The Adventures of Roderick Random

THE AUTHOR’S PREFACE

Of all kinds of satire, there is none so entertaining and universally

improving, as that which is introduced, as it were occasionally, in the

course of an interesting story, which brings every incident home to

life, and by representing familiar scenes in an uncommon and amusing

point of view, invests them with all the graces of novelty, while

nature is appealed to in every particular. The reader gratifies his

curiosity in pursuing the adventures of a person in whose favour he is

prepossessed; he espouses his cause, he sympathises with him in his

distress, his indignation is heated against the authors of his

calamity: the humane passions are inflamed; the contrast between

dejected virtue and insulting vice appears with greater aggravation,

and every impression having a double force on the imagination, the

memory retains the circumstance, and the heart improves by the example.

The attention is not tired with a bare catalogue of characters, but

agreeably diverted with all the variety of invention; and the

vicissitudes of life appear in their peculiar circumstances, opening an

ample field for wit and humour.

Romance, no doubt, owes its origin to ignorance, vanity, and

superstition. In the dark ages of the World, when a man had rendered

himself famous for wisdom or valour, his family and adherents availed

themselves of his superior qualities, magnified his virtues, and

represented his character and person as sacred and supernatural. The

vulgar easily swallowed the bait, implored his protection, and yielded

the tribute of homage and praise, even to adoration; his exploits were

handed down to posterity with a thousand exaggerations; they were

repeated as incitements to virtue; divine honours were paid, and altars

erected to his memory, for the encouragement of those who attempted to

imitate his example; and hence arose the heathen mythology, which is no

other than a collection of extravagant romances. As learning advanced,

and genius received cultivation, these stories were embellished with

the graces of poetry, that they might the better recommend themselves

to the attention; they were sung in public, at festivals, for the

instruction and delight of the audience; and rehearsed before battle,

as incentives to deeds of glory. Thus tragedy and the epic muse were

born, and, in the progress of taste, arrived at perfection. It is no

wonder that the ancients could not relish a fable in prose, after they

had seen so many remarkable events celebrated in verse by their best

poets; we therefore find no romance among them during the era of their

excellence, unless the _Cyropædia_ of Xenophon may be so called; and it

was not till arts and sciences began to revive after the irruption of

the barbarians into Europe, that anything of this kind appeared. But

when the minds of men were debauched by the imposition of priestcraft

to the most absurd pitch of credulity, the authors of romance arose,

and losing sight of probability, filled their performances with the

most monstrous hyperboles. If they could not equal the ancient poets in

point of genius they were resolved to excel them in fiction, and apply

to the wonder, rather than the judgment, of their readers. Accordingly,

they brought necromancy to their aid, and instead of supporting the

character of their heroes by dignity of sentiment and practice,

distinguished them by their bodily strength, activity, and extravagance

of behaviour. Although nothing could be more ludicrous and unnatural

than the figures they drew, they did not want patrons and admirers; and

the world actually began to be infected with the spirit of

knight-errantry, when Cervantes, by an inimitable piece of ridicule,

reformed the taste of mankind, representing chivalry in the right point

of view, and converting romance to purposes far more useful and

entertaining, by making it assume the sock, and point out the follies

of ordinary life.

The same method has been practised by other Spanish and French authors,

and by none more successfully than by Monsieur Le Sage, who, in his

_Adventures of Gil Blas_, has described the knavery and foibles of

life, with infinite humour and sagacity. The following sheets I have

modelled on his plan, taking me liberty, however, to differ from him in

the execution, where I thought his particular situations were uncommon,

extravagant, or peculiar to the country in which the scene is laid. The

disgraces of Gil Blas are, for the most part, such as rather excite

mirth than compassion; he himself laughs at them; and his transitions

from distress to happiness, or at least ease, are so sudden, that

neither the reader has time to pity him, nor himself to be acquainted

with affliction. This conduct, in my opinion, not only deviates from

probability, but prevents that generous indignation, which ought to

animate the reader against the sordid and vicious disposition of the

world. I have attempted to represent modest merit struggling with every

difficulty to which a friendless orphan is exposed, from his own want

of experience, as well as from the selfishness, envy, malice, and base

indifference of mankind. To secure a favourable prepossession, I have

allowed him the advantages of birth and education, which in the series

of his misfortunes will, I hope, engage the ingenuous more warmly in

his behalf; and though I foresee, that some people will be offended at

the mean scenes in which he is involved, I persuade myself that the

judicious will not only perceive the necessity of describing those

situations to which he must of course be confined, in his low estate,

but also find entertainment in viewing those parts of life, where the

humours and passions are undisguised by affectation, ceremony, or

education; and the whimsical peculiarities of disposition appear as

nature has implanted them. But I believe I need not trouble myself in

vindicating a practice authorized by the best writers in this way, some

of whom I have already named.

Every intelligent reader will, at first sight, perceive I have not

deviated from nature in the facts, which are all true in the main,

although the circumstances are altered and disguised, to avoid personal

satire.

It now remains to give my reasons for making the chief personage of

this work a North Briton, which are chiefly these: I could, at a small

expense, bestow on him such education as I thought the dignity of his

birth and character required, which could not possibly be obtained in

England, by such slender means as the nature of my plan would afford.

In the next place, I could represent simplicity of manners in a remote

part of the kingdom, with more propriety than in any place near the

capital; and lastly, the disposition of the Scots, addicted to

travelling, justifies my conduct in deriving an adventurer from that

country. That the delicate reader may not be offended at the unmeaning

oaths which proceed from the mouths of some persons in these memoirs, I

beg leave to promise, that I imagined nothing could more effectually

expose the absurdity of such miserable expletives, than a natural and

verbal representation of the discourse in which they occur.

APOLOGUE

A young painter, indulging a vein of pleasantry, sketched a kind of

conversation piece, representing a bear, an owl, a monkey, and an ass;

and to render it more striking, humorous, and moral, distinguished

every figure by some emblem of human life. Bruin was exhibited in the

garb and attitude of an old, toothless, drunken soldier; the owl

perched upon the handle of a coffee-pot, with spectacle on nose, seemed

to contemplate a newspaper; and the ass, ornamented with a huge tie-wig

(which, however, could not conceal his long ears), sat for his picture

to the monkey, who appeared with the implements of painting. This

whimsical group afforded some mirth, and met with general approbation,

until some mischievous wag hinted that the whole—was a lampoon upon the

friends of the performer; an insinuation which was no sooner circulated

than those very people who applauded it before began to be alarmed, and

even to fancy themselves signified by the several figures of the piece.

Among others, a worthy personage in years, who had served in the army

with reputation, being incensed at the supposed outrage, repaired to

the lodging of the painter, and finding him at home, “Hark ye, Mr.

Monkey,” said he, “I have a good mind to convince you, that though the

bear has lost his teeth, he retains his paws, and that he is not so

drunk but he can perceive your impertinence.” “Sblood! sir, that

toothless jaw is a d—ned scandalous libel—but don’t you imagine me so

chopfallen as not to be able to chew the cud of resentment.” Here he

was interrupted by the arrival of a learned physician, who, advancing

to the culprit with fury in his aspect, exclaimed, “Suppose the

augmentation of the ass’s ears should prove the diminution of the

baboon’s—nay, seek not to prevaricate, for, by the beard of

Aesculapius! there is not one hair in this periwig that will not stand

up in judgment to convict thee of personal abuse. Do but observe,

captain, how this pitiful little fellow has copied the very curls—the

colour, indeed, is different, but then the form and foretop are quite

similar.” While he thus remonstrated in a strain of vociferation, a

venerable senator entered, and waddling up to the delinquent,

“Jackanapes!” cried he, “I will now let thee see I can read something

else than a newspaper, and that without the help of spectacles: here is

your own note of hand, sirrah, for money, which if I had not advanced,

you yourself would have resembled an owl, in not daring to show your

face by day, you ungrateful slanderous knave!”

In vain the astonished painter declared that he had no intention to

give offence, or to characterise particular persons: they affirmed the

resemblance was too palpable to be overlooked; they taxed him with

insolence, malice, and ingratitude; and their clamours being overheard

by the public, the captain was a bear, the doctor an ass, and the

senator an owl, to his dying day.

Christian reader, I beseech thee, in the bowels of the Lord, remember

this example “while thou art employed in the perusal of the following

sheets; and seek not to appropriate to thyself that which equally

belongs to five hundred different people. If thou shouldst meet with a

character that reflects thee in some ungracious particular, keep thy

own counsel; consider that one feature makes not a face, and that

though thou art, perhaps, distinguished by a bottle nose, twenty of thy

neighbours may be in the same predicament.”

THE ADVENTURES OF RODERICK RANDOM

CHAPTER I

Of my Birth and Parentage

I was born in the northern part of this united kingdom, in the house of

my grandfather, a gentleman of considerable fortune and influence, who

had on many occasions signalised himself in behalf of his country; and

was remarkable for his abilities in the law, which he exercised with

great success in the station of a judge, particularly against beggars,

for whom he had a singular aversion.

My father (his youngest son) falling in love with a poor relation, who

lived with the old gentleman in quality of a housekeeper, espoused her

privately; and I was the first fruit of that marriage. During her

pregnancy, a dream discomposed my mother so much that her husband,

tired with her importunity, at last consulted a highland seer, whose

favourable interpretation he would have secured beforehand by a bribe,

but found him incorruptible. She dreamed she was delivered of a

tennis-ball, which the devil (who, to her great surprise, acted the

part of a midwife) struck so forcibly with a racket that it disappeared

in an instant; and she was for some time inconsolable for the lost of

her offspring; when, all on a sudden, she beheld it return with equal

violence, and enter the earth, beneath her feet, whence immediately

sprang up a goodly tree covered with blossoms, the scent of which

operated so strongly on her nerves that she awoke. The attentive sage,

after some deliberation, assured my parents, that their firstborn would

be a great traveller; that he would undergo many dangers and

difficulties, and at last return to his native land, where he would

flourish in happiness and reputation. How truly this was foretold will

appear in the sequel. It was not long before some officious person

informed my grandfather of certain familiarities that passed between

his son and housekeeper which alarmed him so much that, a few days

after, he told my father it was high time for him to think of settling;

and that he had provided a match for him, to which he could in justice

have no objections. My father, finding it would be impossible to

conceal his situation much longer, frankly owned what he had done; and

excused himself for not having asked the consent of his father, by

saying, he knew it would have been to no purpose; and that, had his

inclination been known, my grandfather might have taken such measures

as would have effectually put the gratification of it out of his power:

he added, that no exceptions could be taken to his wife’s virtue,

birth, beauty, and good sense, and as for fortune, it was beneath his

care. The old gentleman, who kept all his passions, except one, in

excellent order, heard him to an end with great temper, and then calmly

asked, how he proposed to maintain himself and spouse? He replied, he

could be in no danger of wanting while his father’s tenderness

remained, which he and his wife should always cultivate with the utmost

veneration; and he was persuaded his allowance would be suitable to the

dignity and circumstances of his family, and to the provision already

made for his brothers and sisters, who were happily settled under his

protection. “Your brothers and sisters,” said my grandfather, “did not

think it beneath them to consult me in an affair of such importance as

matrimony; neither, I suppose, would you have omitted that piece of

duty, had you not some secret fund in reserve; to the comforts of which

I leave you, with a desire that you will this night seek out another

habitation for yourself and wife, whither, in a short time, I will send

you an account of the expense I have been at in your education, with a

view of being reimbursed. Sir, you have made the grand tour—you are a

polite gentleman—a very pretty gentleman—I wish you a great deal of

joy, and am your very humble servant.”

So saying, he left my father in a situation easily imagined. However,

he did not long hesitate; for, being perfectly well acquainted with his

father’s disposition, he did not doubt that he was glad of this

pretence to get rid of him; and his resolves being as invariable as the

laws of the Medes and Persians, he knew it would be to no purpose to

attempt him by prayers and entreaties; so without any farther

application, he betook himself, with his disconsolate bedfellow to a

farm-house, where an old servant of his mother dwelt: there they

remained some time in a situation but ill adapted to the elegance of

their desires and tenderness of their love; which nevertheless my

father chose to endure, rather than supplicate an unnatural and

inflexible parent but my mother, foreseeing the inconveniences to which

she must have been exposed, had she been delivered in this place (and

her pregnancy was very far advanced), without communicating her design

to her husband, went in disguise to the house of my grandfather, hoping

that her tears and condition would move him to compassion, and

reconcile him to an event which was now irrecoverably past.

She found means to deceive the servants, and get introduced as an

unfortunate lady, who wanted to complain of some matrimonial

grievances, it being my grandfather’s particular province to decide in

all cases of scandal. She was accordingly admitted into his presence,

where, discovering herself, she fell at his feet, and in the most

affecting manner implored his forgiveness; at the same time

representing the danger that threatened not only her life, but that of

his own grandchild, which was about to see the light. He told her he

was sorry that the indiscretion of her and his son had compelled him to

make a vow, which put it out of his power to give them any assistance;

that he had already imparted his thoughts on that subject to her

husband, and was surprised that they should disturb his peace with any

farther importunity. This said, he retired.

The violence of my mother’s affliction had such an effect on her

constitution that she was immediately seized with the pains of

childbed; and had not an old maidservant, to whom she was very dear,

afforded her pity and assistance, at the hazard of incurring my

grandfather’s displeasure, she and the innocent fruit of her womb must

have fallen miserable victims to his rigour and inhumanity. By the

friendship of this poor woman she was carried up to a garret, and

immediately delivered of a man child, the story of whose unfortunate

birth he himself now relates. My father, being informed of what had

happened, flew to the embraces of his darling spouse, and while he

loaded his offspring with paternal embraces, could not forbear shedding

a flood of tears on beholding the dear partner of his heart (for whose

ease he would have sacrificed the treasures of the east) stretched upon

a flock bed, in a miserable apartment, unable to protect her from the

inclemencies of the weather. It is not to be supposed that the old

gentleman was ignorant of what passed, though he affected to know

nothing of the matter, and pretended to be very much surprised, when

one of his grandchildren, by his eldest son deceased, who lived with

him as his heir apparent, acquainted him with the affair; he determined

therefore to observe no medium, but immediately (on the third day after

her delivery) sent her a peremptory order to be gone, and turned off

the servant who had preserved her life. This behaviour so exasperated

my father that he had recourse to the most dreadful imprecations; and

on his bare knees implored that Heaven would renounce him if ever he

should forget or forgive the barbarity of his sire.

The injuries which this unhappy mother received from her removal in

such circumstances, and the want of necessaries where she lodged,

together with her grief and anxiety of mind, soon threw her into a

languishing disorder, which put an end to her life. My father, who

loved her tenderly, was so affected with her death that he remained six

weeks deprived of his senses; during which time, the people where he

lodged carried the infant to the old man who relented so far, on

hearing the melancholy story of his daughter-in-law’s death, and the

deplorable condition of his son, as to send the child to nurse, and he

ordered my father to be carried home to his house, where he soon

recovered the use of his reason.

Whether this hardhearted judge felt any remorse for his cruel treatment

of his son and daughter, or (which is more probable) was afraid his

character would suffer in the neighbourhood, he professed great sorrow

for his conduct to my father, whose delirium was succeeded by a

profound melancholy and reserve. At length he disappeared, and,

notwithstanding all imaginable inquiry, could not be heard of; a

circumstance which confirmed most people in the opinion of his having

made away with himself in a fit of despair. How I understood the

particulars of my birth will appear in the course of these memoirs.

CHAPTER II

I grow up—am hated by my Relations—sent to School—neglected by my

Grandfather—maltreated by my Master—seasoned to Adversity—I form Cabals

against the Pedant—am debarred Access to my Grandfather—hunted by his

Heir—I demolish the Teeth of his Tutor

There were not wanting some who suspected my uncles of being concerned

in my father’s fate, on the supposition that they would all share in

the patrimony destined for him; and this conjecture was strengthened by

reflecting that in all his calamities they never discovered the least

inclination to serve him; but, on the contrary, by all the artifices in

their power, fed his resentment and supported his resolution of leaving

him to misery and want. But people of judgment treated this insinuation

as an idle chimera; because, had my relations been so wicked as to

consult their interest by committing such an atrocious crime, the fate

of my father would have extended to me too whose life was another

obstacle to their expectation. Meanwhile, I grew apace, and as I

strongly resembled my father, who was the darling of the tenants, I

wanted nothing which their indigent circumstances could afford: but

their favour was a weak resource against the jealous enmity of my

cousins; who the more my infancy promised, conceived the more

implacable hatred against me: and before I was six years of age, had so

effectually blockaded my grandfather that I never saw him but by

stealth, when I sometimes made up to his chair as he sat to view his

labourers in the field: on which occasion he would stroke my head, bid

me be a good boy, and promise to take care of me.

I was soon after sent to school at a village hard by, of which he had

been dictator time out of mind; but as he never paid for my board, nor

supplied me with clothes, books, and other necessaries I required, my

condition was very ragged and contemptible, and the schoolmaster, who,

through fear of my grandfather, taught me gratis, gave himself no

concern about the progress I made under his instruction. In spite of

all these difficulties and disgraces, I became a good proficient in the

Latin tongue; and, as soon as I could write tolerably, pestered my

grandfather with letters to such a degree that he sent for my master,

and chid him severely for bestowing such pains on my education, telling

him that, if ever I should be brought to the gallows for forgery, which

he had taught me to commit, my blood would lie on his head.

The pedant, who dreaded nothing more than the displeasure of his

patron, assured his honour that the boy’s ability was more owing to his

own genius and application than to any instruction or encouragement he

received; that, although he could not divest him of the knowledge he

had already imbibed, unless he would empower him to disable his

fingers, he should endeavour, with God’s help, to prevent his future

improvement. And, indeed, he punctually performed what he had

undertaken; for, on pretence that I had written impertinent letters to

my grandfather, he caused a board to be made with five holes in it,

through which he thrust the fingers and thumb of my right hand, and

fastened it by whipcord to my wrist, in such a manner as effectually

debarred me the use of my pen. But this restraint I was freed from in a

few days, by an accident which happened in a quarrel between me and

another boy; who, taking upon him to insult my poverty, I was so

incensed at his ungenerous reproach that with one stroke with my

machine I cut him to the skull, to the great terror of myself and

schoolfellows, who left him bleeding on the ground, and ran to inform

the master of what had happened. I was so severely punished for this

trespass that, were I to live to the age of Methusalem, the impression

it made on me would not be effaced; the more than the antipathy and

horror I conceived for the merciless tyrant who inflicted it. The

contempt which my appearance naturally produced in all who saw me, the

continual wants to which I was exposed, and my own haughty disposition,

impatient of affronts, involved me in a thousand troublesome

adventures, by which I was at length inured in adversity, and

emboldened to undertakings far above my years. I was often inhumanly

scourged for crimes I did not commit, because, having the character of

a vagabond in the village, every piece of mischief, whose author lay

unknown, was charged upon me. I have been found guilty of robbing

orchards I never entered, of killing cats I never hunted, of stealing

gingerbread I never touched, and of abusing old women I never saw. Nay,

a stammering carpenter had eloquence enough to persuade my master that

I fired a pistol loaded with small shot into his window; though my

landlady and the whole family bore witness that I was abed fast asleep

at the time when this outrage was committed. I was once flogged for

having narrowly escaped drowning, by the sinking of a ferry boat in

which I was passenger. Another time, for having recovered of a bruise

occasioned by a horse and cart running over me. A third time, for being

bitten by a baker’s dog. In short, whether I was guilty or unfortunate,

the correction and sympathy of this arbitrary pedagogue were the same.

Far from being subdued by this informal usage, my indignation triumphed

over that slavish awe which had hitherto enforced my obedience; and the

more my years and knowledge increased, the more I perceived the

injustice and barbarity of his behaviour. By the help of an uncommon

genius, and the advice and direction of our usher, who had served my

father in his travels, I made a surprising progress in the classics,

writing, and arithmetic; so that, before I was twelve years old, I was

allowed by everybody to be the best scholar in the school. This

qualification, together with the boldness of temper and strength of

make which had subjected almost all my contemporaries, gave me such

influence over them that I began to form cabals against my persecutor;

and was in hope of being able to bid him defiance in a very short

time. Being at the head of a faction, consisting of thirty boys, most

of them of my own age, I was determined to put their mettle to trial,

that I might know how far they were to be depended upon, before I put

my grand scheme in execution: with this view, we attacked a body of

stout apprentices, who had taken possession of a part of the ground

allotted to us for the scheme of our diversions, and who were then

playing at ninepins on the spot; but I had the mortification to see my

adherents routed in an instant, and a leg of one of them broke in his

flight by the bowl, which one of our adversaries had detached in

pursuit of us. This discomfiture did not hinder us from engaging them

afterwards in frequent skirmishes, which we maintained by throwing

stones at a distance, wherein I received many wounds, the scars of

which still remain. Our enemies were so harassed and interrupted by

these alarms that they at last abandoned their conquest, and left us to

the peaceable enjoyment of our own territories.

It would be endless to enumerate the exploits we performed in the

course of this confederacy, which became the terror of the whole

village; insomuch that, when different interests divided it, one of the

parties commonly courted the assistance of Roderick Random (by which

name I was known) to cast the balance, and keep the opposite faction in

awe. Meanwhile, I took the advantage of every play-day to present

myself before my grandfather, to whom I seldom found access, by reason

of his being closely besieged by a numerous family of his female

grandchildren, who, though they perpetually quarrelled among

themselves, never failed to join against me, as the common enemy of

all. His heir, who was about the age of eighteen, minded nothing but

fox-hunting, and indeed was qualified for nothing else, notwithstanding

his grandfather’s indulgence in entertaining a tutor for him at home;

who at the same time performed the office of parish clerk. This young

Actaeon, who inherited his grandfather’s antipathy to everything in

distress, never sat eyes on me without uncoupling his beagles, and

hunting me into some cottage or other, whither I generally fled for

shelter. In this Christian amusement he was encouraged by his

preceptor, who, no doubt, took such opportunities to ingratiate himself

with the rising sun, observing, that the old gentleman, according to

the course of nature, had not long to live, for he was already on the

verge of fourscore.

The behaviour of this rascally sycophant incensed me so much, that one

day, when I was beleaguered by him and his hounds in a farmer’s house,

where I had found protection, I took aim at him (being an excellent

marksman) with a large pebble, which struck out four of his foreteeth,

and effectually incapacitated him from doing the office of a clerk.

CHAPTER III

My Mother’s Brother arrives—relieves me—a Description of him—he goes

along with me to the House of my Grandfather—is encountered by his

Dogs—defeats them, after a bloody Engagement—is admitted to the old

Gentleman—a Dialogue between them

About this time my mother’s only brother, who had been long abroad,

lieutenant of a man-of-war, arrived in his own country; where being

informed of my condition, he came to see me, and out of his slender

finances not only supplied me with what necessaries I wanted for the

present, but resolved not to leave the country until he had prevailed

on my grandfather to settle something handsome for the future. This was

a task to which he was by no means equal, being entirely ignorant, not

only of the judge’s disposition, but also of the ways of men in

general, to which his education on board had kept him an utter

stranger.

He was a strong built man, somewhat bandy legged, with a neck like that

of a bull, and a face which (you might easily perceive) had withstood

the most obstinate assaults of the weather. His dress consisted of a

soldier’s coat altered for him by the ship’s tailor, a striped flannel

jacket, a pair of red breeches spanned with pitch, clean gray worsted

stockings, large silver buckles that covered three-fourths of his

shoes, a silver-laced hat, whose crown overlooked the brims about an

inch and a half, black bobwig in buckle, a check shirt, a silk

handkerchief, a hanger, with a brass handle, girded to his thigh by a

furnished lace belt, and a good oak plant under his arm. Thus equipped,

he set out with me (who by his bounty made a very decent appearance)

for my grandfather’s house, where we were saluted by Jowler and Caesar,

whom my cousin, young master, had let loose at our approach. Being well

acquainted with the inveteracy of these curs, I was about to betake

myself to my heels, when my uncle seized me with one hand, brandished

his cudgel with the other, and at one blow laid Caesar sprawling on the

ground; but, finding himself attacked at the same time in the rear by

Jowler, and fearing Caesar might recover, he drew his hanger, wheeled

about, and by a lucky stroke severed Jowler’s head from his body. By

this time, the young foxhunter and three servants, armed with

pitchforks and flails, were come to the assistance of the dogs, whom

they found breathless upon the field; and my cousin was so provoked at

the death of his favourites, that he ordered his attendants to advance,

and take vengeance on their executioner, whom he loaded with all the

curses and reproaches his anger could suggest. Upon which my uncle

stepped forwards with an undaunted air, at the sight of whose bloody

weapons his antagonists fell back with precipitation, when he accosted

their leader thus:

“Lookee, brother, your dogs having boarded me without provocation, what

I did was in my own defence. So you had best be civil, and let us shoot

a head, clear of you.”

Whether the young squire misinterpreted my uncle’s desire of peace, or

was enraged at the fate of his hounds beyond his usual pitch of

resolution, I know not; but he snatched a flail from one of his

followers, and came up with a show of assaulting the lieutenant, who,

putting himself in a posture of defence, proceeded thus: “Lookee, you

lubberly son of a w—e, if you come athwart me, ’ware your gingerbread

work. I’ll be foul of your quarter, d—n me.”

This declaration, followed by a flourish of his hanger, seemed to check

the progress of the young gentleman’s choler, who, looking behind him,

perceived his attendants had slunk into the house, shut the gate, and

left him to decide the contention by himself.

Here a parley ensued, which was introduced by my cousin’s asking, “Who

the devil are you? What do you want? Some scoundrel of a seaman, I

suppose, who has deserted and turned thief. But don’t think you shall

escape, sirrah—I’ll have you hang’d, you dog, I will. Your blood shall

pay for that of my two hounds, you ragamuffin. I would not have parted

with them to save your whole generation from the gallows, you ruffian,

you!” “None of your jaw, you swab—none of your jaw,” replied my uncle,

“else I shall trim your laced jacket for you. I shall rub you down with

an oaken towel, my boy, I shall.” So saying, he sheathed his hanger,

and grasped his cudgel. Meanwhile the people of the house being

alarmed, one of my female cousins opened a window, and asked what was

the matter. “The matter!” answered the lieutenant; “no great matter,

young woman; I have business with the old gentleman, and this spark,

belike, won’t allow me to come alongside of him,” that’s all. After a

few minutes pause we were admitted, and conducted to my grandfather’s

chamber through a lane of my relations, who honoured me with very

significant looks as I passed along. When we came into the judge’s

presence my uncle, after two or three sea-bows, expressed himself in

this manner; “Your servant, your servant. What cheer, father? what

cheer? I suppose you don’t know me—mayhap you don’t. My name is Tom

Bowling, and this here boy, you look as if you did not know him

neither; ’tis like you mayn’t. He’s new rigged, i’faith; his cloth

don’t shake in the wind so much as it wont to do. ’Tis my nephew, d’y

see, Roderick Random—your own flesh and blood, old gentleman. Don’t lay

a-stern, you dog,” pulling me forward. My grandfather (who was laid up

with the gout) received this relation, after his long absence, with

that coldness of civility which was peculiar to him; told him he was

glad to see him, and desired him to sit down. “Thank ye, thank ye, sir,

I had as lief stand,” said my uncle; “for my own part, I desire nothing

of you; but, if you have any conscience at all, do something for this

poor boy, who has been used at a very unchristian rate. Unchristian do

I call it? I am sure the Moors in Barbary have more humanity than to

leave their little ones to want. I would fain know why my sister’s son

is more neglected than that there fair-weather Jack” (pointing to the

young squire, who with the rest of my cousins had followed us into the

room). “Is not he as near akin to you as the other? Is he not much

handsomer and better built than that great chucklehead? Come, come,

consider, old gentleman, you are going in a short time to give an

account of your evil actions. Remember the wrongs you did his father,

and make all the satisfaction in your power before it be too late. The

least thing you can do is to settle his father’s portion on him.”

The young ladies, who thought themselves too much concerned to contain

themselves any longer, set up their throats all together against my

protector—“Scurvy companion—saucy tarpaulin—rude, impertinent fellow,

did he think to prescribe to grandpapa? His sister’s brat had been too

well taken care of. Grandpapa was too just not make a difference

between an unnatural, rebellious son and his dutiful, loving children,

who took his advice in all things;” and such expressions were vented

against him with great violence; until the judge at length commanded

silence. He calmly rebuked my uncle for his unmannerly behaviour, which

he said he would excuse on account of his education: he told him he had

been very kind to the boy, whom he had kept at school seven or eight

years, although he was informed he made no progress in his learning but

was addicted to all manner of vice, which he rather believed, because

he himself was witness to a barbarous piece of mischief he had

committed on the jaws of his chaplain. But, however, he would see what

the lad was fit for, and bind him apprentice to some honest tradesman

or other, provided he would mend his manners, and behave for the future

as became him.

The honest tar (whose pride and indignation boiled within him) answered

my grandfather, that it was true he had sent him to school, but it had

cost him nothing, for he had never been at one shilling expense to

furnish him with food, raiment, books, or other necessaries; so that it

was not much to be wondered at, if the boy made small progress; and yet

whoever told him so was a lying, lubberly rascal, and deserved to be

keel-haul’d; for though he (the lieutenant) did not understand those

matters himself, he was well informed as how Rory was the best scholar

of his age in all the country; the truth of which he would maintain, by

laying a wager of his whole half-year’s pay on the boy’s head—with

these words he pulled out his purse, and challenged the company:

“Neither is he predicted to vice, as you affirm, but rather, left like

a wreck, d’ye see, at the mercy of the wind and weather, by your

neglect, old gentleman. As for what happened to your chaplain, I am

only sorry that he did not knock out the scoundrel’s brains instead of

his teeth. By the Lord, if ever I come up with him, he had better be in

Greenland, that’s all. Thank you for your courteous offer of binding

the lad apprentice to a tradesman. I suppose you would make a tailor of

him—would you? I had rather see him hang’d, d’ye see. Come along, Rory,

I perceive how the land lies, my boy—let’s tack about, i’faith—while I

have a shilling you shan’t want a tester. B’we, old gentleman; you’re

bound for the other world, but I believe damnably ill-provided for the

voyage.” Thus ended our visit; and we returned to the village, my uncle

muttering curses all the way against the old shark and the young fry

that surrounded him.

CHAPTER IV

My Grandfather makes his Will—our second Visit—he Dies—his Will is read

in Presence of all his living Descendants—the Disappointment of my

female Cousins—my Uncle’s Behaviour

A few weeks after our first visit, we were informed that the old judge,

at the end of a fit of thoughtfulness, which lasted three days, had

sent for a notary and made his will; that the distemper had mounted

from his legs to his stomach, and, being conscious of his approaching

end, he had desired to see all his descendants without exception. In

obedience to this summons, my uncle set out with me a second time, to

receive the last benediction of my grandfather: often repeating by the

road, “Ey, ey, we have brought up the old hulk at last. You shall

see—you shall see the effect of my admonition,” When we entered his

chamber, which was crowded with his relations, we advanced to the

bedside, where we found him in his last agonies, supported by two of

his granddaughters, who sat on each side of him, sobbing most

piteously, and wiping away the froth and slaver as it gathered on his

lips, which they frequently kissed with a show of great anguish and

affection. My uncle approached him with these words, “What! he’s not

a-weigh. How fare ye? how fare ye, old gentleman? Lord have mercy upon

your poor sinful soul!” Upon which, the dying man turned his languid

eyes towards us, and Mr. Bowling went on—“Here’s poor Roy come to see

you before you die, and to receive your blessing. What, man! don’t

despair, you have been a great sinner, ’tis true,—what then? There’s a

righteous judge above, an’t there? He minds me no more than a porpoise.

Yes, yes, he’s a-going; the land crabs will have him, I see that! his

anchor’s a-peak, i’faith.” This homely consolation scandalised the

company so much, and especially the parson, who probably thought his

province invaded, that we were obliged to retire into another room,

where, in a few minutes, we were convinced of my grandfather’s decease,

by a dismal yell uttered by the young ladies in his apartment; whither

we immediately hastened, and found his heir, who had retired a little

before into a closet, under pretence of giving vent to his sorrow,

asking, with a countenance beslubbered with tears, if his grandpapa was

certainly dead? “Dead!” (says my uncle, looking, at the body) “ay, ay,

I’ll warrant him as dead as a herring. Odd’s fish! now my dream is out

for all the world. I thought I stood upon the forecastle, and saw a

parcel of carrion crows foul of a dead shark: that floated alongside,

and the devil perching upon our spritsail yard, in the likeness of a

blue bear—who, d’ye see jumped overboard upon the carcass and carried

it to the bottom in his claws.” “Out upon thee, reprobate” cries the

parson “out upon thee, blasphemous wretch! Dost thou think his honour’s

soul is in the possession of Satan?” The clamour immediately arose, and

my poor uncle, being, shouldered from one corner of the room to the

other, was obliged to lug out in his own defence, and swear he would

turn out for no man, till such time as he knew who had the title to

send him adrift. “None of your tricks upon travellers,” said he;

“mayhap old Bluff has left my kinsman here his heir: if he has, it will

be the better for his miserable soul. Odds bob! I’d desire no better

news. I’d soon make him a clear shin, I warrant you.” To avoid any

further disturbance, one of my grandfather’s executors, who was

present, assured Mr. Bowling, that his nephew should have all manner of

justice; that a day should be appointed after the funeral for examining

the papers of the deceased, in presence of all his relations; till

which time every desk and cabinet in the house should remain close

sealed; and that he was very welcome to be witness to this ceremony,

which was immediately performed to his satisfaction. In the meantime,

orders were given to provide mourning for all the relations, in which

number I was included; but my uncle would not suffer me to accept of

it, until I should be assured whether or no I had reason to honour his

memory so far. During this interval, the conjectures of people, with

regard to the old gentleman’s will, were various: as it was well known,

he had, besides his landed estate, which was worth £700 per annum, six

or seven thousand pounds at interest, some imagined that the whole real

estate (which he had greatly improved) would go to the young man whom

he always entertained as his heir; and that the money would be equally

divided between my female cousins (five in number) and me. Others were

of opinion, that, as the rest of the children had been already provided

for, he would only bequeath two or three hundred pounds to each of his

granddaughters, and leave the bulk of the sum to me, to atone for his

unnatural usage of my father. At length the important hour arrived, and

the will was produced in the midst of the expectants, whose looks and

gestures formed a group that would have been very entertaining to an

unconcerned spectator. But, the reader can scarce conceive the

astonishment and mortification that appeared, when an attorney

pronounced aloud, the young squire sole heir of all his grandfather’s

estate, personal and real. My uncle, who had listened with great

attention, sucking the head of his cudgel all the while, accompanied

these words of the attorney with a stare, and whew, that alarmed the

whole assembly. The eldest and pertest of my female competitors, who

had been always very officious about my grandfather’s person, inquired,

with a faltering accent and visage as yellow as an orange, “if there

were no legacies?” and was answered, “None at all.” Upon which she

fainted away. The rest, whose expectations, perhaps, were not so

sanguine, supported their disappointment with more resolution, though

not without giving evident marks of indignation, and grief at least as

genuine as that which appeared in them at the old gentleman’s death. My

conductor, after having kicked with his heel for some time against the

wainscot, began: “So there’s no legacy, friend, ha!—here’s an old

succubus; but somebody’s soul howls for it, d—n me!” The parson of the

parish, who was one of the executors, and had acted as ghostly director

to the old man, no sooner heard this exclamation than he cried out,

“Avaunt, unchristian reviler! avaunt! wilt thou not allow the soul of

his honour to rest in peace?” But this zealous pastor did not find

himself so warmly seconded, as formerly, by the young ladies, who now

joined my uncle against him, and accused him of having acted the part

of a busybody with their grandpapa whose ears he had certainly abused

by false stories to their prejudice, or else he would not have

neglected them in such an unnatural manner. The young squire was much

diverted with this scene, and whispered to my uncle, that if he had not

murdered his dogs, he would have shown him glorious fun, by hunting a

black badger (so he termed the clergyman). The surly lieutenant, who

was not in a humour to relish this amusement, replied, “You and your

dogs may be damn’d. I suppose you’ll find them with your old dad, in

the latitude of hell. Come, Rory,—about ship, my lad, we must steer

another course, I think.” And away we went.

CHAPTER V

The Schoolmaster uses me barbarously—I form a Project of Revenge, in

which I am assisted by my Uncle—I leave the Village—am settled at a

University by his Generosity

On our way back to the village, my uncle spoke not a word during the

space of a whole hour, but whistled with great vehemence the tune of

“Why should we quarrel for riches,” etc. his visage being contracted

all the while into a most formidable frown. At length his pace

increased to such a degree that I was left behind a considerable way:

then he waited for me; and when I was almost up with him, called out in

a surly tone, “Bear a hand, damme! must I bring to every minute for

you, you lazy dog.” Then, laying hold of me by the arm, hauled me

along, until his good nature (of which he had a great share) and

reflection getting the better of his he said, “Come, my boy, don’t be

cast down,—the old rascal is in hell, that’s some satisfaction; you

shall go to sea with me, my lad. A light heart and a thin pair of

breeches goes through the world, brave boys, as the song goes—eh!”

Though this proposal did not at all suit my inclination, I was afraid

of discovering my aversion to it, lest I should disoblige the only

friend I had in the world; and he was so much a seaman that he never

dreamt I could have had any objection to his design; consequently gave

himself no trouble in consulting my approbation. But this resolution

was soon dropped, by the device of our usher, who assured Mr. Bowling,

it would be a thousand pities to balk my genius, which would certainly

one day make my fortune on shore, provided it received due cultivation.

Upon which, this generous tar determined (though he could ill afford

it) to give me university education; and accordingly settled my board

and other expenses, at a town not many miles distant, famous for its

colleges, whither we repaired in a short time. But, before the day of

our departure, the schoolmaster, who no longer had the fear of my

grandfather before his eyes, laid aside all decency and restraint, and

not only abused me in the grossest language his rancour could suggest,

as a wicked, profligate, dull, beggarly miscreant, whom he had taught

out of charity; but also inveighed in the most bitter manner against

the memory of the judge (who by the by had procured that settlement for

him), hinting, in pretty plain terms, that the old gentleman’s soul was

damned to all eternity for his injustice in neglecting to pay for my

learning.

This brutal behaviour, added to the sufferings I had formerly undergone

made me think it high time to be revenged on this insolent pedagogue.

Having consulted my adherents, I found them all staunch in their

promises to stand by me; and our scheme was this:—In the afternoon

preceding to the day of our departure for the University, I resolved to

take the advantage of the usher’s going out to make water (which he

regularly did at four o’clock), and shut the great door, that he might

not come to the assistance of his superior. This being done, the

assault was to be begun by my advancing to my master and spitting in

his face. I was to be seconded by two of the strongest boys in the

school, who were devoted to me; their business was to join me in

dragging the tyrant to a bench, over which he was to be laid, and his

bare posteriors heartily flogged, with his own birch, which we proposed

to wrest from him in his struggle; but if we should find him too many

for us all three, we were to demand the assistance of our competitors,

who should be ready to enforce us, or oppose anything that might be

undertaken for the master’s relief. One of my principal assistants was

called Jeremy Gawky, son and heir of a wealthy gentleman in the

neighbourhood; and the name of the other, Hugh Strap, the cadet of a

family which had given shoemakers to the village time out of mind. I

had once saved Gawky’s life, by plunging into a river and dragging him

on shore, when he was on the point of being drowned. I had often

rescued him from the clutches of those whom his insufferable arrogance

had provoked to a resentment he was not able to sustain; and many times

saved his reputation and posteriors, by performing his exercises at

school; so that it is not to be wondered at, if he had a particular

regard for me and my interests. The attachment of Strap flowed from a

voluntary, disinterested inclination, which had manifested itself on

many occasions in my behalf, he having once rendered me the same

service that I had rendered Gawky, by saving my life at the risk of his

own; and often fathered offences that I had committed, for which he

suffered severely, rather than I should feel the weight of the

punishment. These two champions were the more willing to engage in this

enterprise, because they intended to leave the school next day, as well

as I; the first being ordered by his father to return into the country,

and the other being bound apprentice to his barber, at a market town

not far off.

In the meantime, my uncle, being informed of my master’s behaviour to

me, was enraged at his insolence, and vowed revenge so heartily that I

could not refrain from telling him the scheme I had concerted, while he

heard with great satisfaction, at every sentence squirting out a

mouthful of spittle, tinctured with tobacco, of which he constantly

chewed a large quid. At last, pulling up his breeches, he cried, “No,

no, z—ds! that won’t do neither; howsoever, ’tis a bold undertaking, my

lad, that I must say, i’faith; but lookee, lookee, how do you propose

to get clear off—won’t the enemy give chase, my boy?—ay, ay, that he

will, I warrant, and alarm the whole coast; ah! God help thee, more

sail than ballast, Rory. Let me alone for that—leave the whole to me.

I’ll show him the foretopsail, I will. If so be your shipmates are

jolly boys, and won’t flinch, you shall see, you shall see; egad, I’ll

play him such a salt-water trick I’ll bring him to the gangway and

anoint him with a cat-and-nine-tails; he shall have a round dozen

doubled, my lad, he shall—and be left lashed to his meditations.” We

were very proud of our associate, who immediately went to work, and

prepared the instrument of his revenge with great skill and expedition;

after which, he ordered our baggage to be packed up and sent off, a day

before our attempt, and got horses ready to be mounted, as soon as the

affair should be over. At length the hour arrived, when our auxiliary,

seizing the opportunity of the usher’s absence, bolted in, secured the

door, and immediately laid hold of the pedant by his collar who bawled

out, “Murder, Thieves,” with the voice of a Stentor. Though I trembled

all over like an aspen leaf, I knew there was no time to be lost, and

accordingly got up, and summoned our associates to our assistance.

Strap, without any hesitation, obeyed the signal, and seeing me leap

upon the master’s back, ran immediately to one of his legs, which

pulling with all his force, this dreadful adversary was humbled to the

ground; upon which Gawky, who had hitherto remained in his place, under

the influence of a universal trepidation, hastened to the scene of

action, and insulted the fallen tyrant with a loud huzza, in which the

whole school joined. The noise alarmed the usher, who, finding himself

shut out, endeavoured, partly by threats and partly by entreaties, to

procure admission. My uncle bade him have a little patience, and he

would let him in presently; but if he pretended to stir from that

place, it should fare the worse with the son of a bitch his superior,

on whom he intended only to bestow a little wholesome chastisement, for

his barbarous usage of Rory, “to which,” said he, “you are no

stranger.” By this time we had dragged the criminal to a post, to which

Bowling tied him with a rope he had provided on purpose; after having

secured his hands and stripped his back. In this ludicrous posture he

stood (to the no small entertainment of the boys, who crowded about

him, and shouted with great exultation at the novelty of the sight),

venting bitter imprecations against the lieutenant, and reproaching his

scholars with treachery and rebellion; when the usher was admitted,

whom my uncle accosted in this manner: “Harkee, Mr. Syntax, I believe

you are an honest man, d’ye see—and I have a respect for you—but for

all that, we must, for our own security, d’ye see, belay you for a

short time.” With these words, he pulled out some fathoms of cord,

which the honest man no sooner saw than he protested with great

earnestness he would allow no violence to be offered to him, at the

same time accusing me of perfidy and ingratitude. But Bowling

representing that it was in vain to resist, and that he did not mean to

use him with violence and indecency, but only to hinder him from

raising the hue and cry against us before we should be out of their

power, he allowed himself to be bound to his own desk, where he sat a

spectator of the punishment inflicted on his principal. My uncle,

having upbraided this arbitrary wretch with his inhumanity to me, told

him, that he proposed to give him a little discipline for the good of

his soul, which he immediately put in practice, with great vigour and

dexterity. This smart application to the pedant’s withered posteriors

gave him such exquisite pain that he roared like a mad bull, danced,

cursed, and blasphemed, like a frantic bedlamite. When the lieutenant

thought himself sufficiently revenged, he took his leave of him in

these words: “Now, friend, you’ll remember me the longest day you have

to live; I have given you a lesson that will let you know what flogging

is, and teach you to have more sympathy for the future. Shout, boys,

shout!”

This ceremony was no sooner over than my uncle proposed they should

quit the school, and convey their old comrade Rory to the public-house,

about a mile from the village, where he would treat them all. His offer

being joyfully embraced, he addressed himself to Mr. Syntax, and begged

him to accompany us; but this invitation he refused with great disdain,

telling my benefactor he was not the man he took him to be. “Well,

well, old surly,” replied my uncle, shaking his hand, “thou art an

honest fellow notwithstanding; and if ever I have the command of a

ship, thou shalt be our schoolmaster, i’faith.” So saying he dismissed

the boys, and locking the door, left the two preceptors to console one

another; while we moved forwards on our journey, attended by a numerous

retinue, whom he treated according to his promise.

We parted with many tears, and lay that night at an inn on the road,

about ten miles short of the town where I was to remain, at which we

arrived next day, and I found I had no cause to complain of the

accommodations provided for me, in being boarded at the house of an

apothecary, who had married a distant relation of my mother. In a few

days after, my uncle set out for his ship, having settled the necessary

funds for my maintenance and education.

CHAPTER VI

I make great progress in my Studies—am caressed by Everybody—my female

Cousins take notice of me—I reject their Invitation—they are incensed,

and conspire against me—am left destitute by a Misfortune that befalls

my Uncle—Gawky’s Treachery—my Revenge

As I was now capable of reflection, I began to consider my precarious

situation; that I was utterly abandoned by those whose duty it was to

protect me: and that my sole dependence was on the generosity of one

man, who was not only exposed by his profession to continual dangers,

which might one day deprive me of him for ever; but also (no doubt)

subject to those vicissitudes of disposition which a change of fortune

usually creates, or which a better acquaintance with the world might

produce; for I always ascribed his benevolence to the dictates of a

heart as yet undebauched by a commerce with mankind. Alarmed at these

considerations, I resolved to apply myself with great care to my

studies, and enjoy the opportunity in my power: this I did with such

success that, in the space of three years, I understood Greek very

well, was pretty far advanced in the mathematics, and no stranger to

moral and natural philosophy: logic I made no account of; but, above

all things, I valued myself on my taste in the belles lettres, and a

talent for poetry, which had already produced some pieces that had met

with a favourable reception. These qualifications, added to a good face

and shape, acquired the esteem and acquaintance of the most

considerable people in town, and I had the satisfaction to find myself

in some degree of favour with the ladies; an intoxicating piece of good

fortune to one of my amorous complexion! which I obtained, or at least

preserved, by gratifying their propensity to scandal, in lampooning

their rivals.

Two of my female cousins lived in this place, with their mother, since

the death of their father, who left his whole fortune equally divided

between them; so that, if they were not the most beautiful, they were

at least the richest toasts in town; and received daily the addresses

of all the beaux and cavaliers of the country. Although I had hitherto

been looked upon by them with the most supercilious contempt, my

character now attracted their notice so much that I was given to

understand I might be honoured with their acquaintance, if I pleased.

The reader will easily perceive that this condescension either flowed

from the hope of making my poetical capacity subservient to their

malice, or at least of screening themselves from the lash of my

resentment, which they had effectually provoked. I enjoyed this triumph

with great satisfaction, and not only rejected their offer with

disdain, but in all my performances, whether satire or panegyric,

industriously avoided mentioning their names, even while I celebrated

those of their intimates: this neglect mortified their pride

exceedingly and incensed them to such a degree that they were resolved

to make me repent of my indifference. The first stroke of their revenge

consisted in their hiring a poor collegian to write verses against me,

the subject of which was my own poverty, and the catastrophe of my

unhappy parents; but, besides the badness of the composition (of which

they themselves were ashamed), they did not find their account in

endeavouring to reproach me with those misfortunes which they and their

relations had brought upon me; and which consequently reflected much

more dishonour on themselves than on me, who was the innocent victim of

their barbarity and avarice.

Finding this plan miscarry, they found means to irritate a young

gentleman against me, by telling him I had lampooned his mistress; and

so effectually succeeded in the quality of incendiaries that this

enraged lover determined to seize me next night as I returned to my

lodgings from a friend’s house that I frequented: with this view, he

waited in the street, attended by two of his companions, to whom he had

imparted his design of carrying me down to the river, in which proposed

to have me heartily ducked, notwithstanding the severity of the

weather, it being then about the middle of December. But this stratagem

did not succeed; for, being apprised of their ambush, I got home

another way, and by the help of my landlord’s apprentice, discharged a

volley from the garret window, which did great execution upon them, and

next day occasioned so much mirth at their expense that they found

themselves under a necessity of leaving the town, until the adventure

should be entirely forgotten.

My cousins (though twice baffled in their expectation) did not,

however, desist from persecuting me, who had now enraged them beyond a

possibility of forgiveness by detecting their malice and preventing its

effects: neither should I have found them more humane, had I patiently

submitted to their rancour, and borne without murmuring the rigour of

their unreasonable hate; for I have found by experience, that though

small favours may be acknowledged and slight injuries atoned, there is

no wretch so ungrateful as he whom you have most generously obliged,

and no enemy so implacable as those who have done you the greatest

wrong. These good-natured creatures, therefore, had recourse to a

scheme which conspired with a piece of bad news I soon after received,

to give them all the satisfaction they desired: this plan was to

debauch the faith of my companion and confidant, who betrayed the trust

I reposed in him, by imparting to them the particulars of my small

amours, which they published with such exaggerations that I suffered

very much in the opinion of everybody, and was utterly discarded by the

dear creatures whose names had been called in question.

While I was busy in tracing out the author of this treachery, that I

might not only be revenged on him, but also vindicate my character to

my friends, I one day perceived the looks of my landlady much altered,

when I went home to my dinner, and inquiring into the cause, she

screwed up her mouth, and fixed her eyes on the ground, told me her

husband had received a letter from Mr. Bowling, with one inclosed for

me. She was very sorry for what had happened, both for my sake and his

own—people should be more cautious of their conduct—she was always

afraid his brutal behaviour would bring him into some misfortune or

other. As for her part, she should be very ready to befriend me; but

she had a small family of her own to maintain. The world would do

nothing for her if she should come to want—charity begins at home: she

wished I had been bound to some substantial handicraft, such as a

weaver or a shoemaker, rather than loiter away my time in learning

foolish nonsense, that would never bring me in a penny but some folks

are wise, and some are otherwise.

I was listening to this mysterious discourse with great amazement, when

her husband entered, and, without speaking a syllable, put both the

letters into my hand. I received them trembling, and read what follows:

‘To Mr. Roger Potion

‘Sir,

‘This is to let you know that I have quitted the Thunder man of

war, being obliged to sheer off for killing my captain, which I did

fairly on the beach, at Cape Tiberoon, in the Island of Hispaniola;

having received his fire and returned it, which went through his

body: and I would serve the best man so that ever stepped between

stem and stern, if so be that he struck me, as Captain Oakum did. I

am (thank God) safe among the French, who are very civil, though I

don’t understand their lingo; and I hope to be restored in a little

time, for all the great friends and parliamentary interest of the

captain, for I have sent over to my landlord in Deal an account of

the whole affair, with our bearings and distances while we were

engaged, whereby I have desired him to lay it before his majesty,

who (God bless him) will not suffer an honest tar to be wronged. My

love to your spouse, and am

‘Your loving friend and servant to command, while

‘Thomas Bowling,’

‘To Roderick Random

‘Dear Rory,

‘Don’t be grieved at my misfortune, but mind your book, my lad. I

have got no money to send you, but what of that? Mr. Potion will

take care of you for the love he bears to me, and let you want for

nothing; and it shall go hard but I will see him one day repaid. No

more at present, but rests

‘Your dutiful uncle and servant, till death,

‘Thomas Bowling.’

This letter (which, with the other, was dated from Port Louis, in

Hispaniola) I had no sooner read than the apothecary, shaking his head,

began: “I have a very great regard for Mr. Bowling that’s certain; and

could be well content—but times are very hard. There’s no such thing as

money to be got; I believe ’tis all vanished under ground, for my part.

Besides, I have been out of pocket already, having entertained you

since the beginning of this month, without receiving a sixpence, and

God knows if ever I shall; for I believe it will go hard with your

uncle. And more than that, I was thinking of giving you warning, for I

want your apartment for a new prentice, whom I expect from the country

every hour. So I desire you will this week provide yourself with

another lodging.”

The indignation which this harangue inspired gave me spirits to support

my reverse of fortune, and to tell him I despised his mean selfish

disposition so much that I would rather starve than be beholden to him

for one single meal. Upon which, out of my pocket money, I paid him to

the last farthing of what I owed, and assured him, I would not sleep

another night under his roof.

This said, I sallied out in a transport of rage and sorrow, without

knowing whither to fly for shelter, having not one friend in the world

capable of relieving me, and only three shillings in my purse. After

giving way for a few minutes to the dictates of my rage, I went and

hired a small bedroom, at the rate of one shilling and sixpence per

week, which I was obliged to pay per advance, before the landlord would

receive me: thither I removed my luggage; and next morning got up, with

a view of craving the advice and assistance of a person who had on all

occasions loaded me with caresses and made frequent offers of

friendship, while I was under no necessity of accepting them. He

received me with his wonted affability, and insisted on my breakfasting

with him, a favour which I did not think fit to refuse. But when I

communicated the occasion of my visit, he appeared so disconcerted that

I concluded him wonderfully affected with the misery of my condition

and looked upon him as a man of the most extensive sympathy and

benevolence. He did not leave me long under this mistake; for,

recovering himself from his confusion, he told me he was grieved at my

misfortune, and desired to know what had passed between my landlord,

Mr. Potion, and me. Whereupon I recounted the conversation; and, when I

repeated the answer I made to his ungenerous remonstrance with regard

to my leaving his house, this pretended friend affected a stare, and

exclaimed, “Is it possible you could behave so ill to the man who had

treated you so kindly all along?”

My surprise at hearing this was not at all affected, whatever his might

be; and I gave to understand with some warmth, that I did not imagine

he would so unreasonably espouse the cause of a scoundrel who ought to

be expelled from every social community. This heat of mine gave him all

the advantage he desired over me, and our discourse, after much

altercation, concluded in his desiring never to see me again in that

place; to which desire I yielded my consent, assuring him, that, had I

been as well acquainted with his principles formerly as I was now, he

never should have had an opportunity of making that request. And thus

we parted.

On my return, I met my comrade, Squire Gawky, whom his father had sent,

some time ago, to town, for his improvement in writing, dancing,

fencing, and other modish qualifications. As I had lived with him since

his arrival on the footing of our old intimacy, I made no scruple of

informing him of the lowness of my circumstances, and asking a small

supply of money, to answer my present expense; upon which he pulled out

a handful of halfpence with a shilling or two among them, and swore

that was all he had to keep his pocket till next quarter-day he having

lost the greatest part of his allowance the night before at billiards.

Though this assertion might very well be true, I was extremely

mortified at his indifference: for he neither expressed any sympathy

for my mishap nor desire of alleviating my distress; and accordingly I

left him without uttering one word: but, when I afterwards understood

that he was the person who had formerly betrayed me to the malice of my

cousins, to whom likewise he had carried the tidings of my forlorn

situation, which afforded them great matter of triumph and exultation,

I determined with myself to call him to a severe account for which

purpose I borrowed a sword, and wrote a challenge, desiring him to meet

me at a certain time and place, that I might have an opportunity of

punishing his perfidy, at the expense of his blood. He accepted the

invitation, and I betook myself to the field, though not without

feeling considerable repugnance to the combat, which frequently

attacked me in cold sweats by the way; but the desire of revenge, the

shame of retracting, and hope of conquest, conspired to repel these

unmanly symptoms of fear; and I appeared on the plain with a good

grace: there I waited an hour beyond the time appointed, and was not

ill pleased to find he had no mind to meet me, because I should have an

opportunity of exposing his cowardice, displaying my own courage, and

of beating him soundly wheresoever I should find, without any dread of

the consequence.

Elevated with these suggestions, which entirely banished all thoughts

of my deplorable condition, I went directly to Gawky’s lodgings, where

I was informed of his precipitate retreat, he having set out for the

country in less than an hour after he had received my billet; and I was

vain enough to have the whole story inserted in the news, although I

was fain to sell a gold laced hat to my landlord for less than

half-price, to defray the expenses and contribute to my subsistence.

CHAPTER VII

I am entertained by Mr. Crab—a description of him—I acquire the Art of

Surgery—consult Crab’s Disposition—become necessary to him—an Accident

happens—he advises me to launch out into the world—assists me with

Money—I set out for London

The fumes of my resentment being dissipated, as well as the vanity of

my success, I found myself deserted to all the horrors of extreme want,

and avoided by mankind as a creature of a different species, or rather

as a solitary being, noways comprehended within the scheme or

protection of Providence. My despair had rendered me almost quite

stupified, when I was one day told, that a gentleman desired to see me

at a certain public-house, whither immediately I repaired; and was

introduced to one Mr. Launcelot Crab, a surgeon in town, who was

engaged with two more in drinking a liquor called pop-in, composed by

mixing a quartern of brandy with a quart of small beer. Before I relate

the occasion of this message, I believe it will not be disagreeable to

the reader, if I describe the gentleman who sent for me, and mention

some circumstances of his character and conduct which may illustrate

what follows, and account for his behaviour to me.

This member of the faculty was aged fifty, about five feet high, and

ten round the belly; his face was as capacious as a full moon, and much

of the complexion of a mulberry: his nose, resembling a powder-horn,

was swelled to an enormous size, and studded all over with carbuncles;

and his little gray eyes reflected the rays in such an oblique manner

that, while he looked a person full in the face, one would have

imagined he was admiring the buckle of his shoe. He had long

entertained an implacable resentment against Potion, who, though a

younger practitioner, was better employed than he, and once had the

assurance to perform a cure, whereby he disappointed and disgraced the

prognostic of the said Crab. This quarrel which was at one time upon

the point of being made up, by the interposition and mediation of

friends, had been lately inflamed beyond a possibility of

reconciliation by the respective wives of the opponents, who, chancing

to meet at a christening, disagreed about precedence, proceeded from

invectives to blows, and were with great difficulty, by the gossips,

prevented from converting the occasion of joy into a scene of

lamentation.

The difference between these rivals was in the height of rancour, when

I received the message of Crab, who received me as civilly as I could

have expected from one of his disposition; and, after desiring me to

sit, inquired into the particulars of my leaving the house of Potion;

which when I had related, he said, with a malicious grin, “There’s a

sneaking dog! I always thought him a fellow without a soul, d—n me, a

canting scoundrel, who has crept into business by his hypocrisy, and

kissing the a—e of every body.”—“Ay, ay,” says another, “one might see

with half an eye that the rascal has no honesty in him, by his going so

regularly to church.”

This sentence was confirmed by a third, who assured his companions that

Potion was never known to be disguised in liquor but once, at a meeting

of the godly, where he had distinguished himself by an extempore prayer

an hour long. After this preamble, Crab addressed himself to me in

these words: “Well, my lad, I have heard a good character of you, and

I’ll do for you. You may send your things to my house when you please.

I have given orders for your reception. Zounds! What does the booby

stare at? If you have no mind to embrace my courteous offer, you may

let it alone, and be d—d.” I answered with a submissive bow, that I was

far from rejecting his friendly offer, which I would immediately

accept, as soon as he should inform me on what footing I was to be

entertained. “What footing! D—n my blood,” cried he, “d’ye expect to

have a footman and a couple of horses kept for you?” “No, sir,” I

replied, “my expectations are not quite so sanguine. That I may be as

little burthensome as possible, I would willingly serve in your shop,

by which means I may save you the expense of a journeyman, or porter at

least, for I understand a little pharmacy, having employed some of my

leisure hours in the practice of that art, while I lived with Mr.

Potion; neither am I altogether ignorant of surgery, which I have

studied with great pleasure and application.”—“Oho! you did,” says

Crab. “Gentlemen, here is a complete artist! Studied surgery! What? in

books, I suppose. I shall have you disputing with me one of these days

on points of my profession. You can already account for muscular

motion, I warrant, and explain the mystery of the brain and nerves—ha!

You are too learned for me, d—n me. But let’s have no more of this

stuff. Can you blood and give a clyster, spread a plaster, and prepare

a potion?” Upon my answering in the affirmative, he shock his head,

telling me, he believed he should have little good of me, for all my

promises; but, however, he would take me in for the sake of charity. I

was accordingly that very night admitted to his house, and had an

apartment assigned to me in the garret, which I was fain to put up

with, notwithstanding the mortification my pride suffered in this

change of circumstances.

I was soon convinced of the real motives which induced Crab to receive

me in this manner; for, besides the gratification of his revenge, by

exposing the selfishness of his antagonist, in opposition to his own

generosity, which was all affectation, he had occasion for a young man

who understood something of the profession, to fill up the place of his

eldest apprentice, lately dead, not without violent suspicion of foul

play from his master’s brutality. The knowledge of this circumstance,

together with his daily behaviour to his wife and the young apprentice,

did not at all contribute to my enjoying my new situation with ease;

however, as I did not perceive how I could bestow myself to better

advantage, I resolved to study Crab’s temper with all the application,

and manage it with all the address in my power. And it was not long

before I found out a strange peculiarity of humour which governed his

behaviour towards all his dependents. I observed, when he was pleased,

he was such a niggard of his satisfaction that, if his wife or servants

betrayed the least symptom of participation, he was offended to an

insupportable degree of choler and fury, the effects of which they

seldom failed to feel. And when his indignation was roused, submission

and soothing always exasperated it beyond the bounds of reason and

humanity. I therefore pursued a contrary plan; and one day, when he

honoured me with the names of ignorant whelp and lazy ragamuffin, I

boldly replied, I was neither ignorant nor lazy, since I both

understood and performed my business as well as he could do for his

soul; neither was it just to call me ragamuffin, for I had a whole coat

on my back, and was descended from a better family than any he could

boast an alliance with.

He gave tokens of great amazement at this assurance of mine, and shook

his cane over my head, regarding me all the time with a countenance

truly diabolical. Although I was terribly startled at his menacing

looks and posture, I yet had reflection enough left to convince me I

had gone too far to retract, and that this was the critical minute

which must decide my future lot in his service; I therefore snatched up

the pestle of a mortar, and swore, if he offered to strike me without a

cause, I should see whether his skull or my weapon was hardest.

He continued silent for some time, and at last broke forth into these

ejaculations: “This is fine usage from a servant to his master—very

fine! damnation! but no matter, you shall pay for this, you dog, you

shall; I’ll do your business—yes, yes, I’ll teach you to lift your hand

against me.” So saying, he retired, and left me under dreadful

apprehensions, which vanished entirely at our next meeting, when he

behaved with unusual complacency, and treated me with a glass of punch

after dinner.

By this conduct I got the ascendancy over him in a short time, and

became so necessary to him, in managing his business while he was

engaged at the bottle, that fortune began to wear a kinder aspect; and

I consoled myself for the disregard of my former acquaintance, with the

knowledge I daily imbibed by a close application to the duties of my

employment, in which I succeeded beyond my own expectation. I was on

very good terms with my master’s wife, whose esteem I acquired and

cultivated, by representing Mrs. Potion in the most ridiculous lights

my satirical talents could invent, as well as by rendering her some

Christian offices, when she had been too familiar with the dram bottle,

to which she had oftentimes recourse for consolation, under the

affliction she suffered from a barbarous husband.

In this manner I lived, without hearing the least tidings of my uncle

for the space of two years, during which time I kept little or no

company, being neither in a humour to relish nor in a capacity to

maintain much acquaintance; for the Nabal my master allowed me no

wages, and the small perquisites of my station scarcely supplied me

with the common necessaries of life. I was no longer a pert unthinking

coxcomb, giddy with popular applause, and elevated with the

extravagance of hope: my misfortunes had taught me how little the

caresses of the world, during a man’s prosperity, are to be valued by

him; and how seriously and expeditiously he ought to set about making

himself independent of them. My present appearance, therefore, was the

least of my care, which was wholly engrossed in laying up a stock of

instruction that might secure me against the caprice of fortune for the

future. I became such a sloven, and contracted such an air of

austerity, that everybody pronounced me crestfallen; and Gawky returned

to town without running any risk from my resentment, which was by this

time pretty much cooled, and restrained by prudential reasons so

effectually that I never so much as thought of obtaining satisfaction

for the injuries he had done me.

When I deemed myself sufficiently master of my business I began to cast

about for an opportunity of launching into the world, in hope of

finding some provision that might make amends for the difficulties I

had undergone; but, as this could not be effected without a small sum

of money to equip me for the field, I was in the utmost perplexity how

to raise it, well knowing that Crab, for his own sake, would never put

me in a condition to leave him, when his interest was so much concerned

in my stay. But a small accident, which happened about this time,

determined him in my favour. This was no other than the pregnancy of

his maidservant, who declared her situation to me, assuring me at the

same time that I was the occasion of it.

Although I had no reason to question the truth of this imputation, I

was not ignorant of the familiarities which had passed between her

master and her, taking the advantage of which I represented to her the

folly of laying the burden at my door, when she might dispose of it to

much better purpose with Mr. Crab. She listened to my advice, and next

day acquainted him with the pretended success of their mutual

endeavours. He was far from being overjoyed at this proof of his

vigour, which he foresaw might have very troublesome consequences; not

that he dreaded any domestic grumblings and reproaches from his wife,

whom he kept in perfect subjection; but because he knew it would

furnish his rival Potion with a handle for insulting and undermining

his reputation, there being no scandal equal to that of uncleanness, in

the opinion of those who inhabit the part of the island where he lived.

He therefore took a resolution worthy of himself, which was, to

persuade the girl that she was not with child, but only afflicted with

a disorder incidental to young women, which he could easily remove:

with this view (as he pretended) he prescribed for her such medicines

as he thought would infallibly procure abortion; but in this scheme he

was disappointed, for the maid, being advertised by me of his design,

and at the same time well acquainted with her own condition, absolutely

refused to follow his directions; and threatened to publish her

situation to the world if he would not immediately take some method of

providing for the important occasion, which she expected in a few

months. It was not long before I guessed the result of his

deliberation, by his addressing himself to me one day in this manner:

“I am surprised that a young fellow like you discovers no inclination

to push his fortune in the world. Before I was of your age I was

broiling on the coast of Guinea. D—e! what’s to hinder you from

profiting by the war which will certainly be declared in a short time

against Spain? You may easily get on board of a king’s ship in quality

of surgeon’s mate, where you will certainly see a great deal of

practice, and stand a good chance of getting prize-money.”

I laid hold of this declaration, which I had long wished for, and

assured him I would follow his advice with pleasure, if it were in my

power; but that it was impossible for me to embrace an opportunity of

that kind, as I had no friend to advance a little money to supply me

with what necessaries I should want, and defray the expenses of my

journey to London. He told me that few necessaries were required; and,

as for the expense of my journey, he would lend me money, sufficient

not only for that purpose, but also to maintain me comfortably in

London until I should procure a warrant for my provision on board of

some ship.

I gave him a thousand thanks for his obliging offer (although I was

very well apprised of his motive, which was no other than a design to

lay the bastard to my charge after my departure), and accordingly set

out in a few weeks for London; my whole fortune consisting of one suit

of clothes, half a dozen ruffled shirts, as many plain, two pair of

worsted and a like number of threaded stockings; a case of pocket

instruments, a small edition of Horace, Wiseman’s Surgery, and ten

guineas in cash; for which Crab took my bond, bearing five per cent

interest; at the same time giving me a letter to a member of parliament

for our town, which he said would do my business effectually.

CHAPTER VIII

I arrive at Newcastle—meet with my old Schoolfellow Strap—we determine

to walk together to London—set out on our Journey—put up at a solitary

Alehouse—are disturbed by a strange Adventure in the Night

There is no such convenience as a waggon in this country, and my

finances were too weak to support the expense of hiring a horse: I

determined therefore to set out with the carriers, who transport goods

from one place to another on horseback; and this scheme I accordingly

put in execution on the 1st day of September, 1739, sitting upon a

pack-saddle between two baskets, one of which contained my goods in a

knapsack. But by the time we arrived at Newcastle-upon-Tyne I was so

fatigued with the tediousness of the carriage, and benumbed with the

coldness of the weather, that I resolved to travel the rest of my

journey on foot, rather than proceed in such a disagreeable manner.

The ostler of the inn at which we put up, understanding I was bound for

London, advised me to take my passage in a collier which would be both

cheap and expeditious and withal much easier than to walk upwards of

three hundred miles through deep roads in the winter time, a journey

which he believed I had not strength enough to perform. I was almost

persuaded to take his advice, when one day, stepping into a barber’s

shop to be shaved, the young man, while he lathered my face, accosted

me thus: “Sir, I presume you are a Scotchman.” I answered in the

affirmative. “Pray,” continued he, “from what part of Scotland?” I no

sooner told him, than he discovered great emotion, and not confining

his operation to my chin and upper lip, besmeared my whole face with

great agitation. I was so offended at this profusion that starting up,

I asked him what the d—l he meant by using me so? He begged pardon,

telling me his joy at meeting with a countryman had occasioned some

confusion in him, and craved my name. But, when I declared my name was

Random, he exclaimed in rapture, “How! Rory Random?” “The same,” I

replied, looking at him with astonishment. “What!” cried he, “don’t you

know your old schoolfellow, Hugh Strap?”

At that instant recollecting his face, I flew into his arms, and in the

transport of my joy, gave him back one-half of the suds he had so

lavishly bestowed on my countenance; so that we made a very ludicrous

appearance, and furnished a great deal of mirth for his master and

shopmates, who were witnesses of this scene. When our mutual caresses

were over I sat down again to be shaved, but the poor fellow’s nerves

were so discomposed by this unexpected meeting that his hand could

scarcely hold the razor, with which, nevertheless, he found means to

cut me in three places in as many strokes. His master, perceiving his

disorder, bade another supply his place, and after the operation was

performed, gave Strap leave to pass the rest of the day with me.

We retired immediately to my lodgings, where, calling for some beer, I

desired to be informed of his adventures, which contained nothing more

than that his master dying before his time was out, he had come to

Newcastle about a year ago, in expectation of journeywork, along with

three young fellows of his acquaintance who worked in the keels; that

he had the good fortune of being employed by a very civil master, with

whom he intended to stay till the spring, at which time he proposed to

go to London, where he did not doubt of finding encouragement. When I

communicated to him my situation and design, he did not approve of my

taking a passage by sea, by reason of the danger of a winter voyage,

which is very hazardous along that coast, as well as the precariousness

of the wind, which might possibly detain me a great while, to the no

small detriment of my fortune; whereas, if I would venture by land, he

would bear me company, carry my baggage all the way, and if we should

be fatigued before we could perform the journey it would be no hard

matter for us to find on the road either return horses or waggons, of

which we might take the advantage for a very trifling expense.

I was so ravished at this proposal that I embraced him affectionately,

and assured him he might command my purse to the last farthing; but he

gave me to understand he had saved money sufficient to answer his own

occasions; and that he had a friend in London who would soon introduce

him into business in that capital, and possibly have it in his power to

serve me also.

Having concerted the plan and settled our affairs that night, we

departed next morning by daybreak, armed with a good cudgel each (my

companion being charged with the furniture of us both crammed into one

knapsack), and our money sewed between the linings and waistbands of

our breeches, except some loose silver for our immediate expenses on

the road, We travelled all day at a round pace, but, being ignorant of

the proper stages, were benighted at a good distance from any inn, so

that we were compelled to take up our lodging at a small hedge

alehouse, that stood on a byroad, about half-a-mile from the highway:

there we found a pedlar of our own country, in whose company we regaled

ourselves with bacon and eggs, and a glass of good ale, before a

comfortable fire, conversing all the while very sociably with the

landlord and his daughter, a hale buxom lass, who entertained us with

great good humour, and in whose affection I was vain enough to believe

I had made some progress. About eight o’clock we were all three, at our

own desire, shown into an apartment furnished with two beds, in one of

which Strap and I betook ourselves to rest, and the pedlar occupied the

other, though not before he had prayed a considerable time extempore,

searched into every corner of the room, and fastened the door on the

inside with a strong iron screw, which he carried about with him for

that use.

I slept very sound till midnight when I was disturbed by a violent

motion of the bed, which shook under me with a continual tremor.

Alarmed at this phenomenon, I jogged my companion, whom, to my no small

amazement, I found drenched in sweat, and quaking through every limb;

he told me, with a low faltering voice, that we were undone; for there

was a bloody highwayman, loaded with pistols, in the next room; then,

bidding me make as little noise as possible, he directed me to a small

chink in the board partition through which I could see a thick-set

brawny fellow, with a fierce countenance, sitting at a table with our

young landlady, having a bottle of ale and a brace of pistols before

him.

I listened with great attention, and heard him say, in a terrible tone,

“D—n that son of a b—h, Smack the coachman; he has served me a fine

trick, indeed! but d—ion seize me, if I don’t make him repent it! I’ll

teach the scoundrel to give intelligence to others while he is under

articles with me.”

Our landlady endeavoured to appease this exasperated robber, by saying

he might be mistaken in Smack, who perhaps kept no correspondence with

the other gentleman that robbed his coach; and that, if an accident had

disappointed him to-day, he might soon find opportunities enough to

atone for his lost trouble. “I’ll tell thee what, my dear Bet,” replied

he, “I never had, nor ever shall, while my name is Rifle, have such a

glorious booty as I missed to-day. Z—s! there was £400 in cash to

recruit men for the king’s service, besides the jewels, watches,

swords, and money belonging to the passengers. Had it been my fortune

to have got clear off with so much treasure, I would have purchased a

commission in the army, and made you an officer’s lady, you jade, I

would.” “Well, well,” cries Betty, “we must trust to Providence for

that. But did you find nothing worth taking which escaped the other

gentlemen of the road?” “Not much, faith,” said the lover; “I gleaned a

few things, such as a pair of pops, silver mounted (here they are): I

took them loaded from the captain who had the charge of the money,

together with a gold watch which he had concealed in his breeches. I

likewise found ten Portugal pieces in the shoes of a quaker, whom the

spirit moved to revile me with great bitterness and devotion; but what

I value myself mostly for is, this here purchase, a gold snuffbox, my

girl, with a picture on the inside of the lid; which I untied out of

the tail of a pretty lady’s smock.”

Here, as the devil would have it, the pedlar snored so loud, that the

highwayman, snatching his pistols, started up, crying, “Hell and d-n-n!

I am betrayed! Who’s that in the next room?” Mrs. Betty told him he

need not be uneasy: there were only three poor travellers, who, missing

the road, had taken up their lodgings in the house, and were asleep

long ago. “Travellers,” says he, “spies, you b—ch! But no matter; I’ll

send them all to hell in an instant!” He accordingly ran towards our

door; when his sweetheart interposing, assured him, there was only a

couple of poor young Scotchmen, who were too raw and ignorant to give

him the least cause of suspicion; and the third was a presbyterian

pedlar of the same nation, who had often lodged in the house before.

This declaration satisfied the thief, who swore he was glad there was a

pedlar, for he wanted some linen. Then, in a jovial manner, he put

about the glass, mingling his discourse to Betty with caresses and

familiarities, that spoke him very happy in his amours. During that

part of the conversation which regarded this, Strap had crept under the

bed, where he lay in the agonies of fear; so that it was with great

difficulty I persuaded him our danger was over, and prevailed on him to

awake the pedlar, and inform him of what he had seen and heard.

The itinerant merchant no sooner felt somebody shaking him by the

shoulder, than he started up, called, as loud as he could, “Thieves,

thieves! Lord have mercy upon us!” And Rifle, alarmed at this

exclamation, jumped up, cocked one of his pistols, and turned towards

the door to kill the first man that should enter; for he verily

believed himself beset: when his Dulcinea, after an immoderate fit of

laughter, persuaded him that the poor pedlar, dreaming of thieves, had

only cried out in his sleep.

Meanwhile, my comrade had undeceived our fellow-lodger, and informed

him of his reason for disturbing him; upon which, getting up softly, he

peeped through the hole, and was so terrified with what he saw, that,

falling down on his bare knees, he put up a long petition to Heaven to

deliver him from the hands of that ruffian, and promised never to

defraud a customer for the future of the value of a pin’s point,

provided he might be rescued from the present danger. Whether or not

his disburthening his conscience afforded him any ease I knew not, but

he slipped into bed again, and lay very quiet until the robber and his

mistress were asleep, and snored in concert; then, rising softly, he

untied a rope that was round his pack, which making fast to one end of

it, he opened the window with as little noise as possible, and lowered

his goods into the yard with great dexterity: then he moved gently to

our bedside and bade us farewell, telling us that, as we ran no risk we

might take our rest with great confidence, and in the morning assure

the landlord that we knew nothing of his escape, and, lastly, shaking

us by the hands, and wishing us all manner of success, he let himself

drop from the window without any danger, for the ground was not above a

yard from his feet as he hung on the outside.

Although I did not think proper to accompany him in his flight, I was

not at all free from apprehension when I reflected on what might be the

effect of the highwayman’s disappointment; as he certainly intended to

make free with the pedlar’s ware. Neither was my companion at more ease

in his mind, but on the contrary, so possessed with the dreadful idea

of Rifle, that he solicited me strongly to follow our countryman’s

example, and so elude the fatal resentment of that terrible adventurer,

who would certainly wreak his vengeance on us as accomplices of the

pedlar’s elopement. But I represented to him the danger of giving Rifle

cause to think we know his profession, and suggested that, if ever he

should meet us again on the road, he would look upon us as dangerous

acquaintance, and find it his interest to put us out of the way. I told

him, withal, my confidence in Betty’s good nature, in which he

acquiesced; and during the remaining part of the night we concerted a

proper method of behaviour, to render us unsuspected in the morning.

It was no sooner day than Betty, entering our chamber, and perceiving

our window open, cried out, “Odds-bobs! sure you Scotchmen must have

hot constitutions to lie all night with the window open in such cold

weather.” I feigned to start out of sleep, and, withdrawing the

curtain, called, “What’s the matter?” When she showed me, I affected

surprise, and said, “Bless me! the window was shut when we went to

bed.” “I’ll be hanged,” said she, “if Sawney Waddle, the pedlar, has

not got up in a dream and done it, for I heard him very obstropulous in

his sleep.—Sure I put a chamberpot under his bed!”

With these words she advanced to the bed, in which he lay, and, finding

the sheets cold, exclaimed, “Good lackadaisy! The rogue is fled.”

“Fled,” cried I, with feigned amazement, “God forbid! Sure he has not

robbed us!” Then, springing up, I laid hold of my breeches, and emptied

all my loose money into my hand; which having reckoned, I said, “Heaven

be praised, our money is all safe! Strap, look to the knapsack.” He did

so, and found all was right. Upon which we asked, with seeming concern,

if he had stolen nothing belonging to the house. “No, no,” replied she,

“he has stole nothing but his reckoning;” which, it seems, this pious

pedlar had forgot to discharge in the midst of his devotion.

Betty, after a moment’s pause withdrew, and immediately we could hear

her waken Rifle, who no sooner heard of Waddle’s flight than he jumped

out of bed and dressed, venting a thousand execrations, and vowing to

murder the pedlar if ever he should set eyes on him again: “For,” said

he “the scoundrel has by this time raised the hue and cry against me.”

Having dressed himself in a hurry, he mounted his horse, and for that

time rid us of his company and a thousand fears that were the

consequence of it.

While we were at breakfast, Betty endeavoured, by all the cunning she

was mistress of, to learn whether or no we suspected our fellow-lodger,

whom we saw take horse; but, as we were on our guard, we answered her

sly questions with a simplicity she could not distrust; when, all of a

sudden, we heard the trampling of a horse’s feet at the door. This

noise alarmed Strap so much, whose imagination was wholly engrossed by

the image of Rifle, that, with a countenance as pale as milk, he cried,

“O Lord! there is the highwayman returned!”

Our landlady, staring at these words, said, “What highwayman, young

man? Do you think any highwaymen harbour here?”

Though I was very much disconcerted at this piece of indiscretion in

Strap, I had presence of mind enough to tell her we had met a horseman

the day before, whom Strap had foolishly supposed to be a highwayman,

because he rode with pistols; and that he had been terrified at the

sound of a horse’s feet ever since.

She forced a smile at the ignorance and timidity of my comrade; but I

could perceive, not without great concern, that this account was not at

all satisfactory to her.

CHAPTER IX

We proceed on our Journey—are overtaken by a Highwayman who fires at

Strap—is prevented from shooting me by a Company of Horsemen, who ride

in pursuit of him—Strap is put to Bed at an Inn—Adventures at that Inn

After having paid our score and taken leave of our hostess, who

embraced me tenderly at parting, we proceeded on our journey, blessing

ourselves that we had come off so well. We had not walked above five

miles, when we observed a man on horseback galloping after us, whom we

in a short time recognised to be no other than this formidable hero who

had already given us so much vexation. He stopped hard by me, and asked

if I knew who he was? My astonishment had disconcerted me so much that

I did not hear his question, which he repeated with a volley of oaths

and threats; but I remained as mute as before.

Strap, seeing my discomposure, fell upon his knees in the mud,

uttering, with a lamentable voice, these words: “For Christ’s sake,

have mercy upon us, Mr. Rifle! we know you very well.” “Oho!” cried the

thief, “you do! But you never shall be evidence against me in this

world, you dog!” So saying, he drew a pistol, and fired it at the

unfortunate shaver, who fell flat upon the ground without speaking one

word.

My comrade’s fate and my own situation riveted me to the place where I

stood, deprived of all sense and reflection; so that I did not make the

least attempt either to run away or deprecate the wrath of this

barbarian, who snapped a second pistol at me; but, before he had time

to prime again, perceiving a company of horsemen coming up, he rode

off, and left me standing motionless as a statue, in which posture I

was found by those whose appearance had saved my life. This company

consisted of three men in livery, well armed, with an officer, who (as

I afterwards learned,) was the person from whom Rifle had taken the

pocket pistols the day before; and who, making known his misfortune to

a nobleman he met on the road, and assuring him his non-resistance was

altogether owing to his consideration for the ladies in the coach,

procured the assistance of his lordship’s servants to go in quest of

the plunderer. This holiday captain scampered up to me with great

address, and asked who fired the pistol which he had heard.

As I had not yet recovered my reason, he, before I could answer,

observed a body lying on the ground, at which sight his colour changed,

and he pronounced, with a faltering tongue, “Gentlemen, here’s murder

committed! Let us alight.” “No, no,” said one of his followers, “let us

rather pursue the murderer. Which way went he, young man?”

By this time I had recollected myself so far as to tell them that he

could not be a quarter of a mile before; and to beg one of them to

assist me in conveying the corpse of my friend to the next house, in

order to it being interred. The captain, foreseeing that, in case he

should pursue, he must soon come to action, began to curb his horse,

and gave him the spur at the same time, which treatment making the

creature rear up and snort, he called out, his horse was frightened,

and would not proceed; at the same time wheeling him round and round,

stroking his neck, whistling and wheedling him with “Sirrah,

sirrah—gently, gently.” etc. “Z—ds!”, cried one of the servants, “sure

my lord’s Sorrel is not resty!”

With these words he bestowed a lash on his buttocks, and Sorrel,

disdaining the rein sprang forward with the captain at a pace that

would have soon brought him up with the robber, had not the girth

(happily for him) given way, by which means he landed in the dirt; and

two of his attendants continued their pursuit, without minding his

situation. Meanwhile one of the three who remained at my desire,

turning the body of Strap, in order to see the wound which had killed

him, found him still warm and breathing: upon which, I immediately let

him blood, and saw him, with inexpressible joy, recover; he having

received no other wound than what his fear had inflicted. Having raised

him upon his legs, we walked together to an inn, about half a mile from

the place, where Strap, who was not quite recovered, went to bed; and

in a little time the third servant returned with the captain’s horse

and furniture, leaving him to crawl after as well as he could.

This gentleman of the sword, upon his arrival, complained grievously of

the bruise occasioned by his fall; and, on the recommendation of the

servant, who warranted my ability, I was employed to bleed him, for

which service he rewarded me with half-a-crown.

The time between this event and dinner I passed in observing a game at

cards between two farmers, an exciseman, and a young fellow in a rusty

gown and cassock, who, as I afterwards understood, was curate of a

neighbouring parish. It was easy to perceive that the match was not

equal; and that the two farmers, who were partners, had to do with a

couple of sharpers, who stripped them of all their cash in a very short

time. But what surprised me very much, was to hear this clergyman reply

to one of the countrymen, who seemed to suspect foul play, in these

words: “D—n me, friend, d’ye question my honour?”

I did not at all wonder to find a cheat in canonicals, this being a

character frequent in my own country; but I was scandalised at the

indecency of his behaviour, which appeared in the oaths he swore, and

the bawdy songs which he sung. At last, to make amends in some sort,

for the damage he had done to the unwary boors, he pulled out a fiddle

from the lining of his gown, and, promising to treat them at dinner,

began to play most melodiously, singing in concert all the while. This

good humour of this parson inspired the company with so much glee that

the farmers soon forgot their losses, and all present went to dancing

in the yard.

While we were agreeably amused in this manner, our musician, spying a

horseman a riding towards the inn, stopped all of a sudden, crying out,

“Gad so! gentlemen, I beg your pardon, there’s our dog of a doctor

coming into the inn.” He immediately commended his instrument, and ran

towards the gate, where he took hold of the vicar’s bridle, and helped

him off, inquiring very cordially into the state of his health.

This rosy son of the church, who might be about the age of fifty,

having alighted and entrusted the curate with his horse, stalked with

great solemnity, into the kitchen, where sitting down by the fire, he

called for a bottle of ale and a pipe; scarce deigning an answer to the

submissive questions of those who inquired about the welfare of his

family. While he indulged himself in this state, amidst a profound

silence, the curate, approaching him with great reverence, asked him if

he would not be pleased to honour him with his company at dinner? To

which interrogation he answered in the negative, saying, he had been to

visit Squire Bumpkin, who had drank himself into a high fever at the

last assizes; and that he had, on leaving his own house, told Betty he

should dine at home. Accordingly when he had made an end of his bottle

and pipe, he rose, and moved with prelatical dignity to the door, where

his journeyman stood ready with his nag. He had no sooner mounted than

the facetious curate, coming into the kitchen, held forth in this

manner: “There the old rascal goes, and the d—l go with him. You see

how the world wags, gentlemen. By gad, this rogue of a vicar does not

deserve to live; and yet he has two livings worth four hundred pounds

per annum, while poor I am fain to do all his drudgery, and ride twenty

miles every Sunday to preach—for what? why, truly, for twenty pounds a

year. I scorn to boast of my own qualifications but—comparisons are

odious. I should be glad to know how this wag-bellied doctor deserves

to be more at ease than me. He can loll in his elbow chair at home,

indulge himself in the best of victuals and wine and enjoy the

conversation of Betty, his housekeeper. You understand me, gentlemen.

Betty is the doctor’s poor kinswoman, and a pretty girl she is; but no

matter for that; ay, and dutiful girl to her parents, whom she visits

regularly every year, though I must own I could never learn in what

county they live, My service t’ye, gentlemen.”

By this time dinner being ready, I waked my companion, and we ate

altogether with great cheerfulness. When our meal was ended, and every

man’s share of the reckoning adjusted, the curate went out on pretence

of some necessary occasion, and, mounting his house, left the two

farmers to satisfy the host in the best manner they could. We were no

sooner informed of this piece of finesse, than the exciseman, who had

been silent hitherto, began to open with a malicious grin: “Ay, ay this

is an old trick of Shuffle; I could not help smiling when he talked of

treating. You must know this is a very curious fellow. He picked up

some scraps of learning while he served young Lord Trifte at the

university. But what he most excels in is pimping. No one knows his

talents better than I, for I was valet-de-chambre to Squire Tattle an

intimate companion of Shuffle’s lord. He got him self into a scrape by

pawning some of his lordship’s clothes on which account he was turned

away; but, as he was acquainted with some particular circumstances of

my lord’s conduct, he did not care to exasperate him too much, and so

made interest for his receiving orders, and afterwards recommended him

to the curacy which he now enjoys. However, the fellow cannot be too

much admired for his dexterity in making a comfortable livelihood, in

spite of such a small allowance. You hear he plays a good stick, and is

really diverting company; these qualifications make him agreeable

wherever he goes; and, as for playing at cards there is not a man

within three counties for him. The truth is, he is a d—able cheat, and

can shift a card with such address that it is impossible to discover

him.”

Here he was interrupted by one of the farmers, who asked, why he had

not justice enough to acquaint them with these particulars before they

engaged in play. The exciseman replied, without any hesitation, that it

was none of his business to intermeddle between man and man; besides,

he did not know they were ignorant of Shuffle’s character, which was

notorious to the whole country. This did not satisfy the other, who

taxed him with abetting and assisting the curate’s knavery, and

insisted on having his share of the winnings returned; this demand the

exciseman as positively refused affirming that, whatever sleights

Shuffle might practise on other occasions, he was very certain that he

had played on the square with them, and would answer it before any

bench in Christendom; so saying, he got up and, having paid his

reckoning, sneaked off.

The Landlord, thrusting his neck into the passage to see if he was

gone, shook his head, saying, “Ah! Lord help us! if every sinner was to

have his deserts. Well, we victuallers must not disoblige the

excisemen. But I know what; if parson Shuffle and he were weighed

together, a straw thrown into either scale would make the balance kick

the beam. But, masters, this is under the rose,” continued Boniface

with a whisper.

CHAPTER X

The Highwayman is taken—we are detained as Evidence against him—proceed

to the next village—he escapes—we arrive at another inn, where we go to

Bed—in the Night we are awaked by a dreadful Adventure—next night we

lodge at the house of a Schoolmaster—our Treatment there

Strap and I were about to depart on our journey, when we perceived a

crowd on the road coming towards us, shouting and hallooing all the

way. As it approached, we could discern a man on horseback in the

middle, with his hands tied behind him, whom we soon knew to be Rifle.

The highwayman, not being so well mounted as the two servants who went

in pursuit of him, was soon overtaken, and, after having discharged his

pistols, made prisoner without any further opposition. They were

carrying him in triumph, amidst the acclamations of the country people,

to a justice of peace in a neighbouring village, but stopped at our inn

to join their companions and take refreshment.

When Rifle was dismounted and placed in the yard, within a circle of

peasants, armed with pitchforks, I was amazed to see what a pitiful

dejected fellow he now appeared, who had but a few hours before filled

me with such terror and confusion. My companion was so much encouraged

by this alteration in his appearance that, going up to the thief, he

presented his clenched fists to his nose, and declared he would either

cudgel or box with the prisoner for a guinea, which he immediately

produced, and began to strip, but was dissuaded from this adventure by

me, who represented to him the folly of the undertaking, as Rifle was

now in the hands of justice, which would, no doubt, give us all

satisfaction enough.

But what made me repent of our impertinent curiosity was our being

detained by the captors, as evidence against him, when we were just

going to set forward. However, there was no remedy; we were obliged to

comply, and accordingly joined in the cavalcade, which luckily took the

same road that we had proposed to follow. About the twilight we arrived

at the place of our destination, but as the justice was gone to visit a

gentleman in the country, with whom (we understood) he would probably

stay all night, the robber was confined in an empty garret, three

stories high, from which it seemed impossible for him to escape; this,

nevertheless, was the case; for next morning when they went up stairs

to bring him before the justice, the bird was flown, having got out at

the window upon the roof from whence he continued his route along the

tops of the adjoining houses, and entered another garret where he

skulked until the family were asleep; at which time he ventured down

stairs, and let himself out by the street-door, which was open.

This event was a great disappointment to those that apprehended him,

who were flushed with the hopes of the reward; but gave me great joy,

as I was permitted now to continue my journey, without any further

molestation. Resolving to make up for the small progress we had

hitherto made, we this day travelled with great vigour and before night

reached a market town twenty miles from the place from whence we set

out in the morning, without meeting any adventure worth notice. Here

having taken up our lodging at an an inn, I found myself so fatigued

that I began to despair of performing our journey on foot, and desired

Strap to inquire if there were any waggon, return horses, or any cheap

carriage in this place, to depart for London next day. He was informed

that the waggon from Newcastle to London had halted there two nights

ago, and that it would be an easy matter to overtake it, if not the

next day, at farthest, the day after the next. This piece of news gave

us some satisfaction; and, after having made a hearty supper on hashed

mutton, we were shown to our room, which contained two beds, the one

allotted for us, and the other for a very honest gentleman, who, we

were told, was then drinking below. Though we could have very well

dispensed with his company, we were glad to submit to this disposition,

as there was not another bed empty in the house; and accordingly went

to rest, after having secured our baggage under the bolster. About two

or three o’clock in the morning I was awaked out of a very profound

sleep by a dreadful noise in the chamber, which did not fail to throw

me into an agony of consternation, when I heard these words pronounced

with a terrible voice: “Blood and wounds! run the halbert into the guts

of him that’s next you, and I’ll blow the other’s brains out

presently.”

This dreadful salutation had no sooner reached the ears of Strap than,

starting out of bed, he ran against somebody in the dark, and

overturned him in an instant; at the same time bawling out, “Fire!

murder! fire!” a cry which in a moment alarmed the whole house, and

filled our chamber with a crowd of naked people. When lights were

brought, the occasion of all this disturbance soon appeared; which was

no other than a fellow lodger, whom we found lying on the floor,

scratching his head, with a look testifying the utmost astonishment at

the concourse of apparitions that surrounded him.

This honest gentleman was, it seems, a recruiting sergeant, who, having

listed two country fellows over night, dreaded they had mutinied, and

threatened to murder him and the drummer who was along with him. This

made such an impression on his imagination, that he got up in his sleep

and expressed himself as above. When our apprehension of danger

vanished, the company beheld one another with great surprise and mirth;

but what attracted the notice of everyone was our landlady, with

nothing on her but her shift and a large pair of buckskin breeches,

with the backside before, which she had slipped on in the hurry, and

her husband with her petticoat about his shoulders; one had wrapped

himself in a blanket, another was covered with a sheet, and the

drummer, who had given his only shirt to be washed, appeared in cuerpo

with a bolster rolled about his middle.

When this affair was discussed, everybody retired to his own apartment,

the sergeant slipped into bed, and my companion and I slept without any

further disturbance till morning, when we got up, went to breakfast,

paid our reckoning, and set forward in expectation of overtaking the

waggon; in which hope, however, we were disappointed for that day. As

we exerted ourselves more than usual, I found myself quite spent with

fatigue, when we entered a small village in the twilight. We inquired

for a public-house, and were directed to one of a very sorry

appearance. At our entrance the landlord, who seemed to be a venerable

old man, with long gray hair, rose from a table placed by a large fire

in a very neat paved kitchen, and with a cheerful countenance accosted

us in these words: “Salvete, pueri. Ingredimini.” I was not a little

pleased to hear our host speak Latin, because I was in hope of

recommending myself to him by my knowledge in that language; I

therefore answered, without hesitation, “Dissolve frigus, ligna super

foco—large reponens.” I had no sooner pronounced these words, than the

old gentleman, running towards me, shook me by the hand, crying, “Fili

mi dilectissime! unde venis?—a superis, ni fallor?” In short, finding

we were both read in the classics, he did not know how to testify his

regard enough; but ordered his daughter, a jolly rosy-cheeked damsel

who was his sole domestic, to bring us a bottle of his quadrimum,

repeating from Horace at the same time, “Deprome quadrimum sabina, O

Tholiarche, merum diota.” This was excellent ale of his own brewing, of

which he told us he had always an amphora four years old, for the use

of himself and friends.

In the course of our conversation, which was interlarded with scraps of

Latin, we understood that this facetious person was a schoolmaster,

whose income being small, he was fain to keep a glass of good liquor

for the entertainment of passengers by which he made shift to make the

two ends of the year meet. “I am this day,” said he, “the happiest old

fellow in his majesty’s dominions. My wife, rest her soul, is in

heaven. My daughter is to be married next week; but the two chief

pleasures of my life are these (pointing to the bottle and a large

edition of Horace that lay on the table). I am old, ’tis true—what

then? the more reason I should enjoy the small share of life that

remains, as my friend Flaccus advises: ‘Tu ne quaesieris (scire nefas)

quem mihi, quem tibi finem dii dederint. Carpe diem, quam minimum

credula postero.’”

As he was very inquisitive about our affairs, we made no scruple of

acquainting him with our situation, which when he had learned, he

enriched us with advices how to behave in the world, telling us that he

was no stranger to the deceits of mankind. In the meantime he ordered

his daughter to lay a fowl to the fire for supper, for he was resolved

this night to regale his friends—permittens divis caetera. While our

entertainment was preparing, our host recounted the adventures of his

own life, which, as they contained nothing remarkable, I forbear to

rehearse. When we had fared sumptuously, and drunk several bottles of

his I expressed a desire of going to rest, which was with some

difficulty complied with, after he had informed us that we should

overtake the waggon by noon next day; and that there was room enough in

it for half-a-dozen, for there were only four passengers as yet in that

convenience.

Before my comrade and I fell asleep, we had some conversation about the

good humour of our landlord, which gave Strap such an idea of his

benevolence, that he positively believed we should pay nothing for our

lodging and entertainment. “Don’t you observe,” said he, “that he has

conceived a particular affection for us—nay, even treated us at supper

with extraordinary fare, which, to be sure, we should not of ourselves

have called for?”

I was partly of Strap’s opinion; but the experience I had of the world

made me suspend my belief till the morning, when, getting up betimes,

we breakfasted with our host and his daughter on hasty-pudding and ale,

and desired to know what we had to pay. “Biddy will let you know,

gentlemen,” said he; “for I never mind these matters. Money matters are

beneath the concern of one who lives upon the Horatian plan—Crescentum

sequitur cura pecuniam.” Meanwhile, Biddy, having consulted a slate

that hung in the corner, told us our reckoning came to 8s. 7d. “Eight

shillings and seven pence!” cried Strap, “’tis impossible! you must be

mistaken, young woman.” “Reckon again, child,” says her father, very

deliberately; “perhaps you have miscounted.” “No, indeed,” replied she,

“I know my business better.” I could contain my indignation no longer,

but said it was an unconscionable bill, and demanded to know the

particulars; upon which the old man got up, muttering, “Ay, ay, let us

see the particulars—that’s but reasonable.” And, taking pen, ink, and

paper, wrote the following items:

To bread and beer 0 6 To a fowl and sausages 2 6 To four bottles

of _quadrim_ 2 0 To fire and tobacco 0 7 To lodging 2 0 To

breakfast 1 0 —— 8 7

As he had not the appearance of a common publican, and had raised a

sort of veneration in me by his demeanour the preceding night, it was

not in my power to upbraid him as he deserved; therefore, I contented

myself with saying I was sure he did not learn to be an extortioner

from Horace. He answered, I was but a young man and did not know the

world, or I would not tax him with extortion, whose only aim was to

live contentus parvo, and keep off importuna pauperies. My fellow

traveller could not so easily put up with this imposition; but swore he

should either take one-third of the money or go without. While we were

engaged in this dispute, I perceived the daughter go out, and,

conjecturing the occasion, immediately paid the exorbitant demand,

which was no sooner done than Biddy returned with two stout fellows,

who came in on pretence of taking their morning draught, but in reality

to frighten us into compliance. Just as we departed, Strap, who was

half-distracted on account of this piece of expense, went up to the

schoolmaster, and, grinning in his face, pronounced with great

emphasis—“Semper avarus eget.” To which the pedant replied, with a

malicious smile—“Animum rege, qui, nisi paret, imperat.”

CHAPTER XI

We descry the Waggon—get into it—arrive at an inn—our Fellow Travellers

described—a Mistake is committed by Strap, which produces strange

things

We travelled half-a-mile without exchanging one word; my thoughts being

engrossed by the knavery of the world, to which I must be daily

exposed, and the contemplation of my finances, which began sensibly to

diminish. At length, Strap, who could hold no longer, addressed me

thus: “Well, fools and their money are soon parted. If my advice had

been taken, that old skin-flint should have been d—n’d before he had

got more than the third of his demand. ’Tis a sure sign you came easily

by your money, when you squander it away in this manner. Ah! God help

you, how many bristly beards must I have mowed before I earned four

shillings and threepence-halfpenny, which is all thrown to the dogs!

How many days have I sat weaving hair till my toes were numbed by the

cold, my fingers cramped, and my nose as blue as the sign of the

periwig that hung over the door! What the devil was you afraid of? I

would have engaged to box with any one of those fellows who came in for

a guinea—I’m sure—I have beat stouter men than either of them.” And,

indeed, my companion would have fought anybody when his life was in no

danger; but he had a mortal aversion to fire-arms and all instruments

of death. In order to appease him, I assured him no part of this

extraordinary expense should fall upon his shoulders; at which

declaration he was affronted, and told me he would have me to know

that, although he was a poor barber’s boy, yet he had a soul to spend

big money with the best squire of the land.

Having walked all day at a great pace, without halting for a

refreshment, we descried, toward the evening, to our inexpressible joy,

the waggon about a quarter of a mile before us; and, by that time we

reached it, were both of us so weary that I verily believe it would

have been impracticable for us to have walked one mile farther. We,

therefore, bargained with the driver, whose name was Joey, to give us a

cast to the next stage for a shilling; at which place we should meet

the master of the waggon, with whom we might agree for the rest of the

journey.

Accordingly the convenience stopped, and Joey having placed the ladder,

Strap (being loaded with our baggage) mounted first; but, just as he

was getting in, a tremendous voice assailed his ears in these words:

“God’s fury! there shall no passengers come here.” The poor shaver was

so disconcerted at this exclamation, which both he and I imagined

proceeded from the mouth of a giant, that he descended with great

velocity and a countenance as white as paper. Joey, perceiving our

astonishment, called, with an arch sneer, “Waunds, coptain, whay woant

yau sooffer the poor waggoneer to meake a penny? Coom, coom, young man,

get oop, get oop, never moind the coptain; I’se not afeard of the

coptain.”

This was not encouragement sufficient to Strap, who could not be

prevailed upon to venture up again; upon which I attempted, though not

without a quaking heart, when I heard the same voice muttering, like

distant thunder—“Hell and the devil confound me, if I don’t make you

smart for this!” However, I crept in, and by accident got an empty

place in the straw, which I immediately took possession of, without

being able to discern the faces of my fellow-travellers in the dark.

Strap following, with the knapsack on his back, chanced to take the

other side, and, by a jolt of the carriage, pitched directly upon the

stomach of the captain, who bellowed out, in a most dreadful manner,

“Blood and thunder! where’s my sword?” At these words my frighted

comrade started up, and, at one spring, bounced against me with such

force that I thought he was the supposed son of Anak, who intended to

press me to death. In the meantime a female voice cried, “Bless me!

what is the matter, my dear?” “The matter,” replied the captain, “d—n

my blood! my guts are squeezed into a pancake by that Scotchman’s

hump.” Strap, trembling all the while at my back, asked him pardon, and

laid the blame of what had happened upon the jolting of the waggon; and

the woman who spoke before went on: “Ay, ay, my dear, it is our own

fault; we may thank ourselves for all the inconveniences we meet with.

I thank God I never travelled so before. I am sure if my lady or Sir

John were to know where we are they would not sleep this night for

vexation. I wish to God we had writ for the chariot; I know we shall

never be forgiven.” “Come, come, my dear,” replied the captain, “it

don’t signify fretting now; we shall laugh it over as a frolic; I hope

you will not suffer in your health. I shall make my lord very merry

with our adventures in this diligence.”

The discourse gave me such a high notion of the captain and his lady

that I durst not venture to join in the conversation; but immediately

after another female voice began: “Some people give themselves a great

many needless airs; better folks than any here have travelled in

waggons before now. Some of us have rode in coaches and chariots, with

three footmen behind them, without making so much fuss about it. What

then? We are now all upon a footing; therefore let us be sociable and

merry. What do you say, Isaac? Is not this a good motion, you doting

rogue? Speak, you old cent per cent fornicator? What desperate debt are

you thinking of? What mortgage are you planning? Well, Isaac,

positively you shall never gain my favour till you turn over a new

leaf, grow honest, and live like a gentleman. In the meantime give me a

kiss, you old fumbler.” These words, accompanied with a hearty smack,

enlivened the person to whom they were addressed to such a degree that

he cried, in transport, though with a faltering voice, “Ah! you wanton

baggage—upon my credit, you are a waggish girl—he, he, he!” This laugh

introduced a fit of coughing, which almost suffocated the poor usurer

(such we afterwards found was the profession of this our

fellow-traveller).

About this time I fell asleep, and enjoyed a comfortable nap till such

time as we arrived at the inn where we put up. Here, having alighted

from the waggon, I had an opportunity of viewing the passengers in

order as they entered. The first who appeared was a brisk, airy girl,

about twenty years old, with a silver-laced hat on her head instead of

a cap, a blue stuff riding-suit, trimmed with silver very much

tarnished, and a whip in her hand. After her came, limping, an old man,

with a worsted nightcap buttoned under his chin, and a broad-brimmed

hat slouched over it, an old rusty blue cloak tied about his neck,

under which appeared a brown surtout, that covered a threadbare coat

and waistcoat, and, as he afterwards discerned, a dirty flannel jacket.

His eyes were hollow, bleared, and gummy; his face was shrivelled into

a thousand wrinkles, his gums were destitute of teeth, his nose sharp

and drooping, his chin peaked and prominent, so that, when he mumped or

spoke, they approached one another like a pair of nutcrackers: he

supported himself on an ivory-headed cane and his whole figure was a

just emblem of winter, famine, and avarice. But how was I surprised,

when I beheld the formidable captain in the shape of a little thin

creature, about the age of forty, with a long withered visage, very

much resembling that of a baboon, through the upper part of which two

little gray eyes peeped: he wore his own hair in a queue that reached

to his rump, which immoderate length, I suppose, was the occasion of a

baldness that appeared on the crown of his head when he deigned to take

off his hat, which was very much of the size and cock of Pistol’s.

Having laid aside his great-coat, I could not help admiring the

extraordinary make of this man of war: he was about five feet and three

inches high, sixteen inches of which went to his face and long scraggy

neck: his thighs were about six inches in length, his legs resembling

spindles or drumsticks, five feet and a half, and his body, which put

me in mind of extension without substance, engrossed the remainder: so

that on the whole, he appeared like a spider or grasshopper erect, and

was almost a vox et praeterea nihil. His dress consisted of a frock of

what is called bearskin, the skirts of which were about half a foot

long, an hussar waistcoat, scarlet breeches reaching half way down his

thighs, worsted stockings rolled up almost to his groin, and shoes with

wooden heels at least two inches high; he carried a sword very near as

long as himself in one hand, and with the other conducted his lady, who

seemed to be a woman of his own age, and still retained some remains of

an agreeable person, but so ridiculously affected, that, had I not been

a novice in the world, I might have easily perceived in her the

deplorable vanity and second-hand airs of a lady’s woman.

We were all assembled in the kitchen, when Captain Weazel (for that was

his name) desired a room with a fire for himself and spouse, and told

the landlord they would up by themselves. The innkeeper replied that he

could not afford them a room by themselves; and as for supping, he had

prepared victuals for the passengers in the waggon, without respect of

persons, but if he could prevail on the rest to let him have his choice

in a separate manner, he should be very well pleased. This was no

sooner said than all of us declared against the proposal, and Miss

Jenny (our other female passenger), observed that, if Captain Weazel

and his lady had a mind to sup by themselves, they might wait until we

should have done. At this hint the captain put on a martial frown, and

looked very big, without speaking; while his yokefellow, with a

disdainful toss of her nose, muttered something about “Creature!” which

Miss Jenny overhearing, stepped up to her, saying, “None of your names,

good Mrs. Abigail. Creature, quotha—I’ll assure you no such creature as

you neither—no ten-pound sneaker—no quality-coupler.” Here the captain

interposed, with a “D—e, madam, what do you mean by that?” “D—n you

sir, who are you?” replied Miss Jenny, “who made you a captain, you

pitiful, trencher-scraping, pimping curler? ’Sdeath! the army is come

to a fine pass, when such fellows as you get commissions. What, I

suppose you think I don’t know you? Egad, you and your helpmate are

well met—a cast-off mistress and a bald valet-de-chambre are well yoked

together.” “Blood and wounds!” cried Weazel, “d’ye question the honour

of my wife, madam? Hell and d-ion! No man in England durst say so

much—I would flay him, carbonado him! Fury and destruction! I would

have his liver for my supper.” So saying, he drew his sword and

flourished with it, to the great terror of Strap; while Miss Jenny,

snapping her fingers, told him she did not value his resentment a

louse.

In the midst of this quarrel the master of the waggon alighted, who,

understanding the cause of the disturbance, and fearing the captain and

his lady would take umbrage and leave his carriage, was at great pains

to have everything made up, which he at last accomplished, and we sat

down to supper altogether. At bedtime we were shown to our apartments;

the old usurer, Strap, and I, to one room; the captain, his wife, and

Miss Jenny, to another. About midnight, my companion’s bowels being

disordered, he got up, in order to go backward, but in his return,

mistaking one door for another, entered Weazel’s chamber, and without

any hesitation went to bed to his wife, who was fast asleep, the

captain being at another end of the room groping for some empty vessel,

in lieu of his own chamberpot, which was leaky: as he did not perceive

Strap coming in, he went towards his own bed, after having found a

convenience; but no sooner did he feel a rough head, covered with a

cotton nightcap, than it came into his mind that he had mistaken Miss

Jenny’s bed instead of his own, and that the head he felt was that of

some gallant, with whom she had made an assignation. Full of his

conjecture, and scandalised at the prostitution of his apartment, he

snatched up the vessel he had just before filled, and emptied it at

once on the astonished barber and his own wife, who waking at that

instant, broke forth into lamentable cries, which not only alarmed the

husband beyond measure, but frighted poor Strap almost out of his

senses; for he verily believed himself bewitched, especially when the

incensed captain seized him by the throat, with a volley of oaths,

asking him how he durst have the presumption to attempt the chastity of

his wife. Poor Strap was so amazed and confounded, that he could say

nothing but—“I take God to witness she’s a virgin for me.”

Mrs. Weazel, enraged to find herself in such a pickle through the

precipitation of her husband, arose in her shift, and with the heel of

her shoe which she found by the bedside, belaboured the captain’s bald

pate till he roared “Murder.” “I’ll teach you to empty your stinkpots

on me,” cried she, “you pitiful hop-o’-my-thumb coxcomb. What, I

warrant you’re jealous, you man of lath. Was it for this I condescended

to take you to my bed, you poor, withered, sapless twig?”

The noise occasioned by this adventure had brought the master of the

waggon and me to the door, where we overheard all that passed with

great satisfaction. In the meantime we were alarmed with the cry of

“Rape! Murder! Rape!” which Jenny pronounced with great vociferation.

“Oh! You vile abominable old villain,” said she, “would you rob me of

my virtue? But I’ll be revenged of you, you old goat! I will! Help! for

heaven’s sake! help! I shall be ravished! ruined! help!” Some servants

of the inn, hearing this cry, came running upstairs with lights, and

such weapons as chance afforded; when we beheld a very diverting scene.

In one corner stood the poor captain shivering in his shirt, which was

all torn to rags: with a woeful visage, scratched all over by his wife,

who had by this time wrapped the counterpane about her, and sat sobbing

on the side of her bed. At the other end lay the old usurer, sprawling

on Miss Jenny’s bed, with his flannel jacket over his shirt, and his

tawny meagre limbs exposed to the air; while she held him fast by the

two ears, and loaded him with execrations. When he asked what was the

matter, she affected to weep, told us she was afraid that wicked rogue

had ruined her in her sleep, and bade us take notice of what we saw,

for she intended to make use of our evidence against him. The poor

wretch looked like one more dead than alive, and begged to be released;

a favour which he had no sooner obtained than he protested she was no

woman, but a devil incarnate—that she had first seduced his flesh to

rebel, and then betrayed him. “Yes, cockatrice,” continued he, “you

know you laid this snare for me—but you shan’t succeed—for I will hang

myself before you shall get a farthing of me.” So saying, he crawled to

his own bed, groaning all the way. We then advanced to the Captain, who

told us, “Gentlemen, here has been a d—d mistake; but I’ll be revenged

on him who was the cause of it. That Scotchman who carries the knapsack

shall not breathe this vital air another day, if my name be Weazel. My

dear, I ask you ten thousand pardons; you are sensible, I could mean no

harm to you.” “I know not what you meant,” replied she, sighing, “but I

know I have got enough to send me to my grave.” At length they were

reconciled. The wife was complimented with a share of Miss Jenny’s bed

(her own being overflowed), and the master of the waggon invited Weazel

to sleep the remaining part of the night with him. I retired to mine,

where I found Strap mortally afraid, he having stolen away in the dark

while the captain and his lady were at loggerheads.

CHAPTER XII

Captain Weazel challenges Strap, who declines the Combat—an Affair

between the Captain and me—the Usurer is fain to give Miss Jenny five

Guineas for a Release—we are in Danger of losing a Meal—the Behaviour

of Weazel, Jenny, and Joey, on that Occasion—an Account of Captain

Weazel and his Lady—the Captain’s Courage tried—Isaac’s mirth at the

Captain’s Expense

Next morning I agreed to give the master of the waggon ten shillings

for my passage to London, provided Strap should be allowed to take my

place when I should be disposed to walk. At the same time I desired him

to appease the incensed captain, who had entered the kitchen with a

drawn sword in his hand, and threatened with many oaths to sacrifice

the villain who attempted to violate his bed; but it was to no purpose

for the master to explain the mistake, and assure him of the poor lad’s

innocence, who stood trembling behind me all the while: the more

submission that appeared in Strap, the more implacable seemed the

resentment of Weazel, who swore he must either fight him or he would

instantly put him to death. I was extremely provoked at this insolence,

and told him, it could not be supposed that a poor barber lad would

engage a man of the sword at his own weapon; but I was persuaded he

would wrestle or box with him. To which proposal Strap immediately gave

assent, by saying, “he would box with him for a guinea.” Weazel replied

with a look of disdain, that it was beneath any gentleman of his

character to fight like a porter, or even to put himself on a footing,

in any respect, with such a fellow as Strap. “Odds bodikins!” cries

Joey, “sure, coptain, yaw would not commit moorder! Here’s a poor lad

that is willing to make atonement for his offence; and an that woan’t

satisfie yaw, offers to fight yaw fairly. And yaw woan’t box, I dare

say, he will coodgel with yaw. Woan’t yaw, my lad?” Strap, after some

hesitation, answered, “Yes, yes, I’ll cudgel with him.” But this

expedient being also rejected by the captain, I began to smell his

character, and, tipping Strap the wink, told the captain that I had

always heard it said, the person who receives a challenge should have

the choice of the weapons; this therefore being the rule in point of

honour, I would venture to promise on the head of my companion, that he

would even fight Captain Weazel at sharps; but it should be with such

sharps as Strap was best acquainted with, namely, razors. At my

mentioning razors: I could perceive the captain’s colour change while

Strap, pulling me by the sleeve, whispered with great eagerness: “No,

no, no; for the love of God, don’t make any such bargain.” At length,

Weazel, recovering himself, turned towards me, and with a ferocious

countenance asked, “Who the devil are you? Will you fight me?” With

these words, putting himself in a posture, I was grievously alarmed at

seeing the point of a sword within half a foot of my breast; and,

springing to one side, snatched up a spit that stood in the

chimney-corner, with which I kept my formidable adversary at bay, who

made a great many half-longes, skipping backward at every push, till at

last I pinned him up in a corner, to the no small diversion of the

company. While he was in this situation his wife entered, and, seeing

her husband in these dangerous circumstances, uttered a dreadful

scream: in this emergency, Weazel demanded a cessation, which was

immediately granted; and at last was contented with the submission of

Strap, who, falling on his knees before him, protested the innocence of

his intention, and asked pardon for the mistake he had committed. This

affair being ended without bloodshed, we went to breakfast, but missed

two of our company, namely, Miss Jenny and the usurer. As for the

first, Mrs. Weazel informed us, that she had kept her awake all night

with her groans; and that when she rose in the morning, Miss Jenny was

so much indisposed that she could not proceed on her journey. At that

instant, a message came from her to the master of the waggon, who

immediately went into her chamber, followed by us all. She told him in

a lamentable tone, that she was afraid of a miscarriage, owing to the

fright she received last night from the brutality of Isaac; and, as the

event was uncertain, desired the usurer might be detained to answer for

the consequence. Accordingly, this ancient Tarquin was found in the

waggon, whither he had retired to avoid the shame of last night’s

disgrace, and brought by force into her presence. He no sooner appeared

than she began to weep and sigh most piteously, and told us, if she

died, she would leave her blood upon the head of that ravisher. Poor

Isaac turned up his eyes and hands to heaven, prayed that God would

deliver him from the machinations of that Jezebel; and assured us, with

tears in his eyes, that his being found in bed with her was the result

of her own invitation. The waggoner, understanding the case, advised

Isaac to make it up, by giving her a sum of money: to which advice he

replied with great vehemence, “A sum of money!—a halter for the

cockatrice!” “Oh! ’tis very well,” said Miss Jenny; “I see it is in

vain to attempt that flinty heart of his by fair means. Joey, be so

good as to go to the justice, and tell him there is a sick person here,

who wants to see him on an affair of consequence.” At the name of

justice Isaac trembled, and bidding Joey stay, asked with a quavering

voice, “What she would have? She told him that, as he had not

perpetrated his wicked purpose, she would be satisfied with a small

matter. And though the damage she might sustain in her health might be

irreparable, she would give him a release for a hundred guineas.” “A

hundred guineas!” cried he in an ecstacy, “a hundred furies! Where

should a poor old wretch like me have a hundred guineas? If I had so

much money, d’ya think I should be found travelling in a waggon, at

this season of the year?” “Come, come,” replied Jenny, “none of your

miserly artifice here. You think I don’t know Isaac Rapine, the

money-broker, in the Minories. Ah! you old rogue! many a pawn have you

had of me and my acquaintance, which was never redeemed.” Isaac,

finding it was in vain to disguise himself, offered twenty shillings

for a discharge, which she absolutely refused under fifty pounds: at

last, however, she was brought down to five, which he paid with great

reluctancy, rather than be prosecuted for a rape. After which

accommodation, the sick person made a shift to get into the waggon, and

we set forward in great tranquillity; Strap being accommodated with

Joey’s horse, the driver himself choosing to walk. The morning and

forenoon we were entertained with an account of the valour of Captain

Weazel, who told us he had once knocked down a soldier that made game

of him; tweaked a drawer by the nose, who found fault with his picking

his teeth with a fork, at another time; and that he had moreover

challenged a cheesemonger, who had the presumption to be his rival: for

the truth of which exploits he appealed to his wife. She confirmed

whatever he said, and observed, “The last affair happened that very day

on which I received a love-letter from Squire Gobble, and don’t you

remember, my dear, I was prodigiously sick that very night with eating

ortolans, when my Lord Diddle took notice of my complexion’s being

altered, and my lady was so alarmed that she had well nigh fainted?”

“Yes, my dear,” replied the captain, “you know my lord said to me, with

a sneer, ‘Billy, Mrs. Weazel is certainly breeding.’ And I answered

cavalierly, ‘My lord, I wish I could return the compliment.’ Upon which

the whole company broke out into an immoderate fit of laughter; and my

lord, who loves a repartee dearly, came round and bussed me.” We

travelled in this manner five days, without interruption or meeting

anything worth notice: Miss Jenny, who soon recovered her spirits,

entertaining us every day with diverting songs, of which she could sing

a great number; and rallying her own gallant, who, notwithstanding,

would never be reconciled to her. On the sixth day, while we were about

to sit down to dinner, the innkeeper came and told us, that three

gentlemen, just arrived, had ordered the victuals to be carried to

their apartment, although he had informed them that they were bespoke

by the passengers in the waggon. To which information they had replied,

“the passengers in the waggon might be d—d, their betters must be

served before them; they supposed it would be no hardship on such

travellers to dine upon bread and cheese for one day.” This was a

terrible disappointment to us all; and we laid our heads together how

to remedy it; when Miss Jenny observed that Captain Weazel, being by

profession a soldier, ought in this case to protect and prevent us from

being insulted. But the Captain excused himself, saying, he would not

for all the world be known to have travelled in a waggon! swearing at

the same time, that could he appear with honour, they should eat his

sword sooner than his provision. Upon this declaration, Miss Jenny,

snatching his weapon, drew it, and ran immediately into the kitchen,

where she threatened to put the cook to death if he did not send the

victuals into our chamber immediately. The noise she made brought the

three strangers down, one of whom no sooner perceived her than he

cried, “Ha! Jenny Ramper! what the devil brought thee hither?” “My dear

Jack Rattle!” replied she, running into his arms, “is it you? Then

Weazel may go to hell for a dinner—I shall dine with you.”

They consented to this proposal with a great deal of joy; and we were

on the point of being reduced to a very uncomfortable meal, when Joey,

understanding the whole affair, entered the kitchen with a pitchfork in

his hand, and swore he would be the death of any man who should pretend

to seize the victuals prepared for the waggon. The menace had like to

have produced fatal consequences; the three strangers drawing their

swords, and being joined by their servants, and we ranging ourselves on

the side of Joey; when the landlord, interposing, offered to part with

his own dinner to keep the peace, which was accepted by the strangers;

and we sat down at table without any further molestation. In the

afternoon, I chose to walk along with Joey, and Strap took my place.

Having entered into a conversation with this driver, I soon found him

to be a merry, facetious, good-natured fellow, and withal very arch; he

informed me, that Miss Jenny was a common girl upon the town, who,

falling into company with a recruiting officer, he carried her down in

the stage coach from London to Newcastle, where he had been arrested

for debt, and was now in prison; upon which she was fain to return to

her former way of life, by this conveyance. He told me likewise, that

one of the gentleman’s servants, who were left at the inn, having

accidentally seen Weazel, immediately knew him, and acquainted Joey

with some particulars of his character. That he had served my Lord

Frizzle in quality of valet-de-chambre many years, while he lived

separate from his lady; but, upon their reconciliation, she expressly

insisted upon Weazel’s being turned off, as well as the woman he kept:

when his lordship, to get rid of them both with a good grace, proposed

that he should marry his Mistress, and he would procure a commission

for him in the army: this expedient was agreed to, and Weazel is now,

by his lordship’s interest, ensigned in —’s regiment. I found he and I

had the same sentiments with regard to Weazel’s courage, which he

resolved to put to the trial, by alarming the passengers with the cry

of a ‘highwayman!’ as soon as a horseman should appear.

This scheme we put in practice, towards the dusk, when we descried a

man on horseback approaching us. Joey had no sooner intimated to the

people in the waggon, that he was afraid we should be all robbed than a

general consternation arose: Strap jumped out of the waggon, and hid

himself behind a hedge. The usurer put forth ejaculations, and made a

rustling among the straw, which made us conjecture he had hid something

under it. Mrs. Weazel, wringing her hands uttered lamentable cries: and

the captain, to our great amazement, began to snore; but this artifice

did not succeed; for Miss Jenny, shaking him by the shoulder, bawled

out, “Sdeath! captain, is this a time to snore, when we are going to be

robbed? Get up for shame, and behave like a soldier and man of honour!”

Weazel pretended to be in a great passion for being disturbed, and

swore he would have his nap out if all the highwaymen in England

surrounded him. “D—n my blood! what are you afraid of?” continued he;

at the same time trembling with such agitation that the whole carriage

shook. This singular piece of behaviour incensed Miss Ramper so much

that she cried, “D—n your pitiful soul, you are as arrant a poltroon,

as ever was drummed out of a regiment. Stop the waggon, Joey—let me

out, and by G—d, if I have rhetoric enough, the thief shall not only

take your purse, but your skin also.” So saying she leaped out with

great agility. By this time the horseman came up and happened to be a

gentleman’s servant well known to Joey, who communicated the scheme,

and desired him to carry it on a little further, by going into the

waggon, and questioning those within. The stranger, consenting for the

sake of diversion, approached it, and in a terrible tone demanded, “Who

have we got here?” Isaac replied, with a lamentable voice, “Here’s a

poor miserable sinner, who has got a small family to maintain, and

nothing in the world wherewithal, but these fifteen shillings which if

you rob me of we must all starve together.” “Who’s that sobbing in the

other corner?” said the supposed highwayman. “A poor unfortunate

woman,” answered Mrs. Weazle, “upon whom I beg you, for Christ’s sake,

to have compassion.” “Are you maid or wife,” said he. “Wife, to my

sorrow,” said she. “Who, or where is your husband?” continued he. “My

husband,” replied Mrs. Weazel, “is an officer in the army and was left

sick at the last inn where we dined.” “You must be mistaken, madam,”

said he, “for I myself saw him get into the waggon this afternoon. But

pray what smell is that? Sure your lapdog has befouled himself; let me

catch hold of the nasty cur, I’ll teach him better manners.” Here he

laid hold of one of Weazel’s legs, and pulled him out from under his

wife’s petticoat, where he had concealed himself. The poor trembling

captain, being detected in his inglorious situation, rubbed his eyes,

and affecting to wake out of sleep, cried, “What’s the matter? What’s

the matter?” “The matter is not much,” answered the horseman; “I only

called in to inquire after your health, and so adieu, most noble

captain.” He clapped spurs to his horse, and was out of sight in a

moment.

It was some time before Weazel could recollect himself, but at length

reassuming the big look, he said, “D—n the fellow! why did he ride away

before I had time to ask him how his lord and lady do? Don’t you

remember Tom, my dear?” addressing himself to his wife. “Yes,” replied

she, “I think I do remember something of the fellow, but you know I

seldom converse with people of his station.” “Hey-day!” cried Joey, “do

yaw knaw the young mon, coptain?” “Know him,” said Weazel, “many a time

has he filled a glass of Burgundy for me, at my Lord Trippett’s table.”

“And what may his name be, coptain?” said Joey. “His name!—his name,”

replied Weazel, “is Tom Rinser.” “Waunds,” cried Joey, “a has changed

his own neame then! for I’se lay a wager he was christened John

Trotter.” This observation raised a laugh against the captain, who

seemed very much disconcerted; when Isaac broke silence, and said, “It

is no matter who or what he was, since he has not proved the robber we

suspected, and we ought to bless God for our narrow escape.” “Bless

God,” said Weazel, “bless the devil! for what? Had he been a

highwayman, I should have eaten his blood, body, and guts, before he

had robbed me, or any one in this diligence.” “Ha, ha, ha,” cried Miss

Jenny, “I believe you will eat all you kill, indeed, captain.” The

usurer was so well pleased at the event of this adventure, that he

could not refrain from being severe, and took notice that Captain

Weazel seemed to be a good Christian, for he had armed himself with

patience and resignation, instead of carnal weapons; and worked out his

salvation with fear and trembling. This piece of satire occasioned a

great deal of mirth at Weazel’s expense, who muttered a great many

oaths, and threatened to cut Isaac’s throat. The usurer, taking hold of

this menace, said, “Gentlemen and ladies, I take you all to witness,

that my life is in danger from this bloody-minded officer; I’ll have

him bound over to the peace.” This second sneer produced another laugh

against him, and he remained crestfallen during the remaining part of

our journey.

CHAPTER XIII

Strap and I are terrified by an Apparition—Strap’s Conjecture—the

Mystery explained by Joey—we arrive in London—our Dress and Appearance

described—we are insulted in the Street—an Adventure in an Alehouse—we

are imposed upon by a waggish Footman—set to rights by a

Tobacconist—take Lodgings—dive for a Dinner—an Accident at our Ordinary

We arrived at our inn, supped, and went to bed; but Strap’s distemper

continuing, he was obliged to rise in the middle of the night, and

taking the candle in his hand, which he had left burning for the

purpose, he went down to the house of office, whence in a short time he

returned in a great hurry, with his hair standing on end, and a look

betokening horror and astonishment. Without speaking a word, he set

down the light and jumped into bed behind me, where he lay and trembled

with great violence. When I asked him what was the matter, he replied,

with a broken accent, “God have mercy on us! I have seen the devil!”

Though my prejudice was not quite so strong as his, I was not a little

alarmed at this exclamation, and much more so when I heard the sound of

bells approaching our chamber, and felt my bedfellow cling close to me,

uttering these words, “Christ have mercy upon us; there he comes!” At

that instance a monstrous overgrown raven entered our chamber, with

bells at his feet, and made directly towards our bed. As this creature

is reckoned in our country a common vehicle for the devil and witches

to play their pranks in, I verily believed we were haunted; and, in a

violent fright, shrank under the bedclothes. This terrible apparition

leaped upon the bed, and after giving us several severe dabs with its

beak through the blankets, hopped away, and vanished. Strap and I

recommended ourselves to the protection of heaven with great devotion,

and, when we no longer heard the noise, ventured to peep up and take

breath. But we had not been long freed from this phantom, when another

appeared, that had well nigh deprived us both of our senses. We

perceived an old man enter the room, with a long white beard that

reached to his middle; there was a certain wild peculiarity in his eyes

and countenance that did not savour of this world; and his dress

consisted of a brown stuff coat, buttoned behind and at the wrists,

with an odd-fashioned cap of the same stuff upon his head. I was so

amazed that I had not power to move my eyes from such a ghastly object,

but lay motionless and saw him come straight up to me: when he reached

the bed, he wrung his hands, and cried, with a voice that did not seem

to belong to a human creature, “Where is Ralph?” I made no reply: upon

which he repeated, in an accent still more preternatural, “Where is

Ralpho?” He had no sooner pronounced these words than I heard the sound

of the bells at a distance; which the apparition, having listened to,

tripped away, and left me almost petrified with fear. It was a good

while before I could recover myself so far as to speak; and, when at

length I turned to Strap, I found him in a fit, which, however, did not

last long. When he came to himself, I asked his opinion of what had

happened; and he assured me that the first must certainly be the soul

of some person damned, which appeared by the chain about his legs (for

his fears had magnified the creature to the bigness of a horse, and the

sound of small morice-bells to the clanking of massy chains). As for

the old man, he took it to be the spirit of somebody murdered long ago

in this place, which had power granted to torment the assassin in the

shape of a raven, and that Ralpho was the name of the said murderer.

Although I had not much faith in this interpretation, I was too much

troubled to enjoy any sleep: and in all my future adventures never

passed a night so ill.

In the morning Strap imparted the whole affair to Joey, who, after an

immoderate fit of laughter, explained the matter, by telling him that

the old man was the landlord’s father, who had been an idiot some

years, and diverted himself with a tame raven, which, it seems, had

hopped away from his apartment in the night, and induced him to follow

it to our chamber, where he had inquired after it under the name of

Ralpho.

Nothing remarkable happened during the remaining part of our journey,

which continued six or seven days longer: at length we entered the

great city, and lodged all night at the inn where the waggon put up.

Next morning all the passengers parted different ways, while my

companion and I sallied out to inquire for the member of parliament, to

whom I had a letter of recommendation from Mr. Crab. As we had

discharged our lodging at the inn, Strap took up our baggage and,

marched behind me in the street with the knapsack on his back, as

usual, so that we made a very whimsical appearance. I had dressed

myself to the greatest advantage; that is, put on a clean ruffled

shirt, and my best thread stockings: my hair (which was of the deepest

red) hung down upon my shoulders, as lank and straight as a pound of

candles; and the skirts of my coat reached to the middle of my leg; my

waistcoat and breeches were of the same piece, and cut in the same

taste; and my hat very much resembled a barber’s basin, in the

shallowness of the crown and narrowness of the brim. Strap was habited

in a much less awkward manner: but a short crop-eared wig, that very

much resembled Scrub’s in the play, and the knapsack on his back, added

to what is called a queer phiz, occasioned by a long chin, a hook nose,

and high cheek bones, rendered him, on the whole, a very fit subject of

mirth and pleasantry. As he walked along, Strap, at my desire, inquired

of a carman, whom we met, whereabouts Mr. Cringer lived: and was

answered by a stare, accompanied with the word “Anan!” Upon which I

came up, in order to explain the question, but had the misfortune to be

unintelligible likewise, the carman damning us for a lousy Scotch

guard, whipping his horses with a “Gee ho!” which nettled me to the

quick, and roused the indignation of Strap so far that, after the

fellow was gone a good way, he told me he would fight him for a

farthing.

While we were deliberating upon what was to be done, a hackney

coachman, driving softly along, and perceiving us standing by the

kennel, came up close to us, and calling, “A coach, master!” by a

dexterous management of the reins made his horses stumble in the wet,

and bedaub us all over with mud. After which exploit he drove on,

applauding himself with a hearty laugh, in which several people joined,

to my great mortification; but one, more compassionate than the rest,

seeing us strangers, advised me to go into an alehouse, and dry myself.

I thanked him for his advice, which I immediately complied with; and,

going into the house he pointed out, called for a pot of beer, and sat

down by a fire in the public room where we cleaned ourselves as well as

we could. In the meantime, a wag, who sat in a box, smoking his pipe,

understanding, by our dialect, that we were from Scotland, came up to

me and, with a grave countenance asked how long I had been caught. As I

did not know the meaning of this question, I made no answer; and he

went on, saying it could not be a great while, for my tail was not yet

cut; at the same time taking hold of my hair, and tipping the wink to

the rest of the company, who seemed highly entertained with his wit. I

was incensed at this usage, but afraid of resenting it, because I

happened to be in a strange place, and perceived the person who spoke

to me was a brawny fellow, for whom I thought myself by no means a

match. However, Strap, having either more courage or less caution,

could not put up with the insults I suffered, but told him in a

peremptory tone, “He was an uncivil fellow for making so free with his

betters.” Then the wit going toward him, asked him what he had got in

his knapsack? “Is it oatmeal or brimstone, Sawney?” said he, seizing

him by the chin, which he shook, to the inexpressible diversion of all

present. My companion, feeling himself assaulted in such an opprobrious

manner, disengaged himself in a trice, and lent his antagonist such a

box on the ear as made him stagger to the other side of the room; and,

in a moment, a ring was formed for the combatants. Seeing Strap

beginning to strip, and my blood being heated with indignation, which

banished all other thoughts, I undressed myself to the skin in an

instant, and declared, that as the affront that occasioned the quarrel

was offered to me, I would fight it out myself; upon which one or two

cried out, “That’s a brave Scotch boy; you shall have fair play.” His

assurance gave me fresh spirits, and, going up to my adversary, who by

his pale countenance did not seem much inclined to the battle, I struck

him so hard on the stomach, that he reeled over a bench, and fell to

the ground. Then I attempted to keep him down, in order to improve my

success, according to the manner of my own country, but was restrained

by the spectators, one of whom endeavoured to raise up my opponent, but

in vain; for he protested he would not fight, for he was not quite

recovered of a late illness. I was very well pleased with this excuse,

and immediately dressed myself, having acquired the good opinion of the

company for my bravery, as well as of my comrade Strap, who shook me by

the hand, and wished me joy of the victory.

After having drunk our pot, and dried our clothes, we inquired of the

landlord if he knew Mr. Cringer, the member of parliament, and were

amazed at his replying in the negative; for we imagined he must be

altogether as conspicuous here as in the borough he represented; but he

told us we might possibly hear of him as we passed along. We betook

ourselves therefore to the street, where seeing a footman standing at

the door, we made up to him, and asked if he knew where our patron

lived? This member of the particoloured fraternity, surveying us both

very minutely, said he knew Mr. Cringer very well, and bade us turn

down the first street on our left, then turn to the right, and then to

the left again, after which perambulation we would observe a lane,

through which we must pass, and at the other end we should find an

alley that leads to another street, where we should see the sign of the

Thistle and Three Pedlars, and there he lodged. We thanked him for his

information, and went forwards, Strap telling me, that he knew this

person to be an honest friendly man by his countenance, before he

opened his mouth; in which opinion I acquiesced, ascribing his good

manners to the company he daily saw in the house where he served.

We followed his directions punctually, in turning to the left, and to

the right, and to the left again; but instead of seeing a lane before

us, found ourselves at the side of the river, a circumstance that

perplexed us not a little; and my fellow-traveller ventured to

pronounce, that we had certainly missed our way. By this time we were

pretty much fatigued with our walk, and not knowing how to proceed, I

went into a small snuff-shop hard by, encouraged by the sign of the

Highlander, where I found, to my inexpressible satisfaction, the

shopkeeper was my countryman. He was no sooner informed of our

peregrination, and the directions we had received from the footman,

than he informed us we had been imposed upon, telling us, Mr. Cringer

lived in the other end of the town and that it would be to no purpose

for us to go thither to-day, for by that time he was gone to the House.

I then asked, if he could recommend us a lodging. He really gave us a

line to one of his acquaintance who kept a chandler’s shop not far from

St. Martin’s Lane; there we hired a bed-room, up two pair of stairs, at

the rate of two shillings per week, so very small, that when the bed

was let down, we were obliged to carry out every other piece of

furniture that belonged to the apartment, and use the bedstead by way

of chairs. About dinner-time, our landlord asked how we proposed to

live? to which interrogation we answered, that we would be directed by

him. “Well, then,” says he, “there are two ways of eating in this town

for people of your condition—the one more creditable and expensive than

the other: the first is to dine at an eating-house frequented by

well-dressed people only; and the other is called diving, practised by

those who are either obliged or inclined to live frugally.” I gave him

to understand that, provided the last was not infamous, it would suit

much better with our circumstances than the other. “Infamous!” cried

he, “not at all; there are many creditable people, rich people, ay, and

fine people, that dive every day. I have seen many a pretty gentleman

with a laced waistcoat dine in that manner very comfortably for three

pence halfpenny, and go afterwards to the coffee-house, where he made a

figure with the best lord in the land; but your own eyes shall bear

witness—I will go along with you to-day and introduce you.”

He accordingly conducted us to a certain lane, where stopping, he bade

us observe him, and do as he did, and, walking a few paces, dived into

a cellar and disappeared in an instant. I followed his example, and

descending very successfully, found myself in the middle of a cook’s

shop, almost suffocated with the steams of boiled beef, and surrounded

by a company of hackney coachmen, chairmen, draymen, and a few footmen

out of place or on board-wages; who sat eating shin of beef, tripe,

cow-heel, or sausages, at separate boards, covered with cloths which

turned my stomach. While I stood in amaze, undetermined whether to sit

down or walk upwards again, Strap, in his descent, missing one of the

stops, tumbled headlong into this infernal ordinary, and overturned the

cook as she carried a porringer of soup to one of the guests. In her

fall, she dashed the whole mess against the legs of a drummer belonging

to the foot-guards, who happened to be in her way, and scalded him so

miserably, that he started up, and danced up and down, uttering a

volley of execrations that made my hair stand on end.

While he entertained the company in this manner, with an eloquence

peculiar to himself, the cook got up, and after a hearty curse on the

poor author of this mischance, who lay under the table with a woful

countenance, emptied a salt-cellar in her hand, and, stripping down the

patient’s stocking, which brought the skin along with it, applied the

contents to the sore. This poultice was scarce laid on, when the

drummer, who had begun to abate of his exclamations, broke forth into

such a hideous yell as made the whole company tremble, then, seizing a

pewter pint pot that stood by him, squeezed the sides of it together,

as if it had been made of pliant leather, grinding his teeth at the

same time with a most horrible grin. Guessing the cause of this violent

transport, I bade the woman wash off the salt, and bathe the part with

oil, which she did, and procured him immediate ease. But here another

difficulty occurred, which was no other than the landlady’s insisting

on his paying for the pot he had rendered useless. He said, he would

pay for nothing but what he had eaten, and bade her be thankful for his

moderation, or else he would prosecute her for damages. Strap,

foreseeing the whole affair would lie at his door, promised to satisfy

the cook, and called for a dram of gin to treat the drummer, which

entirely appeased him, and composed all animosities. After this

accommodation, our landlord and we sat down at a board, and dined upon

shin of beef most deliciously; our reckoning amounting to twopence

halfpenny each, bread and small beer included.

CHAPTER XIV

We visit Strap’s friend—a description of him—his advice—we go to Mr.

Cringer’s house—are denied admittance—an Accident befalls Strap—his

behaviour thereupon—an extraordinary adventure occurs, in the course of

which I lose all my money

In the afternoon my companion proposed to call at his friend’s house,

which, we were informed, was in the neighbourhood, whither we

accordingly went, and were so lucky as to find him at home. This

gentleman, who had come from Scotland three or four years before, kept

a school in town, where he taught the Latin, French, and Italian

languages; but what he chiefly professed was the pronunciation of the

English tongue, after a method more speedy and uncommon than any

practised heretofore, and, indeed, if his scholars spoke like their

master, the latter part of his undertaking was certainly performed to a

tittle: for although I could easily understand every word of what I had

heard hitherto since I entered England, three parts in four of his

dialect were as unintelligible to me as if he had spoken in Arabic or

Irish. He was a middle-sized man, and stooped very much, though not

above the age of forty; his face was frightfully pitted with the

small-pox, and his mouth extended from ear to ear. He was dressed in a

night-gown of plaid, fastened about his middle with a sergeant’s old

sash, and a tie-periwig with a foretop three inches high, in the

fashion of King Charles the Second’s reign.

After he had received Strap, who was related to him, very courteously,

he inquired of him who I was; and being informed, he took me by the

hand, telling me he was at school with my father. When he understood my

situation, he assured me that he would do me all the service in his

power, both by his advice and otherwise, and while he spoke these words

eyed me with great attention, walking round me several times, and

muttering, “Oh, dear! Oh, dear! fat a saight is here!” I soon guessed

the reason of his ejaculation, and said, “I suppose, sir, you are not

pleased with my dress.” “Dress,” answered he, “you may caal it fat you

please in your country, but I vow to Gad ’tis a masquerade here. No

Christian will admit such a figure into his house. Upon my conscience,

I wonder the dogs did not hunt you. Did you pass through St. James’s

market? Bless my eyesaight! you are like a cousin-german of an

ourangoutang.” I began to be a little serious at this discourse, and

asked him, if he thought I should obtain entrance to-morrow at the

house of Mr. Cringer, on whom I chiefly depended for an introduction

into business? “Mr. Cringer, Mr. Cringer,” replied he, scratching his

cheek, “may be a very honest gentleman—I know nothing to the contrary;

but is your sole dependence upon him? Who recommended you to him?” I

pulled out Mr. Crab’s letter, and told him the foundation of my hopes,

at which he stared at me, and repeated “Oh dear! Oh dear!” I began to

conceive bad omens from this behaviour of his, and begged he would

assist me with his advice, which he promised to give very frankly; and

as a specimen, directed us to a periwig warehouse in the neighbourhood,

in order to be accommodated; laying strong injunctions on me not to

appear before Mr. Cringer till I had parted with my carroty locks,

which, he said, were sufficient to beget an antipathy against me in all

mankind. And as we were going to pursue this advice, he called me back

and bade me be sure to deliver my letter into Mr. Cringer’s own hand.

As we walked along, Strap triumphed greatly in our reception with his

friend, who, it seems, had assured him he would in a day or two provide

for him with some good master; “I and now,” says he, “I you will see

how I will fit you with a wig. There’s ne’er a barber in London (and

that’s a bold word) can palm a rotten caul, or a pennyweight of dead

hair, upon me.” And, indeed, this zealous adherent did wrangle so long

with the merchant, that he was desired twenty times to leave the shop,

and see if he could get one cheaper elsewhere. At length I made choice

(if a good handsome bob), for which I paid ten shillings, and returned

to our lodging, where Strap in a moment rid me of that hair which had

given the schoolmaster so much offence.

We got up next day betimes, having been informed that Mr. Cringer gave

audience by candle-light to all his dependents, he himself being

obliged to attend the levee of my Lord Terrier at break of day, because

his lordship made one at the minister’s between eight and nine o’clock.

When we came to Mr. Cringer’s door, Strap, to give me all instance of

his politeness, ran to the knocker, which he employed so loud and so

long, that he alarmed the whole street; and a window opening in the

second story of the next house, a vessel was discharged upon him so

successfully, that the poor barber was wet to the skin, while I, being

luckily at some distance, escaped the unsavoury deluge. In the

meantime, a footman opening the door, and seeing nobody in the street

but us, asked, with a stern countenance, if it was I who made such a

noise, and what I wanted. I told him I had business with his master,

whom I desired to see. Upon which he slapped the door in my face,

telling me I must learn better manners before I could have access to

his master. Vexed at this disappointment, I turned my resentment

against Strap, whom I sharply reprimanded for his presumption; but he,

not in the least regarding what I said, wrung the wet out of his

periwig, and lifting up a large stone, flung it with such force against

the street door of that house from whence he had been bedewed, that the

lock giving way, it flew wide open, and he took to his heels, leaving

me to follow him as I could. Indeed, there was no time for

deliberation; I therefore pursued him with all the speed I could exert,

until we found ourselves about the dawn in a street we did not know.

Here, as we wandered along gaping about, a very decent sort of a man,

passing by me, stopped of a sudden and took up something, which having

examined, he turned and presented to me with these words: “Sir, you

have dropped half-a-crown.” I was not a little surprised at this

instance of honesty, and told him it did not belong to me; but he bade

me recollect, and see if all my money was safe; upon which I pulled out

my purse, for I had bought one since I came to town, and, reckoning my

money in my hand, which was now reduced to five guineas seven shillings

and twopence, assured him I had lost nothing. “Well, then, says he, so

much the better; this is a godsend, and as you two were present when I

picked it up, you are entitled to equal shares with me.” I was

astonished at these words, and looked upon this person to be a prodigy

of integrity, but absolutely refused to take any part of the sum.

“Come, gentlemen,” said he, “you are too modest—I see you are

strangers, but you shall give me leave to treat you with a whet this

cold raw morning.” I would have declined the invitation, but Strap

whispered to me that the gentleman would be affronted, and I complied.

“Where shall we go?” said the stranger; “I am quite ignorant of this

part of the town.” I informed him that we were in the same situation;

upon which he proposed to go into the first public-house we should find

open; and as we walked together, he began in this manner: “I find by

your tongues you are from Scotland, gentlemen; my grandmother by the

father’s side was of your country, and I am so prepossessed in its

favour, that I never meet a Scotchman but my heart warms. The Scots are

very brave people. There is scarce a great family in the kingdom that

cannot boast of some exploits performed by its ancestors many hundred

years ago. There’s your Douglasses, Gordons, Campbells, Hamiltons. We

have no such ancient families here in England. Then you are all very

well educated. I have known a pedlar talk in Greek and Hebrew as well

as if they had been his mother-tongue. And for honesty—I once had a

servant, his name was Gregor Macgregor, I would have trusted him with

untold gold.”

This eulogium of my native country gained my affections so strongly,

that I believe I could have gone to death to serve the author; and

Strap’s eyes swam in tears. At length, as we passed through a dark

narrow lane, we perceived a public-house, which we entered, and found a

man sitting by the fire, smoking a pipe, with a pint of purl before

him. Our new acquaintance asked us if ever we had drunk egg-flip? To

which question we answering in the negative, he assured us of a regale,

and ordered a quart to be prepared, calling for pipes and tobacco at

the same time. We found this composition very palateable, and drank

heartily; the conversation, which was introduced by the gentleman,

turning upon the snares that young inexperienced people are exposed to

in this metropolis. He described a thousand cheats that are daily

practised upon the ignorant and unwary, and warned us of them with so

much good nature and concern, that we blessed the opportunity which

threw us in his way. After we had put the can about for some time, our

new friend began to yawn, telling us he had been up all night with a

sick person; and proposed we should have recourse to some diversion to

keep him awake. “Suppose,” said he, “we should take a hand at whist for

pastime. But let me see: that won’t do, there’s only three of us; and I

cannot play at any other game. The truth is, I seldom or never play,

but out of complaisance, or at such a time as this, when I am in danger

of falling asleep.”

Although I was not much inclined to gaming, I felt no aversion to pass

an hour or two at cards with a friend; and knowing that Strap

understood as much of the matter as I, made no scruple of saying, “I

wish we could find a fourth hand.” While we were in this perplexity the

person whom we found in the house at our entrance, overhearing our

discourse, took the pipe from his mouth very gravely, and accosted us

thus: “Gentlemen, my pipe is out, you see,” shaking the ashes into the

fire, “and rather than you should be balked, I don’t care if I take a

hand with you for a trifle—but remember I won’t play for anything of

consequence.” We accepted his proffer with pleasure. Having cut for

partners, it fell to my lot to play with him against our friend and

Strap, for threepence a game. We were so successful, that in a short

time I was half-a-crown gainer; when the gentleman whom we had met in

the street observing he had no luck to-day, proposed to leave off, or

change partners. By this time I was inflamed with my good fortune and

the expectation of improving it, as I perceived the two strangers

played but indifferently; therefore I voted for giving him his revenge:

and cutting again, Strap and I, to our mutual satisfaction, happened to

be partners. My good fortune attended me still, and in less than an

hour we had got thirty shillings of their money, for as they lost they

grew the keener, and doubled stakes every time. At last the inconstant

goddess began to veer about, and we were very soon stripped of all our

gains, and about forty shillings of our own money. This loss mortified

me extremely, and had a visible effect on the muscles of Strap’s face,

which lengthened apace; but our antagonists perceiving our condition,

kindly permitted us to retrieve our loss, and console ourselves with a

new acquisition. Then my companion wisely suggested it was time to be

gone; upon which the person who had joined us in the house began to

curse the cards, and muttered that we were indebted to fortune only for

what we had got, no part of our success being owing to our good play.

This insinuation nettled me so much that I challenged him to a game at

piquet for a crown: and he was with difficulty persuaded to accept the

invitation. This contest ended in less than an hour to my inexpressible

affliction, who lost every shilling of my own money, Strap absolutely

refusing to supply me with a sixpence.

The gentleman at whose request we had come in, perceiving by my

disconsolate looks the situation of my heart, which well nigh burst

with grief and resentment, when the other stranger got up, and went

away with my money, began in this manner:—“I am truly afflicted at your

bad luck, and would willingly repair it, were it in my power. But what

in the name of goodness could provoke you to tempt your fate so long?

It is always a maxim with gamesters to pursue success as far us it will

go, and to stop whenever fortune shifts about. You are a young man, and

your passions are too impetuous; you must learn to govern them better.

However, there is no experience like that which is bought; you will be

the better for this the longest day you have to live. As for the fellow

who has got your money, I don’t half like him. Did not you see me tip

you the wink to leave off in time?” I answered, “No.” “No,” continued

he; “you was too eager to mind anything but the game. But, harkee,”

said he in a whisper, “are you satisfied of that young man’s honesty?

His looks are a little suspicious—but I may be mistaken; he made a

great many grimaces while he stood behind you, this is a very wicked

town.” I told him I was very well convinced of my comrade’s integrity

and, that the grimaces he mentioned were doubtless owing to his anxiety

of my loss. “Oh ho! if that be the case, I ask his pardon. Landlord,

see what’s to pay.” The reckoning amounted to eighteenpence, which,

having discharged, the gentleman shook us both by the hand, and, saying

he should be very glad to see us again, departed.

CHAPTER XV

Strap moralises—presents his purse to me—we inform our landlord of our

misfortune—he unravels the mystery—I present myself to Cringer—he

recommends and turns me over to Mr. Staytape—I become acquainted with a

fellow dependent, who explains the character of Cringer and

Staytape—and informs me of the method to be pursued at the Navy Office

and Surgeons’ Hall—Strap is employed

In our way to our lodging, after a profound silence on both sides,

Strap, with a hideous groan, observed that we had brought our pigs to a

fine market. To this observation I made no reply, and he went on: “God

send us well out of this place; we have not been in London eight and

forty hours, and I believe we have met with eight and forty thousand

misfortunes. We have been jeered, reproached, buffeted, and at last

stript of our money; and I suppose by and bye we shall be stript of our

skins. Indeed as to the money part of it, that was owing to our own

folly.—Solomon says, ‘Bray a fool in a mortar, and he will never be

wise.’ Ah! God help us, an ounce of prudence is worth a pound of gold.”

This was no time for him to tamper with my disposition, already mad

with my loss, and inflamed with resentment against him for having

refused me a little money to attempt to retrieve it. I therefore turned

towards him with a stern countenance, and asked, who he called fool?

Being altogether unaccustomed to such looks from me, he stood still,

and stared in my face for some time; then, with some confusion,

uttered, “Fool! I called nobody fool but myself; I am sure I am the

greatest fool of the two, for being so much concerned at other people’s

misfortunes; but ‘Nemo omnibus horis sapit’—that’s all, that’s all.”

Upon which a silence ensued, which brought us to our lodging, where I

threw myself upon the bed in an agony of despair, resolved to perish

rather than apply to my companion, or any other body, for relief; but

Strap, who knew my temper, and whose heart bled within him for my

distress, after some pause came to the bedside, and, putting a leathern

purse into my hand, burst into tears, crying, “I know what you think,

but I scorn your thought. There’s all I have in the world, take it, and

I’ll perhaps get more for you before that be done. If not, I’ll beg for

you, steal for you, go through the wide world with you, and stay with

you; for though I be a poor cobbler’s son, I am no scout.” I was so

much touched with the generous passion of this poor creature, that I

could not refrain from weeping also, and we mingled our tears together

for some time. Upon examining the purse, I found in it two half-guineas

and half-a-crown, which I would have returned to him, saying, he knew

better than I how to manage it, but he, absolutely refused my proposal

and told me it was more reasonable and decent that he should depend

upon me, who was a gentleman, than that I should be controlled by him.

After this friendly contest was over, and our minds more at ease, we

informed our landlord of what had happened to us, taking care to

conceal the extremity to which we were reduced. He no sooner heard the

story, than he assured us we had been grievously imposed upon by a

couple of sharpers, who were associates; and that this polite, honest,

friendly, humane person, who had treated us so civilly, was no other

than a rascally money-dropper, who made it his business to decoy

strangers in that manner to one of his own haunts, where an accomplice

or two were always waiting to assist in pillaging the prey he had run

down. Here the good man recounted a great many stories of people who

has been seduced, cheated, pilfered, beat—nay, even murdered by such

villains. I was confounded at the artifice and wickedness of mankind;

and Strap, lifting up his eyes and hands to heaven, prayed that God

would deliver him from such scenes of iniquity, for surely the devil

had set up his throne in London. Our landlord being curious to know

what reception we had met with at Mr. Cringer’s, we acquainted him with

the particulars, at which he shook his head, and told us we had not

gone the right way to work; that there was nothing to be done with a

member of parliament without a bribe; that the servant was commonly

infected with the master’s disease, and expected to be paid for his

work, as well as his betters. He therefore advised me to give the

footman a shilling the next time I should desire admittance to my

patron, or else I should scarce find an opportunity to deliver my

letter. Accordingly, next morning, when the door was opened, I slipped

a shilling into his hand, and told him I had a letter for his master. I

found the good effect of my liberality; for the fellow let me in

immediately, and, taking the letter out of my hand, desired me to wait

in a kind of passage for an answer. In this place I continued standing

for three-quarters-of-an-hour, during which time I saw a great many

young fellows whom I formerly knew in Scotland pass and repass, with an

air of familiarity, in their way to and from the audience-chamber;

while I was fain to stand shivering in the cold, and turn my back to

them that they might not perceive the lowness of my condition. At

length, Mr. Cringer came out to see a young gentleman to the door, who

was no other than Squire Gawky, dressed in a very gay suit of clothes;

at parting Mr. Cringer shook him by the hand and told him he hoped to

have the pleasure of his company at dinner. Then turning about towards

me, asked what were my commands? When he understood I was the person

who had brought the letter from Mr. Crab, he affected to recollect my

name, which, however, he pretended he could not do till he had

consulted the letter again; to save him the trouble, I told him my name

was Random. Upon which he went on, “Ay, ay, Random, Random, Random—I

think I remember the name:” and very well he might, for this very

individual, Mr. Cringer, had many a time rode before my grandfather’s

cloak-bag, in quality of a footman. “Well,” says he, “you propose to go

on board a man-of-war as surgeon’s mate.” I replied by a low bow. “I

believe it will be a difficult matter,” continued he, “to procure a

warrant, there being already such a swarm of Scotch surgeons at the

Navy Office, in expectation of the next vacancy, that the commissioners

are afraid of being torn to pieces, and have actually applied for a

guard to protect them. However, some ships will soon be put in

commission, and then we shall see what’s to be done.” So saying, he

left me, exceedingly mortified at the different reception Mr. Gawky and

I had met with from this upstart, proud, mean member, who, I imagined,

would have been glad of an opportunity to be grateful for the

obligations he owed to my family.

At my return, I was surprised with the agreeable news of Strap’s being

employed, on the recommendation of his friend, the schoolmaster, by a

periwig-maker in the neighbourhood, who allowed him five shillings per

week besides bed and board. I continued to dance attendance every other

morning at the levee of Mr. Cringer, during a fortnight; in which time

I became acquainted with a young fellow of my own country and

profession, who also depended on the member’s interest, but was treated

with much more respect than I, both by the servants and master, and

often admitted into a parlour, where there was a fire for the

convenience of the better sort of those who waited for him. Thither I

was never permitted to penetrate, on account of my appearance, which

was not at all fashionable; but was obliged to stand blowing my fingers

in a cold lobby, and take the first opportunity of Mr. Cringer’s going

to the door to speak with him.

One day, while I enjoyed this occasion a person was introduced, whom

Mr. Cringer no sooner saw, than, running towards him, he saluted him

with a low bow to the very ground, and afterwards shaking him by the

hand with great heartiness and familiarity, called him his good friend,

and asked very kindly after Mrs. Staytape and the young ladies; then,

after a whisper, which continued some minutes, wherein I overheard the

word ‘honour’ repeated several times with great emphasis, Mr. Cringer

introduced me to this gentleman, as to a person whose advice and

assistance I might depend upon; and having given me his direction,

followed me to the door, where he told me I need not give myself the

trouble to call at his house any more, for Mr. Staytape would do my

business. At that instant my fellow-dependent, coming out after me,

overheard the discourse of Mr. Cringer, and, making up to me in the

street, accosted me very civilly: this address I looked upon as no

small honour, considering the figure he made, for he was dressed in a

blue frock with a button, a green silk waistcoat, trimmed with gold,

black velvet breeches, white silk stockings, silver buckles, a

gold-laced hat, a spencer-wig, and a silver-hilted hanger, with a fine

clouded can in his hand. “I perceive,” says he, “you are but lately

come from Scotland; pray what may your business with Mr. Cringer be? I

suppose it is no secret and I may possibly give you some advice that

will be serviceable, for I have been surgeon’s second mate on board of

a seventy-gun ship, and consequently know a good deal of the world.”

I made no scruple to disclose my situation, which, when he had learned,

he shook his head, and told me he had been pretty much, in the same

circumstances about a year ago: that he had relied on Cringer’s

promises, until his money (which was considerable) as well as his

credit, was quite exhausted; and when he wrote to his relations for a

fresh supply, instead of money he received nothing but reproaches, and

the epithets of idle, debauched fellow. That after he had waited at the

Navy Office many months for a warrant to no purpose, he was fain to

pawn some of his clothes, which raised a small sum wherewith he bribed

the secretary, who soon procured a warrant for him, notwithstanding he

had affirmed the same day, that there was not one vacancy. That he had

gone on board, where he remained nine months, at the end of which the

ship was put out of commission, and he said the company were to be paid

off in Broad Street the very next day. That relations being reconciled

to him, had charged him to pay his devoirs regularly to Mr. Cringer,

who had informed them by letter that his interest alone had procured

the warrant; in obedience to which command he came to his levee every

morning; as I saw, though he looked upon him to be a very pitiful

scoundrel. In conclusion, he asked me if I had yet passed at Surgeons’

Hall? To which question I answered, I did not so much as know it was

necessary. “Necessary:” cried he, “Oh then I find I must instruct you:

come along with me, and I’ll give you information about that matter.”

So saying, he carried me into an ale-house, where I called for some

beer, and bread and cheese, on which we breakfasted. While we sat in

this place, he told me I must first go to the Navy Office, and write to

the Board, desiring them to order a letter for me to Surgeon’s Hall,

that I might be examined, touching my skill in surgery. That the

surgeons, after having examined me, would give me my qualification

sealed up in form of a letter directed to the commissioners, which

qualification I must deliver to the secretary of the Board, who would

open it in my presence, and read the contents; after which I must

employ my interest to be provided for as soon as possible. That the

expense of his qualification for second mate of a third-rate, amounted

to thirteen shillings, exclusive of the warrant, which cost him

half-a-guinea and half-a-crown, besides a present to the secretary,

which consisted of a three-pound twelve piece. This calculation was

like a thunderbolt to me, whose whole fortune did not amount to twelve

shillings. I accordingly made him acquainted with this part of my

distress, after having thanked him for his information and advice. He

condoled me on this occasion; but bade me be of good cheer, for he had

conceived a friendship for me, and would make all things easy. He was

ran out at present, but to-morrow or next day, he was certain of

receiving a considerable sum; of which he would lend me what would be

sufficient to answer my exigencies. This frank declaration pleased me

so much, that I pulled out my purse, and emptied it before him, begging

him to take what he pleased for pocket-expense, until he should receive

his own money. With a good deal of pressing, he was prevailed upon to

take five shillings telling me that he might have what money he wanted

at any time for the trouble of going into the city; but as he had met

with me, he would defer his going thither till tomorrow, when I should

go along with him, and he would put me in the way of acting for myself,

without a servile dependence on that rascal Cringer, much less on the

tailor to whom he heard him turn me over. “How!” cried I, “is Mr.

Staytape a tailor.” “No less, I assure you,” answered he, “and, I

confess, more likely to serve you than the member; for, provided you

can entertain him with politics and conundrums, you may have credit

with him for as many and as rich clothes as you please.” I told him, I

was utterly ignorant of both, and so incensed at Cringer’s usage, that

I would never set foot within his door again.

After a good deal more conversation, my new acquaintance and I parted,

having made an appointment to meet next day at the same place; in order

to set out for the city. I went immediately to Strap and related

everything which had happened, but he did not at all approve of my

being so forward to lend money to a stranger, especially as we had

already been so much imposed upon by appearances. “However,” said he,

“if you are sure he is a Scotchman, I believe you are safe.”

CHAPTER XVI

My new acquaintance breaks an appointment—I proceed, by myself, to the

Navy Office—address me to a person there, who assists me with

advice—write to the Board, they grant me a letter to the Surgeons at

the Hall—am informed of the beau’s name and character—find him—he makes

me his confidant in an amour—desires me to pawn my linen for his

occasions—recover what I lent him—some curious observations on Strap on

that occasion—his vanity.

In the morning I rose and went to the place of rendezvous, where I

waited two hours in vain, and was so exasperated against him for

breaking his appointment, that I set out for the city by myself, in

hope of finding the villain, and being revenged on him for his breach

of promise. At length I found myself at the Navy Office, which I

entered, and saw crowds of young fellows walking below, many of whom

made no better appearance than myself. I consulted the physiognomy of

each, and at last made up to one whose countenance I liked, and asked,

if he could instruct me in the form of the letter which was to be sent

to the Board to obtain an order for examination? He answered me in

broad Scotch, that he would show me the copy of what he had writ for

himself, by direction of another who know the form, and accordingly

pulled it out of his pocket for my perusal; and told me that, if I was

expeditious, I might send it into the Board before dinner, for they did

no business in the afternoon. He then went with me to coffee-house hard

by, where I wrote the letter, which was immediately delivered to the

messenger, who told me I might expect an order to-morrow about the same

time.

Having transacted this piece of business, my mind was a good deal

composed; and as I had met with so much civility from the stranger, I

desired further acquaintance with him, fully resolved, however, not to

be deceived by him so much to my prejudice as I had been by the beau.

He agreed to dine with me at the cook’s shop which I frequented; and on

our way thither carried me to ’Change, where I was in hopes of finding

Mr. Jackson (for that was the name of the person who had broke his

appointment), I sought him there to no purpose, and on our way towards

the other end of the town imparted to my companion his behaviour

towards me; upon which he gave me to understand, that he was no

stranger to the name of Bean Jackson (so he was called at the Navy

Office), although he did not know him personally; that he had the

character of a good-natured careless fellow, who made no scruple of

borrowing from any that would lend; that most people who knew him

believed he had a good principle at bottom, but his extravagance was

such, he would probably never have it in his power to manifest the

honesty of his intention. This made me sweat for my five shillings,

which I nevertheless did not altogether despair of recovering, provided

I could find out the debtor.

This young man likewise added another circumstance of Squire Jackson’s

history, which was, that being destitute of all means to equip himself

for sea, when he received his last warrant, he had been recommended to

a person who lent him a little money, after he had signed a will

entitling that person to lift his wages when they should become due, as

also to inherit his effects in case of his death. That he was still

under the tutorage and direction of that gentleman, who advanced him

small sums from time to time upon this security, at the rate of fifty

per cent. But at present his credit was very low, because his funds

would do little more than pay what he had already received, this

moderate interest included. After the stranger (whose name was

Thompson) had entertained me with this account of Jackson, he informed

me that he himself had passed for third mate of a third-rate, about

four months ago; since which time he had constantly attended at the

Navy Office, in hope of a warrant, having been assured from the

beginning, both by a Scotch member, and one of the commissioners to

whom the member recommended him, that he should be put into the first

vacancy; notwithstanding which promise, he had the mortification to see

six or seven appointed in the same station almost every week—that now

being utterly impoverished, his sole hope consisted in the promise of a

friend lately come to town, to lend him a small matter, for a present

to the secretary; without which he was persuaded he might wait a

thousand years to no purpose. I conceived a mighty liking for this

young fellow, which (I believe) proceeded from the similitude of our

fortunes. We spent the whole day together; and as he lived at Wapping I

desired him to take a share of my bed.

Next day we returned to the Navy Office, where, after being called

before the Board, and questioned about the place of my nativity and

education, they ordered a letter to be made out for me, which, upon

paying half-a-crown to the clerk, I received, and delivered into the

hands of the clerk at Surgeons’ Hall, together with a shilling for his

trouble in registering my name. By this time my whole stock was

diminished to two shillings, and I saw not the least prospect of

relief, even for present subsistence, much less to enable me to pay the

fees at Surgeons’ Hall for my examination, which would come on in a

fortnight. In this state of perplexity, I consulted Strap, who assured

me he would pawn everything he had in the world, even to his razors,

before I should want: but this expedient I absolutely rejected, telling

him, I would a thousand times rather list for a soldier, of which I had

some thoughts, than be any longer a burden to him. At the word soldier,

he grew pale as death, and begged on his knees I would think no more of

that scheme. “God preserve us all in our right wits!” cried he, “would

you turn soldier, and perhaps be sent abroad against the Spaniards,

where you must stand and be shot at like a woodcock? Heaven keep cold

lead out of my carcase, and let me die in a bed like a Christian, as

all my forefathers have done. What signifies all earthly riches and

honour, if one enjoys not content? and, hereafter, there is no respect

of persons. Better be a poor honest barber with a good conscience, and

time to repent of my sins upon my death-bed, than be cut off (God bless

us!) by a musket-shot, as it were in the very flower of one’s age, in

the pursuit of riches and fame. What signify riches, my dear friend? do

they not make unto themselves wings and fly away? as the wise man

saith. I could also mention many other sayings in contempt of riches,

both from the Bible and other good books; but I know you are not very

fond of those things, I shall only assure you, that if you take on to

be a soldier, I will do the same; and then if we should both be slain,

you will not only have your own blood to answer for, but mine also: and

peradventure the lives of all those whom we shall kill in battle.

Therefore I pray you, consider whether you will sit down contented with

small things and share the fruits of my industry in peace, till

Providence shall send better tidings; or, by your despair, plunge both

our souls and bodies into everlasting perdition, which God of his

infinite mercy forbid!” I could not help smiling at this harangue,

which was delivered with great earnestness, the tears standing in his

eyes all the time, and promised to do nothing of that sort without his

consent and concurrence. He was much comforted with this declaration;

and told me in a few days he should receive a week’s wages, which

should be at my service, but advised me in the meantime to go in quest

of Jackson, and recover, if possible, what he had borrowed of me. I

accordingly trudged about from one end of the town to the other, for

several days, without being able to learn anything certain concerning

him: and, one day being extremely hungry, and allured by the steams

that regaled my nostrils from a boiling cellar, I went down with an

intention to gratify my appetite with a twopennyworth of beef; when to

my no small surprise found Mr. Jackson sitting at dinner with a

footman. He no sooner perceived me than he got up and shook me by the

hands saying, he was glad to see me, for he intended to have called at

my lodgings in the afternoon. I was so well pleased at this rencounter

and the apologies he made for not keeping his appointment, that I

forgot my resentment, and sat down to dinner, with the happy

expectation of not only recovering my own money before we should part,

but also of reaping the benefit of his promise to lend me wherewithal

to pass examination; and this hope my sanguine complexion suggested,

though the account Thompson gave me of him ought to have moderated my

expectation.

When we had feasted sumptuously, he took his leave of the footman, and

adjourned with me to an ale-house hard by, where, after shaking me by

the hand again, he began thus: “I suppose you think me a sad dog, Mr.

Random, and I do confess that appearances are against me. But I dare

say you will forgive me when I tell you, my not coming at the time

appointed was owing to a peremptory message I received from a certain

lady, whom, harkee! (but this is a great secret) I am to marry very

soon. You think this strange, perhaps, but it is not less true for all

that—a five thousand pounder, I’ll assure you, besides expectations.

For my own part, devil take me if I know what any woman can see

engaging about me—but a whim, you know—and then one would not balk

one’s good fortune. You saw that footman who dined with us—he’s one of

the honestest fellows that ever wore livery. You must know it was by

his means I was introduced to her, for he made me first acquainted with

her woman, who is his mistress—ay, many a crown has he and his

sweetheart had of my money—but what of that? things are now brought to

a bearing. I have—(come a little this way) I have proposed marriage,

and the day is fixed—she’s a charming creature, and writes like an

angel! She can repeat all the English tragedies as well as ever a

player in Drury Lane!-and, indeed, is so fond of plays, that to be near

the stage she has taken lodgings in a court hard by the theatre; but

you shall see—you shall see—here’s the last letter she sent me.” With

these words, he put it into my hand, and I read (to the best of my

remembrance) as follows:

‘Dear Kreeter—As you are the animable hopjack of my contemplayshins,

your aydear is infernally skimming before my keymerycal fansee, when

Murfy sends his puppies to the heys of slipping mortals; and when Febus

shines from his merry dying throne; whereupon I shall canseif old time

has lost his pinners, as also cubit his harrows, until thou enjoy sweet

propose in the loafseek harms of thy very faithfool to commend,

Clayrender

Wingar Yard, Drury Lane,

January 12th.’

While I was reading, he seemed to be in an ecstasy, rubbing his hands,

and bursting out into fits of laughter; at last he caught hold of my

hand, and squeezing it, cried, “There—a style for you! What do you

think of this billet-doux?” I answered, “It might be sublime for aught I

knew, for it was altogether above my comprehension.” “Oh, ho!” said he,

“I believe it is—both tender and sublime; she’s a divine creature! and

so doats upon me! Let me see—what shall I do with this money, when I

have once got it into my hands? In the first place, I shall do for you.

I’m a man of few words—-but say no more that’s determined; whether

would you advise me, to purchase some post, by which I may rise in the

state, or lay out my wife’s fortune in land, and retire to the country

at once?” I gave my opinion without hesitation, that he could not do

better than buy an estate and improve; especially since he had already

seen so much of the world. Then I launched out into the praises of a

country life, as described by the poets whose works I had read. He

seemed to relish my advice, but withal told me, that although he had

seen a great deal of the world both at land and sea, having cruised

three whole months in the Channel, yet he should not be satisfied until

he had visited France, which he proposed to do before he should settle;

and to carry his wife along with him. I had nothing to object to his

proposal; and asked how soon he hoped to be happy. “As to that,” he

replied, “nothing obstructs my happiness but the want of a little ready

cash; for you must know, my friend in the city has gone out of town for

a week or two, but I unfortunately missed my pay at Broad Street, by

being detained too long by the dear charmer—but there will be a recall

at Chatham next week, whither the ship’s books are sent, and I have

commissioned a friend in that place to receive the money.” “If that be

all,” said I, “there’s no great harm in deferring your marriage a few

days.” “Yes, faith, but there is,” said he; “you don’t know how many

rivals I have, who would take all advantages against me. I would not

balk the impatience of her passion for the world—the least appearance

of coldness or indifference would ruin all; and such offers don’t occur

every day.”

I acquiesced in this observation, and inquired how he intended to

proceed. At this question he rubbed his chin, and said, “Why, truly, I

must be obliged to some friend or other—do you know nobody that would

lend me a small sum for a day or two?” I assured him, I was such an

utter stranger in London, that I did not believe I could borrow a

guinea if my life depended upon it. “No!” said he, “that’s hard—that’s

hard! I wish I had anything to pawn—upon my soul, you have got

excellent linen (feeling the sleeve of my shirt); how many shirts of

that kind have you got?” I answered, “Six ruffled, and six plain.” At

which he testified great surprise, and declared that no gentleman ought

to have more than four. “How many d’ye think I have got?” continued he;

“but this and another, as I hope to be saved! and I dare say we shall

be able to raise a good sum out of your superfluity: let me see—let me

see—each of these shirts is worth sixteen shillings at a moderate

computation—now, suppose we pawn them for half-price—eight times eight

is sixty-four, that’s three pounds four; that will do—give me your

hand.” “Softly, softly, Mr. Jackson,” said I; “don’t dispose of my

linen without my consent: first pay me the crown you owe me, and then

we shall talk of other matters.” He protested that he had not above one

shilling in his pocket, but that he would pay me out of the first of

the money raised from the shirts. This piece of assurance incensed me

so much that I swore I would not part with him until I had received

satisfaction for what I had lent him; and as for the shirts, I would

not pawn one of them to save him from the gallows.

At this expression he laughed aloud, and then complained it was very

hard that I should refuse him a trifle that would infallibly enable him

not only to make his own fortune but mine also. “You talk of pawning my

shirts,” said I; “suppose you should sell this hanger, Mr. Jackson. I

believe it would fetch a good round sum.” “No, hang it!” said he, “I

can’t appear decently without my hanger, lest it should go.” However,

seeing me inflexible with regard to my linen, he at length unbuckled

his hanger, and, showing me the three blue balls, desired me to carry

it thither and pawn it for two guineas. This office I would by no means

have performed, had I seen any likelihood of having my money otherwise;

but not willing, out of a piece of false delicacy, to neglect the only

opportunity I should perhaps ever have, I ventured into a pawnbroker’s

shop, where I demanded two guineas on the pledge, in the name of Thomas

Williams. “Two guineas!” said the pawnbroker, looking at the hanger;

“this piece of goods has been here several times before for thirty

shillings: however, since I believe the gentleman to whom it belongs

will redeem it, he shall have what he wants;” and accordingly he paid me

the money, which I carried to the house where I had left Jackson; and,

calling for change, counted out to him seven and thirty shillings,

reserving the other five for myself. After looking at the money some

time, he said, “Well! it don’t signify—this won’t do my business; so

you may as well take half-a-guinea, or a whole one, as the five

shillings you have kept.” I thanked him kindly, but refused to accept

of any more than was my due, because I had no prospect of repaying it.

Upon which declaration, he stared in my face, and told me, I was

excessively raw or I would not talk in that manner. “Upon my word,”

cried he, “I have a very bad opinion of a young fellow who won’t borrow

of his friend when he is in want—’tis the sign of a sneaking spirit.

Come, come, Random, give me back the five shillings, and take this

half-guinea, and if ever you are able to pay me, I believe you will: if

not, I shall never ask it.”

When I reflected upon my present necessity, I suffered myself to be

persuaded, and after making my acknowledgments to Mr. Jackson, who

offered to treat me with a play, I returned to my lodgings with a much

better opinion of this gentleman than I had in the morning; and at

night imparted my day’s adventure to Strap, who rejoiced at my good

luck, saying, “I told you if he was a Scotchman you was safe enough—and

who knows but this marriage may make us all. You have heard, I suppose,

as how a countryman of ours, a journeyman baker, ran away with a great

lady of this town, and now keeps his coach. I say nothing; but

yesterday morning as I was shaving a gentleman at his own house, there

was a young lady in the room, and she threw so many sheep’s eyes at a

certain person whom I shall not name, that my heart went knock, knock,

knock, like a fulling mill, and my hand sh-sh-shook so much that I

sliced a piece of skin off the gentleman’s nose; whereby he uttered a

deadly oath, and was going to horsewhip me, when she prevented him, and

made my peace. Is not a journeyman barber as good as a journeyman

baker? The only difference is, the baker uses flour for the belly, and

the barber rises it for the head: and as the head is a more noble

member than the belly, so is a barber more noble than a baker—for

what’s the belly without the head? Besides, I am told, he could neither

read nor write; now you know I can do both, and moreover, speak

Latin—but I will say no more, for I despise vanity—nothing is more vain

than vanity.” With these words, he pulled out of his pocket a

wax-candle’s end, which he applied to his forehead; and upon

examination, I found had combed his own hair over the toupee of his

wig, and was, indeed, in his whole dress, become a very smart shaver. I

congratulated him on his prospect with a satirical smile, which he

understood very well; and, shaking his head, observed, I had very

little faith, but the truth would come to light in spite of my

incredulity.

CHAPTER XVII

I go to Surgeons’ Hall, when I meet Mr. Jackson—am examined—a fierce

dispute arises between two of the examiners—Jackson disguises himself

to attract respect—irises himself to attract respect—is detected—in

hazard of being sent to Bridewell—he treats us at a Tavern—carries us

to a Night-house—A troublesome adventure there—we are committed to the

Round-house—carried before a Justice—his behaviour

With the assistance of this faithful adherent, who gave me almost all

the money he earned, I preserved my half-guinea entire till the day of

examination, when I went with a quaking heart to Surgeons’ Hall, in

order to undergo that ceremony. Among a crowd of young fellows who

walked in the outward hall, I perceived Mr. Jackson, to whom I

immediately went up; and, inquiring into the state of his love affair,

understood it was still undetermined, by reason of his friend’s

absence, and the delay of the recall at Chatham, which put it out of

his power to bring it to a conclusion. I then asked what his business

was in this place; he replied, he was resolved to have two strings to

his bow, that in case the one failed, he might use the other; and, with

this view, he was to pass that night for a higher qualification. At

that instant, a young fellow came out from the place of examination,

with a pale countenance, his lip quivering, and his looks as wild as if

he had seen a ghost. He no sooner appeared, than we all flocked about

him with the utmost eagerness to know what reception he had met with;

which, after some pause, he described, recounting all the questions

they had asked, with the answers he made. In this manner we obliged no

less than twelve to recapitulate, which, now the danger was past, they

did with pleasure, before it fell to my lot: at length the beadle

called my name, with a voice that made me tremble. However, there was

no remedy. I was conducted into a large hall, where I saw about a dozen

of grim faces sitting at a long table: one of whom bade me come

forward, in such an imperious tone, that I was actually for a minute or

two bereft of my senses. The first question he put to me was, “Where

was you born?” To which I answered, “In Scotland.” “In Scotland,” said

he; “I know that very well—we have scarce any other countrymen to

examine here—you Scotchmen have overspread us of late as the locusts

did Egypt. I ask you in what part of Scotland was you born?” I named

the place of my nativity, which he had never heard of; he then

proceeded to interrogate me about my age, the town where I served my

time, with the term of my apprenticeship; and when I informed him that

I served three years only, he fell into a violent passion, swore it was

a shame and a scandal to send such raw boys into the world as surgeons;

that it was great presumption in me, and an affront upon the English,

to pretend sufficient skill in my business, having served so short a

time, when every apprentice in England was bound seven years at least:

that my friends would have done better if they had made me a weaver or

shoemaker; but their pride would have me a gentleman, he supposed, at

any rate, and their poverty could not afford the necessary education.

This exordium did not at all contribute to the recovery of my spirits;

but on the contrary, reduced me to such a situation that I was scarcely

able to stand; which being perceived by a plump gentleman who sat

opposite to me with a skull before him, he said, Mr. Snarler was too

severe upon the young man; and, turning towards me, told me I need not

be afraid, for nobody would do me any harm: then, bidding me take time

to recollect myself, he examined me, touching the operation of the

trepan, and was very well satisfied with my answers. The next person

who questioned me was a wag, who began by asking if I had ever seen

amputation performed; and I replying in the affirmative, he shook his

head and said, “What! upon a dead subject, I suppose?” “If,” continued

he, “during an engagement at sea, a man should be brought to you with

his head shot off, how would you behave?” After some hesitation, I

owned such a case had never come under my observation, neither did I

remember to have seen any method of care proposed for such an accident,

in any of the systems of surgery I had perused.

Whether it was owing to the simplicity of my answer, or the archness of

the question, I know not, but every member at the board deigned to

smile, except Mr. Snarler, who seemed to have very little of the

‘animal risible’ in his constitution. The facetious member, encouraged

by the success of his last joke, went on thus: “Suppose you was called

to a patient of a plethoric habit, who has been bruised by a fall, what

would you do?” I answered, “I would bleed him immediately.” “What!”

said he, “before you had tied up his arm?” But this stroke of wit not

answering his expectation, he desired me to advance to the gentleman

who sat next him; and who, with a pert air, asked, what method of cure

I would follow in wounds of the intestines. I repeated the method of

care as it is prescribed by the best chirurgical writers, which he

heard to an end, and then said with a supercilious smile, “So you think

with such treatment the patient might recover?” I told him I saw

nothing to make me think otherwise. “That may be,” resumed he; “I won’t

answer for your foresight, but did you ever know a case of this kind

succeed?” I acknowledged I did not, and was about to tell him I had

never seen a wounded intestine; but he stopt me, by saying, with some

precipitation, “Nor never will! I affirm that all wounds of the

intestines, whether great or small, are mortal.” “Pardon me, brother,”

says the fat gentleman, “there is very good authority—” Here he was

interrupted by the other with—“Sir, excuse me, I despise all

authority—Nullius in verbo—I stand on my own bottom.” “But sir, sir,”

replied his antagonist, “the reason of the thing shows—” “A fig for

reason,” cries this sufficient member; “I laugh at reason; give me

ocular demonstratio.” The corpulent gentleman began to wax warm, and

observed, that no man acquainted with the anatomy of the parts would

advance such an extravagant assertion. This inuendo enraged the other

so much, that he started up, and in a furious tone exclaimed: “What,

Sir! do you question my knowledge in anatomy?”

By this time, all the examiners had espoused the opinion of one or

other of the disputants, and raised their voices altogether, when the

chairman commanded silence, and ordered me to withdraw. In less than a

quarter of an hour, I was called in again, received my qualification

scaled up, and was ordered to pay five shillings. I laid down my

half-guinea upon the table, and stood some time, until one of them bade

me begone; to this I replied, “I will when I have got my change:” upon

which another threw me five shillings and sixpence, saying, I should

not be a true Scotchman if I went away without my change. I was

afterwards obliged to give three shillings and sixpence to the beadles,

and a shilling to an old woman who swept the hall: this disbursement

sank my finances to thirteen-pence halfpenny, with which I was sneaking

off, when Jackson, perceiving it, came up to me, and begged I would

tarry for him, and he would accompany me to the other end of the town,

as soon as his examination should be over. I could not refuse this to a

person that was so much my friend; but I was astonished at the change

of his dress which was varied in half-an-hour from what I have already

described to a very grotesque fashion. His head was covered with an old

smoke tie-wig that did not boast one crooked hair, and a slouched hat

over it, which would have very well become a chimney-sweeper, or a

dustman; his neck was adorned with a black crape, the ends of which he

had twisted, and fixed in the button-hole of a shabby greatcoat that

wrapped up his whole body; his white silk stockings were converted into

black worsted hose: and his countenance was rendered venerable by

wrinkles, and a beard of his own painting. When I expressed my surprise

at this metamorphosis, he laughed, and told me it was done by the

advice and assistance of a friend, who lived over the way, and would

certainly produce something very much to his advantage; for it gave him

the appearance of age, which never fails of attracting respect. I

applauded his sagacity, and waited with impatience for the effects of

it. At length he was called in; but whether the oddness of his

appearance excited a curiosity more than small in the board, or his

behaviour was not suitable to his figure, I know not, he was discovered

to be an imposter, and put into the hands of the beadle in order to be

sent to Bridewell. So that instead of seeing him come out with a

cheerful countenance, and a surgeon’s qualification in his hand, I

perceived him led through the outer hall as a prisoner; and was very

much alarmed, and anxious to know the occasion; when he called with a

lamentable voice, and a piteous aspect to me, and some others who know

him, “For God’s sake, gentlemen bear witness that I am the same

individual John Jackson who served as surgeon’s second mate on board

the Elizabeth, or else I shall go to Bridewell!”

It would have been impossible for the most austere hermit that ever

lived to have refrained from laughing at his appearance and address: we

therefore indulged ourselves a good while at his expense, and

afterwards pleaded his cause so effectually with the beadle who was

gratified with half-a-crown, that the prisoner was dismissed, and in a

few moments renewed his former gaiety—swearing, since the board had

refused his money, he would spend every shilling before he went to bed,

in treating his friends; at the same time inviting us all to favour him

with our company. It was now ten o’clock at night, and, as I had a

great way to walk through streets that were utterly unknown to me, I

was prevailed on to be of their party, in hopes he would afterwards

accompany me to my lodgings, according to his promise. He conducted me

to his friend’s house, who kept a tavern over the way where we

continued drinking punch, until the liquor mounted up to our heads, and

made us all extremely frolicsome. I, in particular, was so much

elevated, that nothing would serve me but a wench; at which demand

Jackson expressed much joy, and assured me I should have my desire.

before we parted Accordingly, when he had paid the reckoning, we

sallied out, roaring and singing; and were conducted by our leader to a

place of nocturnal entertainment, where Mr. Jackson’s dress attracted

the assiduities of two or three nymphs, who loaded him with caresses,

in return for the arrack punch with which he treated them, till at

length sleep began to exert his power over us all, and our conductor

called “To pay.” When the bill was brought, which amounted to twelve

shillings, he put his hand in his pocket, but might have saved himself

the trouble, for his purse was gone. This accident disconcerted him a

good deal at first; but after some recollection, he seized the two

ladies who sat by him, one in each hand, and swore if they did not

immediately restore his money he would charge a constable with them.

The good lady at the bar, seeing what passed, whispered something to

the drawer, who went out; and then with great composure, asked what was

the matter? Jackson told her he was robbed, and swore if she refused

him satisfaction, he would have her and her female friends committed to

Bridewell. “Robbed!” cried she, “robbed in my house! Gentlemen and

Ladies, I take you all to witness, this person has scandalised my

reputation.” At that instant, seeing the constable and watch enter, she

proceeded “What! you must not only endeavour by your false aspersions

to ruin my character, but even commit an assault upon my family! Mr.

Constable, I charge you with this uncivil person, who has been guilty

of a riot here; I shall take care and bring an action against him for

defamation.”

While I was reflecting on this melancholy event, which had made me

quite sober, one of the ladies, being piqued at some repartee that

passed between us, cried, “They are all concerned!” and desired the

constable to take us all into custody; an arrest which was performed

instantly, to the utter astonishment and despair of us all, except

Jackson, who having been often in such scrapes, was very little

concerned, and charged the constable, in his turn, with the landlady

and her whole bevy; upon which we were carried altogether prisoners to

the round-house, where Jackson after a word of comfort to us, informed

the constable of his being robbed, to which he said he would swear next

morning before the justice. In a little time the constable, calling

Jackson into another room, spoke to him thus: “I perceive that you and

your company are strangers, and am very sorry for your being involved

in such an ugly business. I have known this woman a great while; she

has kept a notorious house in the neighbourhood this many years; and

although often complained of as a nuisance, still escapes through her

interest with the justices, to whom she and all of her employment pay

contribution quarterly for protection. As she charged me with you

first, her complaint will have the preference, and she can procure

evidence to swear whatsoever she shall please to desire of them; so

that, unless you can make it up before morning, you and your companions

may think yourselves happily quit for a month’s hard labour in

Bridewell. Nay, if she should swear a robbery or an assault against

you, you will be committed to Newgate and tried at the next session at

the Old Bailey for your life.” This last piece of information had such

an effect upon Jackson, that he agreed to make it up, provided his

money might be restored. The constable told him, that, instead of

retrieving what he had lost, he was pretty certain it would cost him

some more before they could come to any composition. But, however, he

had compassion on him, and would, if he pleased, sound them about a

mutual release. The unfortunate beau thanked him for his friendship,

and returning to us, acquainted us with the substance of this dialogue;

while the constable, desiring to speak in private with our adversary,

carried her into the next room, and pleaded, our cause so effectually,

that she condescended to make him umpire: he accordingly proposed an

arbitration, to which we gave our assent; and he fined each party in

three shillings, to be laid out in a bowl of punch, wherein we drowned

all animosities, to the inexpressible joy of my two late acquaintances

and me, who had been extremely uneasy ever since Jackson mentioned

Bridewell and Newgate. By the time we had finished our bowl—to which,

by the bye, I had contributed my last shilling—it was morning, and I

proposed to move homeward, when the constable gave me to understand, he

could discharge no prisoners but by order of the justice, before whom

we must appear. This renewed my chagrin, and I cursed the hour in which

I had yielded to Jackson’s invitation.

About nine o’clock, we were escorted to the house of a certain justice

not many miles distant from Covent Garden, who no sooner saw the

constable enter with a train of prisoners at his heels, than he saluted

him as follows: “So Mr. Constable, you are a diligent man. What den of

rogues have you been scouring?” Then looking at us, who appeared very

much dejected, he continued: “Ay, ay, thieves. I see—old offenders; oh,

your humble servant, Mrs. Harridan! I suppose these fellows have been

taken robbing your house. Yes, yes, here’s an old acquaintance of mine.

You have used expedition,” said he to me, “in returning from

transportation; but we shall save you that trouble for the future—the

surgeons will fetch you from your next transportation, at their

expense.” I assured his worship he was mistaken in me, for he had never

seen me in his life before. To this declaration he replied, “How! you

impudent rascal, dare you say so to my face? Do you think I am to be

imposed upon by that northern accent, which you have assumed? But it

shan’t avail you—you shall find me too far north for you. Here, clerk,

write this fellow’s mittimus. His name is Patrick Gaghagan.” Here Mr.

Jackson interposed, and told him I was a Scotchman lately come to town,

descended of a good family, and that my name was Random. The justice

looked upon this assertion as an outrage upon his memory, on which he

valued himself exceedingly; and strutting up to Jackson, with a fierce

countenance, put his hands in his side, and said, “Who are you, sir? Do

you give me the lie? Take notice, gentlemen, here’s a fellow who

affronts me upon the bench but I’ll lay you fast, sirrah, I will—for

notwithstanding your laced jacket, I believe you are a notorious

felon.” My friend was so much abashed at this menace, which was

thundered out with great vociferation, that he changed colour, and

remained speechless. This confusion his worship took for a symptom of

guilt, and, to complete the discovery, continued his threats, “Now, I

am convinced you are a thief—your face discovers it, you tremble all

over, your conscience won’t lie still—you’ll be hanged, sirrah,”

raising his voice, “you’ll be hanged; and happy had it been for the

world, as well as for your own miserable soul, if you had been

detected, and cut off in the beginning of your career. Come hither,

clerk, and take this man’s confession.” I was in an agony of

consternation, when the constable, going into another room with his

worship, acquainted him with the truth of the story; which having

learned, he returned with a smiling countenance, and, addressing

himself to us all, said it was always his way to terrify young people

when they came before him, that his threats might make a strong

impression on their minds, and deter them from engaging in scenes of

riot and debauchery, which commonly ended before the judge. Thus,

having cloaked his own want of discernment under the disguise of

paternal care, we were dismissed, and I found myself as much lightened

as if a mountain had been lifted off my breast.

CHAPTER XVIII

I carry my qualification to the Navy Office—the nature of it—the

behaviour of the Secretary—Strap’s concern for my absence—a battle

betwixt him a blacksmith—the troublesome consequences of it—his

harangue to me—his friend the schoolmaster recommends me to a French

Apothecary, who entertains me as a journeyman

I would most willingly have gone home to sleep, but was told by my

companions, that we must deliver our letters of qualification at the

Navy office, before one o’clock. Accordingly, we went thither, and gave

them to the secretary, who opened and read them, and I was mightily

pleased to find myself qualified for second mate of a third-rate. When

he had stuck them all together on a file, one of our company asked if

there were any vacancies; to which interrogation he answered “No!” Then

I ventured to inquire if many ships were to be put in commission soon.

At which question he surveyed me with a look of ineffable contempt;

and, pushing us out of his office, locked the door without deigning us

another word. We went down stairs, and conferred together on our

expectations, when I understood that each of them had been recommended

to one or other of the commissioners, and each of them promised the

first vacancy that should fall; but that none of them relied solely

upon that interest, without a present to the secretary, with whom some

of the commissioners went snacks. For which reason, each of them had

provided a small purse; and I was asked what I proposed to give. This

was a vexatious question to me who (far from being in a capacity to

gratify a ravenous secretary) had not wherewithal to purchase a dinner.

I therefore answered, I had not yet determined what to give; and

sneaked off toward my own lodging, lamenting my fate all the way, and

inveighing with much bitterness against the barbarity of my

grandfather, and the sordid avarice of my relations, who left me a prey

to contempt and indigence.

Full of these disagreeable reflections, I arrived at the house where I

lodged, and relieved my landlord from great anxiety on my account; for

this honest man believed I had met with some dismal accident, and that

he never should see me again. Strap, who had come to visit me in the

morning, understanding I had been abroad all night, was almost

distracted, and after having obtained leave of his master, had gone in

quest of me, though he was even more ignorant of the town than I. Not

being willing to inform the landlord of my adventure, I told him I had

met an acquaintance at Surgeons’ Hall, with whom I spent the evening

and night; but being very much infested with bugs, I had not slept

much, and therefore intended to take a little repose; so saying, I went

to bed, and desired to be awakened if Strap should happen to come while

I should be asleep. I was accordingly roused by my friend himself, who

entered my chamber about three o’clock in the afternoon, and presented

a figure to my eyes that I could scarce believe real. In short, this

affectionate shaver, setting out towards Surgeons’ Hall, had inquired

for me there to no purpose: from whence he found his way to the Navy

Office, where he could hear no tidings of me, because I was unknown to

everybody then present; he afterwards went upon ’Change, in hopes of

seeing me upon the Scotch walk, but without success.

At last, being almost in despair of finding me, he resolved to ask

everybody he met in the street, if perchance anyone could give him

information about me! and actually put his resolution in practice, in

spite of the scoffs, curses, and reproaches with which he was answered;

until a blacksmith’s ’prentice seeing him stop a porter with a burden

on his back, and hearing his question, for which he received a hearty

curse, called to him, and asked if the person he inquired after was not

a Scotchman? Strap replied with great eagerness, “Yes, and had on a

brown coat, with long skirts.” “The same!” said the blacksmith. “I saw

him pass by an hour ago,” “Did you so?” cried Strap, rubbing his hands,

“Odd! I am very glad of that—which way went he?” “Towards Tyburn in a

cart,” said he, “if you make good speed, you may get thither time

enough to see him hanged.” This piece of wit incensed my friend to such

a degree, that he called the blacksmith scoundrel, and protested he

would fight him for half-a-farthing. “No, no!” said the other,

stripping; “I’ll have none of your money—you Scotchmen seldom carry

anything about you; but I’ll fight you for love.” There was a ring

immediately formed by the mob: and Strap, finding he could not get off

honourably without fighting, at the same time burning with resentment

against his adversary, quitted his clothes to the care of the

multitude, and the battle began with great violence on the side of

Strap, who in a few minutes exhausted his breath and spirits on his

patient antagonist, who sustained the assault with great coolness, till

finding the barber quite spent, he returned the blows he had lent him,

with such interest, that Strap, after having received three falls on

the hard stones, gave out, and allowed the blacksmith to be the better

man.

The victory being thus decided, it was proposed to adjourn to a cellar

hard by, and drink friends. But when my friend began to gather up his

clothes, he perceived that some honest person or other had made free

with his shirt, neckcloth, hat, and wig, which were carried off; and

probably his coat and waistcoat would have met with the same fate, had

they been worth stealing. It was in vain for him to make a noise, which

only yielded mirth to the spectators; he was fain to get off in this

manner, which he accomplished with much difficulty and appeared before

me all besmeared with blood and dirt. Notwithstanding this misfortune,

such was his transport at finding me safe and sound, that he had almost

stifled and stunk me to death with his embraces. After he had cleaned

himself, and put on one of my shirts, and a woollen nightcap, I

recounted to him the particulars of my night’s campaign, which filled

him with admiration, and made him repeat with great energy an

observation which was often in his mouth, namely, ‘that surely London

is the devil’s drawing-room.’ As neither of us had dined, he desired me

to get up, and the milkwoman coming round at that instant, he went

downstairs, and brought up a quart, with a penny loaf, on which we made

a comfortable meal. He then shared his money with me, which amounted to

eighteen-pence, and left me with an intention to borrow an old wig and

hat of his friend the schoolmaster.

He was no sooner gone, than I began to consider my situation with great

uneasiness, and revolved all the schemes my imagination could suggest,

in order to choose and pursue some one that would procure me bread; for

it is impossible to express the pangs I felt, when I reflected on the

miserable dependence in which I lived at the expense of a poor barber’s

boy. My pride took the alarm, and having no hopes of succeeding at the

Navy Office, I came to a resolution of enlisting in the foot-guards

next day, be the event what it would. This extravagant design, by

flattering my disposition, gave great satisfaction; and I was charging

the enemy at the head of my own regiment, when Strap’s return

interrupted my reverie. The schoolmaster had made him a present of the

tie-wig which he wore, when I was introduced to him, together with an

old hat, whose brims would have overshadowed a Colossus. Though Strap

had ventured to wear them in the dusk, he did not choose to entertain

the mob by day; therefore went to work immediately, and reduced them

both to a moderate size. While he was employed in this office, he

addressed me thus: “To be sure, Mr. Random, you are born a gentleman,

and have a great deal of learning—and, indeed, look like a gentleman;

for, as to person, you may hold up your head with the best of them. On

the other hand, I am a poor but honest cobbler’s son: my mother was as

industrious a woman as ever broke bread, till such time as she took to

drinking, which you very well know; but everybody has failings—Humanum

est errare. Now myself, I am a poor journeyman barber, tolerably well

made and understand some Latin, and have a smattering of Greek; but

what of that? Perhaps I might also say, that I know a little of the

world; but that is to no purpose,—though you be gentle, and I simple,

it does not follow, but that I who am simple may do a good office to

you who are gentle. Now this is the case: my kinsman, the

schoolmaster—perhaps you did not know how nearly he is related to

me—I’ll satisfy you in that presently; his mother and my grandmother’s

sister’s nephew—no, that’s not it!—my grandfather’s brother’s

daughter—rabbit it! I have forgot the degree. But this I know, he and I

are cousins seven times removed.” My impatience to know the good office

he had done me, got the better of my temper, and I interrupted him at

this place with the exclamation, “If the schoolmaster or you can be of

any advantage to me, why don’t you tell me without all this preamble?”

When I pronounced these words with some vehemence, Strap looked at me

for same time with a grave countenance, and then went on: “I’m very

sorry to see such an alteration in your temper of late; you were always

fiery, but now you are grown as crabbed as old Periwinkle the drunken

tinker, on whom you and I (God forgive us!) played so many unlucky

tricks while we were at school—but I will no longer detain you in

suspense, because (doubtless) nothing is more uneasy than doubt—Dubio

procul dubio nil dubius. My friend or relation, or which you will, or

both, the schoolmaster, being informed of the regard I have for you;

for you may be sure I did not fail to let him know of your good

qualities—by the bye, he has undertaken to teach you the pronunciation

of the English tongue, without which, he says, you will be unfit for

business in this country—I say my relation has spoke in your behalf to

a French apothecary who wants a journeyman; and on his recommendation

you may have fifteen pounds a year, bed and board, whenever you

please.” I was too much interested in this piece of news to entertain

it with indifference; but, jumping up, insisted on Strap’s immediately

accompanying me to the house of his friend, that I might not lose this

opportunity through the least delay or neglect on my part.

We were informed, that the schoolmaster was in company at a public-house

in the neighbourhood, whither we repaired, and found him drinking with

the very individual apothecary in question. When he was called to the

door at our desire, and observed my impatience, he broke out into his

usual term of admiration. “Oh! I suppose, when you heard of this offer,

you did not take leisure enough to come downstairs, but leaped out of

the window: did you overturn no porter nor oyster-woman in your way? It

was a mercy of God you did not knock your brains out against some post

in your career. Oh, my conscience! I believe, had I been in the inmost

recesses of my habitation—the very penetralia—your eagerness would have

surmounted bolts, bars, decency, and everything. The den of Cacus, or

sanctum sanctorum, could not have hid me from you. But come along the

gentleman of whom I spoke is in the house; I will present you to him

forthwith.” When I entered the room, I perceived four or five people

smoking, one of whom the schoolmaster accosted thus: “Mr. Lavement,

here’s the young man of whom I spoke to you.” The apothecary, who was a

little old withered man, with a forehead about an inch high, a nose

turned up at the end, large cheek-bones that helped to form a pit for

his little gray eyes, a great bag of loose skin hanging down on each

side in wrinkles, like the alforjos of a baboon, and a mouth so much

accustomed to that contraction which produces grinning, that he could

not pronounce a syllable without discovering the remains of his teeth,

which consisted of four yellow fangs, not improperly, by anatomists,

called canine. This person, I say, after having eyed me some time,

said, “Oho, ’tis ver well, Monsieur Concordance; young man, you are ver

welcome, take one coup of bierre—and come to mine house to-morrow

morning; Monsieur Concordance vil show you de way.” Upon this I made my

bow, and as I went out of the room could hear him say, “Ma foi! c’est

un beau garçon; c’est un gaillard.”

As I had by my own application, while I served Crab, acquired the

French tongue well enough to read authors written in that language and

understand anything that occurred in conversation, I determined to

pretend ignorance to my new master, that he and his family, whom I

supposed to be of the same country, not being on the reserve before me,

I might possibly discover something in discourse, which would either

yield me amusement or advantage. Next morning Mr. Concordance carried

me to the apothecary’s house, where the bargain was made, and orders

given to provide an apartment for me immediately. But before I entered

upon business the schoolmaster recommended me to his tailor, who gave

me credit for a suit of clothes, to be paid out of the first moiety of

my wages, and they were begun upon that very day; he afterwards

accommodated me with a new hat on the same term: so that in a few days

I hoped to make a very fashionable appearance. In the meantime, Strap

conveyed my baggage to the place allotted for me, which was a back room

up two pair of stairs, furnished with a pallet for me to lie upon, a

chair without a back, a bottle by way of candlestick, and a triangular

piece of glass instead of a mirror; the rest of its ornaments having

been lately removed to one of the garrets, for the convenience of the

servant of an Irish captain, who lodged in the first floor.

CHAPTER XIX

The character of Mr. Lavement, his wife and daughter—some anecdotes of

the family—the mother and daughter rivals—I am guilty of a mistake that

gives me present satisfaction, but is attended with troublesome

consequences

Next day, while I was at work in the shop, a bouncing damsel well

dressed came on pretence of finding a vial for some use or other; and

taking an opportunity, when she thought I did not mind her, of

observing me narrowly, went away with a silent look of disdain. I

easily guessed her sentiments, and my pride took the resolution of

entertaining the same indifference and neglect towards her. At dinner

the maids, with whom I dined in the kitchen, gave me to understand that

this was my master’s only daughter, who would have a very handsome

fortune, on account of which, and her beauty, a great many young

gentlemen made their addresses to her—that she had been twice on the

brink of marriage, but disappointed by the stinginess of her father,

who refused to part with a shilling to promote the match; for which

reason the young lady did not behave to her father with all the filial

veneration that might be expected. In particular she harboured the most

perfect hatred for his countrymen; in which disposition she resembled

her mother, who was an English-woman; and, by the hints they dropped, I

learned the gray mare was the better horse—that she was a matron of a

high spirit, which was often manifested at the expense of her

dependents; that she loved diversions, and looked upon miss as her

rival in all parties—which was indeed the true cause of her

disappointments; for had the mother been hearty in her interest, the

father would not have ventured to refuse her demands. Over and above

this intelligence, I, of myself, soon made more discoveries. Mr.

Lavement’s significant grins at his wife, while she looked another way,

convinced me that he was not at all content with his lot; and his

behaviour in presence of the captain made me believe his chief torment

was jealousy. As for my own part, I was considered in no other light

than that of a menial servant, and had been already six days in the

house without being honoured with one word from either mother or

daughter; the latter (as I understood from the maids) having at table

one day expressed some surprise that her papa should entertain such an

awkward mean-looking journeyman. I was nettled at this piece of

information, and next Sunday (it being my turn to take my diversion)

dressed myself in my new clothes to the greatest advantage, and, vanity

apart, made no contemptible figure.

After having spent most part of the day in company with Strap and some

of his acquaintance, I came home in the afternoon, and was let in by

miss, who not knowing me, dropped a low curtsey as I advanced, which I

returned with a profound bow, and shut the door. By the time I had

turned about, she had perceived her mistake, and changed colour, but

did not withdraw. The passage being narrow, I could not get away

without jolting her; so I was forced to remain where I was with my eyes

fixed to the ground, and my face glowing with blushes. At length, her

vanity coming to her assistance, she went away tittering, and I could

hear her pronounce the word ‘creature!’ From this day forward, she came

into the shop fifty times, every day upon various pretences, and put in

practice so many ridiculous airs, that I could easily perceive her

opinion of me was changed, and that she did not think me altogether an

unworthy conquest. But my heart was so steeled against her charms by

pride and resentment, which were two chief ingredients in my

disposition, that I remained insensible to all her arts; and

notwithstanding some advances she made, could not be prevailed upon to

yield her the least attention. This neglect soon banished all the

favourable impressions she felt for me, and the rage of a slighted

woman took place in her heart; this she manifested not only in all the

suggestions her malice could invent to my prejudice with her father,

but also in procuring for me such servile employments as she hoped

would sufficiently humble my spirit. One day in particular, she ordered

me to brush my master’s coat; but I refusing, a smart dialogue ensued,

which ended in her bursting into tears of rage; when her mother

interposing, and examining into the merits of the cause, determined it

in my favour: and this good office I owed not to any esteem or

consideration she had for me, but solely to the desire of mortifying

her daughter, who on this occasion observed, that let people be never

so much in the right, there were some folks who would never do them

justice, but, to be sure, they had their reasons for it, which some

people were ignorant of, although they despised their little arts. This

insinuation of some people and some folks put me upon observing the

behaviour of my mistress more narrowly for the future: and it was not

long before I had reason to believe that she looked upon her daughter

as a rival in the affections of Captain O’Donnell, who lodged in the

house.

In the meantime, my industry and knowledge gained me the goodwill of my

master, who would often say in French, “Mardy! c’est un bon garçon.” He

had a great deal of business; but he was mostly employed among his

fellow refugees, his profits were small. However, his expense for

medicines was not great; for he was the most expert man at a

succedaneum of any apothecary in London, so that I have been sometimes

amazed to see him, without the least hesitation, make up a physician’s

prescription, though he had not in his shop one medicine mentioned in

it. Oyster-shells he could convert into crab’s eyes; common oil into

oil of sweet almonds; syrup of sugar into balsamic syrup; Thames water

into aqua cinnamoni; and a hundred more costly preparations were

produced in an instant, from the cheapest and coarsest drugs of the

materia medica: and when any common thing was ordered for a patient, he

always took care to disguise it in colour or taste, or both, in such a

manner that it could not possibly be known; for which purpose cochineal

and oil of cloves were of great service. Mr. Lavement had attempted

more than once to introduce a vegetable diet into his family, by

launching out into the praise of roots and greens, and decrying the use

of flesh, both as a physician and philosopher; but all his rhetoric

could not make one proselyte to his opinion, and even the wife of his

bosom declared against the proposal.

One afternoon, when her husband was abroad, and his daughter gone to

visit, this lady ordered me to call a hackney-coach, in which she and

the captain drove towards Covent Garden. Miss came home in the evening,

and, supping at her usual hour, went to bed. About eleven o’clock my

master entered, and asked if his wife was gone to sleep: upon which I

told him, my mistress went out in the afternoon, and was not yet

returned. This was like a clap of thunder to the poor apothecary, who

starting back, cried, “Mort de ma vie! vat you tell a me? My vife not

at home!” At that instant a patient’s servant arrived with a

prescription for a draught, which my master taking, went into the shop

to make it up with his own hand. While he rubbed the ingredients in a

glass mortar, he inquired of me, whether or no his wife went out alone;

and no sooner heard that she was in company with the captain, than with

one blow he split the mortar into a thousand pieces, and grinning like

the head of a bass viol, exclaimed, “Ah, traitresse!” It would have

been impossible for me to have preserved my gravity a minute longer,

when I was happily relieved by a rap at the door, which I opened, and

perceived my mistress coming out of the coach. She flounced immediately

into the shop, and addressed her husband thus: “I suppose you thought I

was lost, my dear. Captain O’Donnell has been so good as to treat me

with a play.” The reply, it may be supposed, was anything but courteous

but the captain, who had been all the time at the door discharging the

coach, entered, and Mr. Lavement, changing his tone, saluted him with

all the usual politesse of a Frenchman.

Shortly after this event, by the knowledge which I acquired of the

family secrets, my life became much more agreeable; and as I every day

improved in my knowledge of the town I shook off my awkward air by

degrees, and acquired the character of a polite journeyman apothecary.

CHAPTER XX

I am assaulted and dangerously wounded—suspect O’Donnell, and am

confirmed in my opinion—concert a scheme of revenge, and put it into

execution—O’Donnell robs his own servant and disappears—make my

addresses to a lady, and am miraculously delivered from her snare

One night, at about twelve o’clock, as I returned from visiting a

patient at Chelsea, I received a blow on my head from an unseen hand,

that stretched me senseless on the ground; and was left for dead with

three stabs of a sword in my body. The groans I uttered when I

recovered the use of my reason alarmed the people of a solitary

alehouse that stood near the spot where I lay: and they were humane

enough to take me in, and send for a surgeon, who dressed my wounds,

and assured me they were not mortal. One of them penetrated through the

skin and muscles of one side of my belly in such a manner, that

doubtless the assassin imagined he had run me through the entrails. The

second slanted along one of my ribs; and the last, which was intended

for the finishing stroke, having been directed to my heart, the sword

snapped upon my breast-bone, and the point remained sticking in the

skin. When I reflected upon this event, I could not persuade myself

that I had been assaulted by a common footpad, because it is not usual

for such people to murder though they rob, especially when they meet

with no resistance; and I found my money, and everything else about me

but my carcase, safe. I concluded, therefore, that I must either have

been mistaken for another, or obliged to the private resentment of some

secret enemy for what had happened; and as I could remember nobody who

had the least cause of complaint against me, except Captain O’Donnell

and my master’s daughter, my suspicion settled upon them, though I took

care to conceal it, that I might the sooner arrive at confirmation.

With this view, I went home in the chair about ten o’clock in the

morning; and as the chairman supported me into the house, met the

captain in the passage, who no sooner saw me than he started back and

gave evident signs of guilty confusion, which he would have accounted

for from surprise occasioned by the seeing me in such a condition. My

master having heard my story, condoled me with a good deal of sympathy,

and when he understood my wounds were not dangerous, ordered me to be

carried upstairs to bed; though not without some opposition from his

wife, who was of opinion that it would be better for me to go to an

hospital, where I should be more carefully attended. My meditation was

employed in concerting with myself some method of revenge against

Squire O’Donnell and his inamorata, whom I looked upon as the author of

my misfortune; when miss, who was not at home at my arrival, entered my

chamber, and saying she was sorry for the accident that had befallen

me, asked if I suspected anybody to be the assassin; upon which I fixed

my eyes steadfastly upon her and answered, “Yes.” She discovered no

symptom of confusion, but replied hastily, “If that be the case, why

don’t you take out a warrant, to have him apprehended? It will cost but

a trifle—if you have no money, I’ll lend you.” This frankness not only

cured me of my suspicion with respect to her, but even staggered my

belief with regard to the captain, of whose guilt I resolved to have

further proof before I should enterprise anything in the way of

revenge. I thanked her kindly for her generous offer, which, however, I

had no occasion to accept, being determined to do nothing rashly: for

though I could plainly perceive the person who attacked me to be a

soldier, whose face I thought was familiar to me, I could not swear

with a safe conscience to any particular man; and, granting I could, my

prosecution of him would not much avail.

This uncertainty I pretended, lest the captain, hearing from her that I

knew the person who wounded me, might think proper to withdraw before I

could be in a condition to requite him. In two days I was up and able

to do a little business, so that Mr. Lavement made shift to carry on

his practice without hiring another journeyman in my room.

The first thing I attempted towards a certain discovery of my secret

enemy, was to get into O’Donnell’s apartment, while he was abroad in an

undress, and examine his sword, the point of which being broken off, I

applied the fragment that was found sticking in my body, and found it

answered the fractured part exactly. There was no room left for doubt;

and all that remained was to fix upon a scheme of revenge, which almost

solely engrossed my thoughts during the space of eight nights and days.

Sometimes I was tempted to fall upon him in the same manner as he had

practised upon me, and kill him outright. But this assault my honour

opposed as a piece of barbarous cowardice, in which he was not to be

imitated. At other times I entertained thoughts of demanding

satisfaction in an honourable way; but was diverted from this

undertaking by considering the uncertainty of the event, and the nature

of the injury he had done me, which did not entitle him to such easy

terms. At last I determined to pursue a middle course, and actually put

my design in execution after this manner. Having secured the assistance

of Strap and two of his acquaintance whom he could depend upon, we

provided ourselves with disguises, and I caused the following letter to

be delivered to him by one of our associates in livery, one Sunday

evening:—

“Sir—If I may be allowed to judge from appearance, it will not be

disagreeable for you to hear that my husband is gone to Bagshot to

visit a patient, and will not return till to-morrow night; so that, if

you have anything to propose to me (as your behaviour on many occasions

has seemed to insinuate), you will do well to embrace the present

opportunity of seeing,

Yours, etc.”

This letter was signed with the name of an apothecary’s wife who lived

in Chelsea, of whom I had heard O’Donnell was an admirer. Everything

succeeded to our wish. The hero hastened towards the place of

appointment, and was encountered by us in the very place where he had

assaulted me. We rushed upon him all at once, secured his sword,

stripped off his clothes even to the skin, which was scourged with

nettles till he was blistered from head to foot, notwithstanding all

the eloquence of his tears and supplications. When I was satisfied with

the stripes I had bestowed, we carried off his clothes, which we hid in

a hedge near the place, and left him stark naked to find his way home

in the best manner he could, while I took care to be there before him.

I afterwards understood that, in his way to the lodgings of a friend,

who lived in the skirts of the town, he was picked up by the watch, who

carried him to the round-house, from whence he sent for clothes to his

lodgings, and next morning arrived at the door in a chair, wrapt up in

a blanket he had borrowed; for his body was so sore and swelled, that

he could not bear to be confined in his wearing apparel. He was treated

with the utmost tenderness by my mistress and her daughter, who vied

with each other in their care and attendance of him; but Lavement

himself could not forbear expressing his joy, by several malicious

grins, while he ordered me to prepare an unguent for his sores. As to

myself, nobody can doubt my gratification, when I had every day an

opportunity of seeing my revenge protracted on the body of my

adversary, by the ulcers of which I had been the cause; and, indeed, I

not only enjoyed the satisfaction of having flea’d him alive, but

another also which I had not foreseen. The story of his being attacked

and stripped in such a place having been inserted in the news, gave

information to those who found his clothes next day, whither to bring

them; and accordingly he retrieved everything he had lost except a few

letters, among which was that which I had writ to him in the name of

the apothecary’s wife. This, and the others, which were all on the

subject of love (for this Hibernian hero was one of those people who

are called fortune-hunters), fell into the hands of a certain female

author, famous for the scandal she has published; who, after having

embellished them with some ornaments of her own invention, gave them to

the to town in print. I was very much shocked on reflection, that I

might possibly be the occasion of a whole family’s unhappiness on

account of the letter I had written; but was eased of that

apprehension, when I understood that the Chelsea apothecary had

commenced a lawsuit against the printer for defamation, and looked upon

the whole as a piece of forgery committed by the author, who had

disappeared. But whatever might be his opinion of the matter, our two

ladies seemed to entertain a different idea of it: for as soon as the

pamphlet appeared, I could perceive their care of their patient

considerably diminish, till at last it ended in a total neglect. It was

impossible for him to be ignorant of this change, any more than of the

occasion of it; but as he was conscious to himself of having deserved

worse than contempt at their hands, he was glad to come off so cheaply,

and contented himself with muttering curses and threats against the

apothecary, who, as he imagined, having got an inkling of the

appointment with his wife, had taken revenge of him in the manner

described. By the time he had got a new scarf skin his character was

become so notorious, that he thought it high time for him to decamp;

and his retreat he performed in one night, without beat of drum, after

having robbed his own servant of everything that belonged to him except

the clothes he had on his back.

A few days after he disappeared, Mr. Lavement, for his own security,

took into his custody a large old trunk which he had left; and as it

was very heavy, made no question that the contents were sufficient to

indemnify him for what O’Donnell owed in lodging. But a month being

elapsed without hearing any tidings of this adventurer, and my master

being impatient to know what the trunk contained, he ordered me to

break it open in his presence, which task I performed with the pestle

of our great mortar, and discovered, to his inexpressible astonishment

and mortification, a heap of stones.

About this time, my friend Strap informed me of an offer he had to go

abroad with a gentleman in quality of valet de chambre and at the same

time assured me that, whatever advantage he might propose to himself

from this prospect, he could not bear the thoughts of parting from me,

so much was he attached to my fortune. In spite of all the obligations

I owed to this poor, honest fellow, ingratitude is so natural to the

heart of man, that I began to be tired of his acquaintance: and now

that I had contracted other friendships which appeared more creditable,

was even ashamed to see a journeyman barber inquiring after me with the

familiarity of a companion. I therefore, on pretence of consulting his

welfare, insisted upon his accepting the proposal, which he at last

determined to embrace, with great reluctance, and in a few days, took

his leave of me, shedding a flood of tears, which I could not behold

without emotion. I now began to look upon me as of a gentleman in

reality; learned to dance, frequented plays during the holidays; became

the oracle of an ale-house, where every dispute was referred to my

decision; and at length contracted an acquaintance with a young lady,

who found means to make a conquest of my heart, and upon whom I

prevailed, after much attendance and solicitation, to give me a promise

of marriage. As this beautiful creature passed for a rich heiress, I

blessed my good fortune, and was actually on the point of crowning all

my wishes by matrimony, when I made such a discovery as effectually

turned me from my design, and I abandoned all thoughts of marriage for

the future.

CHAPTER XXI

Squire Gawky comes to lodge with my master—is involved in a troublesome

affair, out of which he is extricated by me—he marries my master’s

daughter—they conspire against me—I am found guilty of theft,

discharged—deserted by my friends, I hire a room in St. Gile’s—where,

by accident, I find the lady to whom I paid my addresses in a miserable

condition—I relieve her

When I enjoyed myself at large in this temper of mind, Lavement let his

first floor to my countryman and acquaintance, Squire Gawky, who by

this time had got a lieutenancy in the army, and such a martial

ferocity in his appearance that I was afraid he would remember what

happened between us in Scotland, and atone for his breach of

appointment then by his punctuality now; but whether he had actually

forgot me, or was willing to make me believe so, he betrayed not the

least symptom of recognition at sight of me, and I remained quite cured

of my apprehension; though I had occasion not long after to be

convinced, that howsoever his externals might be altered, he was at

bottom the same individual Gawky, whom I have already described. For

coming home late one night from the house of a patient, I heard a noise

in the street, and as I approached, perceived two gentlemen in custody,

of three watchmen. The prisoners, who were miserable, disfigured with

dirt, complained bitterly of the loss of their hats and wigs; and one

of them, whom by his tongue I know to be a Scotchman, lamented most

piteously, offering a guinea for his liberty, which the watchman

refused, alleging that one of his companions was wounded grievously,

and that he must stand to the consequence. My prejudice in favour of my

native country was so strong, that I could not bear to see anybody

belonging to it in distress, and therefore, with one blow of my

faithful cudgel, knocked down the watchman who had hold of the person

for whom I was chiefly concerned. He was no sooner disengaged, than he

betook himself to his heels, and left me to maintain the dispute as I

should think proper; and, indeed, I came off but scurvily, for, before

I could avail myself of my speed, I received a blow on the eye, from

one of the other two, that had well nigh deprived me of the use of that

organ. However, I made shift to get home, where I was informed of

Captain Gawky’s being robbed and abused by a company of footpads, and

was ordered by my master to prepare an emollient glyster and paregoric

draught, in order to allay and compose the ferment of his spirits,

occasioned by the barbarous treatment he had undergone, while he took

twelve ounces of blood from him immediately.

When I inquired into the particulars of this adventure, and understood

by the servant that he came in just before me, without hat and wig, I

made no scruple of believing him to be the person I had released, and

was confirmed in my belief upon hearing his voice, to which (before

that event) I had long been a stranger.

My eye being considerably swelled and inflamed, I could not reflect

upon my enterprise without cursing my own folly, and even resolving to

declare the truth of the whole story in order to be revenged on the

cowardly wretch for whom I had suffered: accordingly, next day after he

had told, in presence of my master, his wife and daughter, who came to

him, a thousand lies concerning the prowess he had shown in making his

escape, I ventured to explain the mystery, and, calling in the evidence

of my contused eye, upbraided him with cowardice and ingratitude. Gawky

was so astonished at this that he could not answer one word, and the

rest of the company stared at one another; till at length my mistress

reprimanded me for my insolent behaviour, and threatened to turn me

away for my presumption. Upon which, Gawky (having recollected himself)

observed, as the young man might have mistaken another person for him,

he could forgive his insinuations, more especially as he seemed to have

suffered for his incivility; but advised me to be more certain in my

conjectures for the future, before I ventured to publish them to the

prejudice of any man. Miss applauded the Captain’s generosity in

pardoning one who had so villainously aspersed him, and I began to

imagine her praise was not at all disinterested. But the apothecary,

who perhaps had more penetration or less partiality than his wife and

daughter, differed from them in their sentiments of the matter, and

expressed himself to me in the shop in this manner: “Ah mon pauvre

Roderique! you have more of de veracite dan of de prudence—bot mine

vife and dater be diablement sage, and Monsieur le Capitaine un

fanfaron, pardieu!”

This eulogium on his wife and daughter, though spoken ironically by

him, was nevertheless literally just; by espousing the cause of Gawky,

the one obliged a valuable lodger, and the other acquired a husband at

a juncture when one was absolutely necessary. The young lady insinuated

herself so artfully into the affection of this new lodger, that in less

than a fortnight, on pretence of going to the play, they drove away

together to the Fleet, where they were married; and in the morning came

home, where they asked her father’s and mother’s blessing. The prudent

parents, notwithstanding the precipitation with which the match was

carried on, did not think fit to refuse their approbation; for the

apothecary was not ill pleased to find his daughter married to a young

man of a good prospect, who had not mentioned one syllable on the

article of her dowry; and his wife was rejoiced at being rid of a rival

and a spy upon her. Whatever face Gawky put on the matter, my discovery

of the adventure before related, and the reproaches I vented against

him, had stung him to the soul, and cherished the seeds of enmity so

strongly in his breast, that he imparted his indignation to his wife,

who being as desirous as himself to accomplish the ruin of one that not

only slighted her caresses, but was able on any occasion to discover

particulars not at all advantageous to her character, readily joined in

a conspiracy against me, which (had it taken effect as they expected)

would infallibly have brought me to an ignominious death.

My master having several times missed large quantities of medicines, of

which I could give no account, at last lost all patience, and in plain

terms taxed me with having embezzled them for my own use. As I could

only oppose my single asseveration to his suspicion, he told me one

day, “Your vord not be give me de satisfaction—me find necessaire to

chercher for my medicine; pardonnez moi—il faut chercher—me demand le

clef of your coffre a cette heure.” Then raising his voice to conceal

the fright he was in lest I should make any opposition, he went on,

“Oui! I charge you rendez le clef of your coffre—moi—si, moi qui vous

parle.” I was fired with so much resentment and disdain at this

accusation, that I burst into tears, which he took for a sign of guilt;

and pulling out my key, told him he might satisfy himself immediately,

though he would not find it so easy to satisfy me for the injury my

reputation had suffered from his unjust suspicion. He took the key and

mounted up to my chamber, attended by the whole family, saying, “Eh

bien, nous verrons—nous verrons.” But what was my horror and amazement,

when, opening my chest, he pulled out a handful of the very things that

were missing, and pronounced, “Ah, ha, vous etes bienvenu—mardy, Mons.

Roderique, you be fort innocent!” I had not power to utter one word in

my own vindication, but stood motionless and silent, while everybody

present made their respective remarks on what appeared against me. The

servants said they were sorry for my misfortune, and went away

repeating, “Who would have thought it?” My mistress took occasion from

this detection to rail against the practice of employing strangers in

general; and Mrs. Gawky, after having observed that she never had a

good opinion of my fidelity, proposed to have me carried before the

justice and committed to Newgate immediately. Her husband was actually

upon the stairs in his way for a constable, when Mr. Lavement knowing

the cost and trouble of a prosecution to which he must bind himself,

and at the same time dreading lest some particulars of my confession

might affect his practice, called out. “Restez, mon fils! restez, it be

veritablement one grand crime which dis pauvre diable have

committed—bot peut-etre de good God give him de penitence, and me vill

not have upon mine head de blood of one sinner.” The captain and his

lady used all the Christian arguments their zeal could suggest to

prevail upon the apothecary to pursue me to destruction, and

represented the injustice he did to the community of which he was a

member, in letting a villain escape, who would not fail of doing more

mischief in the world when he should reflect on his coming off so

easily now; but their eloquence made no impression on my master, who

turning to me said, “Go, miserable, go from mine house quick,

quick!—and make reparation for your mauvaise actions.” By this time my

indignation had roused me from the stupefaction in which I had hitherto

remained and I began in this manner:—“Sir, appearances I own condemn

me; but you are imposed upon as much as I am abused: I have fallen a

sacrifice to the rancour of that scoundrel” (pointing to Gawky) “who

has found means to convey your goods hither, that the detection of them

might blast my reputation, and accomplish my destruction. His hatred to

me is owing to a consciousness of his having wronged me in my own

country—for which injury he in a cowardly manner, refused me the

satisfaction of a gentleman; he knows, moreover, that I am no stranger

to his dastardly behaviour in this town, which I have recounted before,

and he is unwilling that such a testimony of his ingratitude and

pusillanimity should live upon the earth; for this reason he is guilty

of the most infernal malice to bring about my ruin. And I am afraid,

madam (turning to Mrs. Gawky) you have too easily entered into the

sentiments of your husband. I have often found you my enemy, and am

well acquainted with the occasion of your being so, which I don’t at

present think proper to declare; but I would advise you, for your own

sake, not to drive me to extremity.” This address enraged her so much

that with a face as red us scarlet and the eyes of a fury, she strutted

up to me and putting her hands in her side, spat in my face, saying, I

was a scandalous villain, but she defied my malice; and that unless her

papa would not prosecute me like a thief as I was, she would not stay

another night under his roof. At the same time, Gawky assuming a big

look, told me, he scorned what lies I could invent against him; but

that, if I pretended to asperse his wife, he would put me to death. To

this threat I answered, “I wish I could meet with thee in a desert,

that I might have an opportunity of punishing thee for thy perfidy

towards me, and rid the world of such a rascal. What hinders me this

moment,” said I, seizing an old bottle that stood by, “from doing

myself that justice?” I had no sooner armed myself in this manner, than

Gawky and his father-in-law retired in such a hurry, that the one

overturned the other, and they rolled together down stairs, while my

mistress swooned away with fear, and her daughter asked if I intended

to murder her. I gave her to understand, that nothing was farther from

my intention, that I would leave her to the stings of her own

conscience; but was firmly resolved to slit her husband’s nose,

whenever fortune should offer a convenient opportunity. Then going down

stairs, I met Lavement coming up trembling with the pestle in his hand,

and Gawky behind armed with his sword, pushing him forward. I demanded

a parley: and having assured him of my pacific disposition, Gawky

exclaimed, “Ah, villain! you have killed my dear wife.” And the

apothecary cried, “Ah, coquin! vere is my shild?” “The lady,” said I,

“is above stairs, unhurt by me, and will, a few months hence, I believe

reward your concern.” Here she called to them, and desired they would

let the wretch go, and trouble themselves no further about him. To

which request her father consented, observing, nevertheless, that my

conversation was ‘very mysterious.’

Finding it impossible to vindicate my innocence, I left the house

immediately, and went to the schoolmaster, with an intention of

clearing myself to him, and asking his advice with regard to my future

conduct; but, to my inexpressible vexation, he was gone to the country,

where he would stay two or three days. I returned with a design of

consulting some acquaintance I had acquired in the neighbourhood; but

my story had taken air through the officiousness of the servants, and

not one of my friends would vouchsafe me a hearing. Thus I found

myself, by the iniquity of mankind, in a much more deplorable condition

than ever: for though I had been formerly as poor, my reputation was

without blemish, and my health unimpaired till now; but at present my

good name was lost, my money gone, my friends were alienated, my body

was infected by an odious distemper; and my faithful Strap, who alone

could yield me pity and assistance, absent I knew not where.

The first resolution I could take in this melancholy conjuncture, was

to remove my clothes to the house of the person with whom I had

formerly lodged, where I remained two days in hopes of getting another

place by the interest of Mr. Concordance, to whom I made no doubt of

being able to vindicate my character; but in this supposition I

reckoned without my best, for Lavement took care to be beforehand with

me; and when I attempted to explain the whole affair to the

schoolmaster, I found him so prepossessed against me, that he would

scarce hear me to an end; but when I had finished my justification,

shook his head, and beginning with his usual exclamation said, “That

won’t go down with me. I am very sorry I should have the misfortune of

being concerned in the affair, but, however, shall be more cautious for

the future. I will trust no man from henceforward—no, not my father who

begat me, nor the brother who lay with me in my mother’s womb: should

Daniel rise from the dead, I would think him an impostor; and were the

genius of truth to appear, would question its veracity!” I told him,

that one day it was possible he might be convinced of the injury I had

suffered, and repent of his premature determination. To which remark he

answered, the proof of my innocence would make his bowels vibrate with

joy; “but till that shall happen,” continued he, “I must beg to have no

manner of connection with you—my reputation is at stake. I shall be

looked upon as your accomplice and abettor—people will say Jonathan

Wild was but a type of me—boys will hoot at me as I pass along; and the

cinder-wenches belch forth reproaches wafted in a gale impregnated with

gin: I shall be notorious—the very butt of slander, and sink of

infamy!” I was not in a humour to relish the climax of expressions upon

which this gentleman valued himself in all his discourses; but, without

any ceremony, took my leave, cursed with every sentiment of horror

which my situation could suggest. I considered, however, in the

intervals of my despondence, that I must, in some shape suit my expense

to my calamitous circumstances, and with that view hired an apartment

in a garret near St. Giles’s, at the rate of nine-pence per week.

I one day, when I sat in this solitary retreat musing upon the

unhappiness of my fate, was alarmed by a groan that issued from a

chamber contiguous to mine, into which I immediately ran, and found a

woman stretched on a miserable truckle bed, without any visible signs

of life. Having applied a smelling bottle to her nose, the blood began

to revisit her cheeks, and she opened her eyes; but, good heaven! what

were the emotions of my soul, when I discovered her to be the same

individual lady who had triumphed over my heart, and to whose fate I

had almost been inseparably joined! Her deplorable situation filled my

breast with compassion. She knew me immediately; and, straining me

gently in her arms, shed a torrent of tears, which I could not help

increasing. At length, casting a languishing look at me, she pronounced

with a feeble voice, “Dear Mr. Random, I do not deserve this concern at

your hands: I am a vile creature, who had a base design upon your

person—suffer me, to expiate that, and all my other crimes, by a

miserable death, which will not fail to overtake me in a few hours.” I

encouraged her as much as I could, told her I forgave all her

intentions with regard to me; and that, although my circumstances were

extremely low, I would share my last farthing with her. I begged in the

meantime to know the immediate cause of that fit from which she had

just recovered, and said, I would endeavour by my skill to prevent any

more such attacks. She seemed very much affected with this expression,

took my hand, and pressed it to her lips, saying, “You are too

generous! I wish I could live to express my gratitude—but alas! I

perish for want.” Then shutting her eyes, she relapsed into another

swoon. Such extremity of distress must have waked the most obdurate

heart to sympathy and compassion; what effect then must it have had on

mine, that was naturally prone to every tender passion? I ran

downstairs, and sent my landlady to a chemist’s shop for some cinnamon

water, while I, returning to this unfortunate creature’s chamber, used

all the means in my power to bring her to herself; this aim with much

difficulty I accomplished, and made her drink a glass of the cordial to

recruit her spirits: then I prepared a little mulled red wine and a

toast, which having taken, she found herself thoroughly revived, and

informed me, that she had not tasted food for eight and forty hours

before. As I was impatient to know the occasion and nature of her

calamity, she gave me to understand, that she was a woman of the town

by profession; that in the course of her adventures she found herself

dangerously infected with a distemper, to which all of her class are

particularly subject; that her malady gaining ground every day, she

became loathsome to herself and offensive to others: when she resolved

to retire to some obscure corner where she might be cured with as

little noise and expense as possible; that she had accordingly chosen

this place of retreat, and put herself into the hands of an advertising

doctor, who having fleeced her of all the money she had, or could

procure, left her three days ago in a worse condition than that in

which he found her; that except the clothes on her back, she had pawned

or sold everything that belonged to her to satisfy that rapacious

quack, and quiet the clamour of her landlady, who still persisted in

her threats to turn her out into the street. After having moralised

upon these particulars, I proposed that she should lodge in the same

room with me, an expedient that would save some money: and assured her,

I would undertake to cure her as well as my own, during which she

should partake of all the conveniences that I could afford to myself.

She embraced my offer with unfeigned acknowledgment, and I began to put

it in practice immediately. I found her not only an agreeable

companion, whose conversation greatly alleviated my chagrin, but also a

careful nurse, who served me with the utmost fidelity and affection.

One day, while I testified my surprise that a woman of her beauty, good

sense, and education (for she had a large portion of each), could be

reduced to such an infamous and miserable way of life, she answered

with a sigh, “These very advantages were the cause of my undoing.” This

remarkable reply inflamed my curiosity to such a degree, that I begged

she would favour me with the particulars of her story, and she complied

in these words.

CHAPTER XXII

The History of Miss Williams

‘My father was an eminent merchant in the city who having, in the

course of trade, suffered very considerable losses, retired in his old

age with his wife to a small estate in the country, which he had

purchased with the remains of his fortune. At that time, I being but

eight years of age, was left in town for the convenience of education,

boarded with an aunt, who was a rigid presbyterian, and confined me so

closely to what she called the duties of religion, that in time I grew

weary of her doctrines, and by degrees received an aversion for the

good books, she daily recommended to my perusal. As I increased in age,

and appeared with a person not disagreeable, I contracted a good deal

of acquaintance among my own sex; one of whom, after having lamented

the restraint I was under from the narrowness of my aunt’s sentiments,

told me I must now throw off the prejudices of opinion imbibed under

her influence and example, and learn to think for myself; for which

purpose she advised me to read Shaftsbury, Tindal, Hobbes, and all the

authors that are remarkable for their deviation from the old way of

thinking, and by comparing one with the other, I should soon be able to

form a system of my own. I followed her advice; and whether it was

owing to my prepossession against what I had formerly read, or the

clearness of argument in these my new instructors, I know not; but I

studied them with pleasure, and in a short time became a professed

freethinker. Proud of my improvement, I argued in all companies, and

that with such success, that I soon acquired the reputation of a

philosopher, and few people durst undertake me in a dispute. I grew

vain upon my good fortune, and at length pretended to make my aunt a

proselyte to my opinion; but she no sooner perceived my drift than,

taking the alarm, she wrote to my father an account of my heresy, and

conjured him, as he tendered the good of my soul, to remove me

immediately from the dangerous place where I had contracted such sinful

principles. Accordingly, my father ordered me into the country, where I

arrived in the fifteenth year of my age, and, by his command gave him a

detail of all the articles of my faith, which he did not find so

unreasonable as they had been represented. Finding myself suddenly

deprived of the company and pleasures of the town, I grew melancholy

and it was some time before I could relish my situation. But solitude

became every day more and more familiar to me and I consoled myself in

my retreat with the enjoyment of a good library, at such times as were

not employed in the management of the family (for my mother had been

dead three years), in visiting, or some other party of rural diversion.

Having more imagination than judgment, I addicted myself too much to

poetry and romance; and, in short, was looked upon as a very

extraordinary person by everybody in the country where I resided.

‘I had one evening strayed, with a book in my hand, into a wood that

bordered on the high road, at a little distance from my father’s house,

when a certain drunken squire, riding by, perceived me, and crying,

“Holloa, there’s a charming creature!” alighted in a moment, caught me

in his arms, and treated me so rudely that I shrieked as loud as I

could, and in the meantime opposed his violence with all the strength

that rage and resentment could inspire. During this struggle, another

horseman came up, who, seeing a lady so unworthily used, dismounted,

and flew to my assistance. The squire, mad with disappointment, or

provoked with the reproaches of the other gentleman, quitted me, and

running to his horse, drew a pistol from the saddle, and fired it at my

protector, who happily receiving no damage, went up, and, with the

butt-end of his whip laid him prostrate on the ground before he could

use the other, which his antagonist immediately seized, and, clapping

to the squire’s breast, threatened to put him to death for his

cowardice and treachery. In this dilemma I interposed and begged his

life, which was granted to my request, after he had asked pardon, and

swore his intention was only to obtain a kiss. However, my defender

thought proper to unload the other pistol, and throw away the flints,

before he gave him his liberty. This courteous stranger conducted me

home, where my father having learned the signal service he had done me,

loaded him with caresses, and insisted on his lodging that night at our

house. If the obligation he had conferred upon me justly inspired me

with sentiments of gratitude, his appearance and conversation seemed to

entitle him to somewhat more. He was about the age of two-and-twenty,

among the tallest of the middle size; had chestnut-coloured hair, which

he wore tied up in a ribbon; a high polished forehead, a nose inclining

to the aquiline, lively blue eyes, red pouting lips, teeth as white as

snow, and a certain openness of countenance—but why need I describe any

more particulars of his person? I hope you will do me the justice to

believe I do not flatter, when I say he was the exact resemblance of

you; and if I had not been well acquainted with his family and degree,

I should have made no scruple of concluding that you was his brother.

He spoke and seemed to have no reserve: for what he said was ingenuous,

sensible, and uncommon. “In short,” said she, bursting into tears, “he

was formed for the ruin of our sex. His behaviour was modest and

respectful, but his looks were so significant, that I could easily

observe he secretly blessed the occasion that introduced him to my

acquaintance. We learned from his discourse that he was the eldest son

of a wealthy gentleman in the neighbourhood, to whose name we were no

strangers—that he had been to visit an acquaintance in the country,

from whose house he was returning home, when my shrieks brought him to

my rescue.”

‘All night long my imagination formed a thousand ridiculous

expectations: there was so much of knight-errantry in this gentleman’s

coming to the relief of a damsel in distress, with whom he immediately

became enamoured, that all I had read of love and chivalry recurred to

my fancy; and I looked upon myself as a princess in some region of

romance, who being delivered from the power of some brutal giant or

satyr, by a generous Oroondates, was bound in gratitude, as well as led

by inclination, to yield up my affections to him without reserve. In

vain did I endeavour to chastise these foolish conceits by reflections

more reasonable and severe: the amusing images took full possession of

my mind, and my dreams represented my hero sighing at my feet, in the

language of a despairing lover. Next morning after breakfast he took

his leave, when my father begged the favour of further acquaintance

with him; to which request he replied by a compliment to him, and a

look to me so full of eloquence and tenderness, that my whole soul

received the soft impression. In a short time he repeated his visit;

and as a recital of the particular steps he pursued to ruin me would be

tedious and impertinent, let it suffice to say, he made it his business

to insinuate himself into my esteem, by convincing me of his own good

sense, and at the same time flattering my understanding. This task he

performed in the most artful manner, by seeming to contradict me often

through misapprehension, that I might have an opportunity of clearing

myself the more to my own honour. Having thus secured my good opinion,

he began to give me some tokens of a particular passion, founded on a

veneration of the qualities of my mind, and, as an accidental ornament,

admired the beauties of my person; till at being fully persuaded of his

conquest, he chose a proper season for the theme, and disclosed his

love in terms so ardent and sincere, that it was impossible for me to

disguise the sentiments of my heart, and he received my approbation

with the most lively transport. After this mutual declaration, we

contrived to meet more frequently in private interviews, where we

enjoyed the conversation of one another, in all the elevation of fancy

and impatience of hope that reciprocal adoration can inspire. He

professed his honourable intentions, of which I made no question;

lamented the avaricious disposition of his father, who had destined him

for the arms of another, and vowed eternal fidelity with such an

appearance of candour and devotion—that I became a dupe to his deceit.

Cursed be the day on which I gave away my innocence and peace! Cursed

be my beauty that first attracted the attention of the seducer! Cursed

be my education, that, by refining my sentiments, made my heart the

more susceptible! Cursed be my good sense, that fixed me to one object,

and taught me the preference I enjoyed was but my due! Had I been ugly,

nobody would have tempted me; had I been ignorant, the charms of my

person would not have atoned for the coarseness of my conversation; had

I been giddy, my vanity would have divided my inclinations, and my

ideas would have been so diffused, that I should never have listened to

the enchantments of one alone.

‘But to return to my unfortunate story. After some months, the visits

of my lover became less frequent, and his behaviour less warm: I

perceived his coldness, my heart took the alarm, my tears reproached

him, and I insisted upon the performance of his promise to espouse me,

that, whatever should happen, my reputation might be safe. He seemed to

acquiesce in my proposal, and left me on pretence of finding a proper

clergyman to unite us in the bands of wedlock. But alas! the inconstant

had no intention to return. I waited a whole week with the utmost

impatience; sometimes doubting his honour, at other times inventing

excuses for him, and condemning myself for harbouring suspicions of his

faith. At length I understood from a gentleman who dined at our house,

that this perfidious wretch was on the point of setting out for London

with his bride, to buy clothes for their approaching nuptials. This

information distracted me! Rage took possession of my soul; I denounced

a thousand imprecations, and formed as many schemes of revenge against

the traitor who had undone me. Then my resentment would subside to

silent sorrow. I recalled the tranquillity I lost, I wept over my

infatuation, and sometimes a ray of hope would intervene, and for a

moment cheer my drooping heart; I would revolve all the favourable

circumstances of his character, repeat the vows he made, ascribe his

absence to the vigilance of a suspicious father who compelled him to a

match his soul abhorred, and comfort myself with the expectation of

seeing him before the thing should be brought to any terms of

agreement. But how vain was my imagination! That villain left me

without remorse, and in a few days the news of his marriage were spread

all over the country. My horror was then inconceivable; and had not the

desire of revenge diverted the resolution, I should infallibly have put

an end to my miserable life. My father observed the symptoms of my

despair: and though I have good reason to believe he guessed the cause,

was at a great deal of pains to seem ignorant of my affliction, while

he endeavoured with parental fondness to alleviate my distress. I saw

his concern, which increased my anguish, and raised my fury against the

author of my calamity to an implacable degree.

‘Having furnished myself with a little money, I made an elopement from

this unhappy parent in the night-time, and about break of day arrived

at a small town, from whence a stage coach set out for London, in which

I embarked, and next day alighted in town; the spirit of revenge having

supported me all the way against every other reflection, My first care

was to hire a lodging, in which I kept myself very retired, assumed a

feigned name, that my character and situation might be better

concealed. It was not long before I found out the house of my lover,

whither I immediately repaired in a transport of rage, determined to

act some desperate deed for the satisfaction of my despair, though the

hurry of my spirits would not permit me to concert or resolve upon a

particular plan. When I demanded admission to Lothario (so let me call

him), I was desired to send up my name and business; but this I

refused, telling the porter I had business for his master’s private

ear; upon which I was conducted into a parlour until he should be

informed of my request. There I remained about a quarter of an hour,

when a servant entered and told me his master was engaged with company,

and begged to be excused at that time. My temper could hold out no

longer. I pulled out a poniard from my bosom, where I had concealed it,

and rushing out flew up stairs like a fury, exclaiming, “Where’s this

perfidious villain? could I plunge this dagger into his false heart, I

should then die satisfied!” The noise I made alarmed not only the

servants, but the company also, who hearing my threats came forward to

the staircase to see was the matter. I was seized, disarmed, and

withheld by two footmen; and in this situation felt the most exquisite

torture in beholding my undoer approach with his young wife. I could

not endure the sight, was deprived of my senses, and fell into a severe

fit, during which I know not how I was treated; but when I recovered

the use of reflection, found myself on a bed in a paltry apartment,

where I was attended by an old woman, who asked a thousand impertinent

questions relating to my condition, and informed me that my behaviour

had thrown the whole family into confusion; that Lothario affirmed I

was mad, and proposed to have me sent to Bedlam; but my lady persuaded

herself there was more in my conduct than he cared should be known, and

had taken to her bed on bare suspicion, having first ordered that I

should be narrowly looked to. I heard all she said without making any

other reply than desiring she would do me the favour to call a chair;

but this she told me could not be done without her master’s consent,

which, however, was easily procured, and I was conveyed to my lodgings

in a state of mind that baffles all description. The agitation of my

thoughts produced a fever, which brought on a miscarriage; and I

believe it is well for my conscience that heaven thus disposed of my

burden; for let me own to you with penitence and horror, if I had

brought a living child into the world, my frenzy would have prompted me

to sacrifice the little innocent to my resentment of the father’s

infidelity.

‘After this event my rage abated, and my hate became more deliberate

and calm: when one day my landlady informed me that there was a

gentleman below who desired to see me, he having something of

consequence to impart, which he was sure would contribute to my peace

of mind. I was exceedingly alarmed at this declaration, which I

attempted to interpret a thousand ways; and before I came to any

determination he entered my room, with an apology for intruding without

my knowledge or consent. I surveyed him some time, and not being able

to recollect his face, demanded, with a faltering accent, what his

business was with me? Upon which he desired I would give him a

particular audience, and he did not doubt of communicating something

that would conduce to my satisfaction and repose. As I thought myself

sufficiently guarded against any violence, I granted his request, and

bade the woman withdraw. The stranger, then advancing, gave me to

understand that he was well acquainted with the particulars of my

story, having been informed of them from Lothario’s own mouth—that from

the time he knew my misfortunes he had entertained a detestation for

the author of them, which had of late been increased and inflamed to a

desire of revenge, by a piece of dishonourable conduct towards him—that

hearing of my melancholy situation, he had come with an intention of

offering his assistance and comfort, and was ready to espouse my

quarrel, and forthwith take vengeance on my seducer, provided I would

grant him one consideration, which, he hoped, I should see no reason to

refuse. Had all the artifice of hell been employed in composing a

persuasive, it could not have had a more instantaneous or favourable

effect than this discourse had upon me. I was transported with a

delirium of gloomy joy. The contract was made; he devoted himself to my

revenge, undertook to murder Lothario that very night, and to bring me

an account of his death before morning. Accordingly, about two of the

clock, he was introduced to my chamber, and assured me that my

perfidious lover was no more: that although he was not entitled to such

an honourable proceeding, he had fairly challenged him to the field,

where he upbraided him with his treachery towards me, for whom, he told

me, his sword was drawn, and after a few passes left him weltering in

his blood. I was so savaged by my wrongs, that I delighted in the

recital of this adventure, made him repeat the particulars and feasted

my eyes on the blood that remained on his clothes and sword. My

imagination was so engrossed by these ideas, that in my sleep I dreamed

Lothario appeared before me pale, mangled, and bloody, blamed my

rashness, protested his innocence, and pleaded his cause so

pathetically, that I was convinced of his fidelity, and waked in a fit

of horror and remorse. I dropped asleep again, and the same apparition

recurred to my fancy. In short, I passed the night in great misery, and

looked upon my avenger with such abhorrence, that in the morning,

perceiving my aversion, he insinuated there was still a possibility of

Lothario’s recovery: it was quite true he left him wounded on the

ground, but not quite dead, and perhaps his hurts might not be mortal.

At these words I started up, bade him fly for intelligence, and if he

could not bring me tidings of Lothario’s safety, at least consult his

own, and never return; for I was resolved to surrender myself to

justice, and declare all I knew of the affair, that, if possible I

might expiate my own guilt, by incurring the rigours of a sincere

repentance and ignominious death. He very coolly represented the

unreasonableness of my prejudice against him, who had done nothing but

what his love of me inspired, and honour justified: that now he had, at

the risk of his life, been subservient to my revenge, I was about to

discard him as an infamous agent, occasionally necessary; and that,

even if he should be so lucky as to bring news of Lothario’s safety, it

was probable my former resentment might revive, and I would upbraid him

with having failed in his undertaking. I assured him, that on the

contrary, he should be dearer to me than ever, as I then should be

convinced he acted more on the principles of a man of honour than on

those of a mercenary assassin, and scorned to take away the life of an

adversary, how inveterate soever, which fortune had put in his power.

“Well, then madam,” said he, “whatever may have happened, I shall find

it no difficult matter to acquit myself in point of honour;” and took

his leave in order to inquire into the consequences of his duel. I was

now more sensible than ever of the degrees of guilt and misery; all the

affliction I had suffered hitherto was owing to my own credulity and

weakness, and my conscience could only accuse me of venial crimes; but

now that I looked upon myself as a murderer, it is impossible to

express the terrors of my imagination, which was incessantly haunted by

the image of the deceased, and my bosom stung with the most exquisite

agonies, of which I saw no end. At length, Horatio (for so I shall call

my new friend) returned, and telling me I had nothing to fear,

delivered into my hands a billet containing these words.

“Madam,

“As I understand it is of consequence to your peace, I take this

liberty to inform you, that the wounds I received from Horatio are

not mortal. This satisfaction my humanity could not deny, even to a

person who has endeavoured to disturb the repose as well as the

life of

“Lothario.”

‘Being well acquainted with this hand, I had no reason to suspect an

imposition in this letter, which I read over and over with a transport

of joy, and caressed Horatio so much that he appeared the happiest man

alive. Thus was I won from despair by the menaces of a greater

misfortune than that which depressed me. Griefs are like usurpers,—the

most powerful deposes all the rest. But my raptures were not lasting:

that very letter which in a manner re-established my tranquillity, in a

little time banished my peace. His unjust reproaches, while they waked

my resentment, recalled my former happiness, and filled my soul with

rage and sorrow. Horatio, perceiving the situation of my mind,

endeavoured to divert my chagrin, by treating me with all the

amusements and entertainments of the town. I was gratified with every

indulgence I could desire; introduced into the company of women in my

own situation, by whom an uncommon deference was paid to me; and I

began to lose all remembrance of my former condition, when an accident

brought it back to my view with all its interesting circumstances.

Diverting myself one day with some newspapers, which I had not before

perused, the following advertisement attracted my attention:

‘“Whereas a young gentlewoman disappeared from her father’s house in

the county of —, about the end of September, on account (as is

supposed) of some uneasiness of mind, and has not been as yet heard of.

Whoever will give any information about her to Mr. — of Gray’s Inn,

shall be handsomely rewarded; or if she will return to the arms of her

disconsolate parent, she will be received with the utmost tenderness,

whatever reason she may have to think otherwise, and may be the means

of prolonging the life of a father already weighed down almost to the

grave with age and sorrow.”

‘This pathetic remonstrance had such an effect on me, that I was fully

resolved to return, like the prodigal son, and implore the forgiveness

of him who gave me life; but, alas! Upon inquiry, I found he had paid

his debt to nature a month before, lamenting my absence to his last

hour, having left his fortune to a stranger, as a mark of his

resentment of my unkind and undutiful behaviour. Penetrated with

remorse on this occasion, I sank into the most profound melancholy, and

considered myself as the immediate cause of his death. I lost all

relish for company; and, indeed, most of my acquaintances no sooner

perceived my change of temper, than they abandoned me. Horatio,

disgusted at my insensibility, or from some other cause, became colder

and colder every day, till at last he left me altogether, without

making any apology for his conduct, or securing me against the miseries

of want, as a man of honour ought to have done, considering the share

he had in my ruin; for I afterwards learned, that the quarrel between

Lothario and him was a story trumped up to rid the one of my

importunities, and give the other a recommendation to me, which, it

seems, he desired, upon seeing me at the house of my seducer. Reduced

to this extremity, I cursed my own simplicity, uttered horrid

imprecations against the treachery of Horatio; and, as I became every

day more and more familiarised to the loss of innocence, resolved to be

revenged on the sex in general, by practising their own arts upon

themselves. Nor was an opportunity long wanting: an old gentlewoman,

under pretence of sympathising, visited me, and after having condoled

me on my misfortunes, and professed a disinterested friendship, began

to display the art of her occupation, in encomiums on my beauty, and

invectives against the wretch who had forsaken me; insinuating withal,

that it would be my own fault if I did not still make my fortune by the

extraordinary qualifications with which nature had endowed me. I soon

understood her drift, and gave her such encouragement to explain

herself, that we came to an agreement immediately to divide whatever

profits might accrue from such gallants as she should introduce to my

acquaintance. The first stroke of my dissimulation was practised upon a

certain judge, to whom I was recommended by this matron as an innocent

creature just arrived from the country.’

CHAPTER XXIII

Miss Williams interrupted by a bailiff, who carries her to the

Marshalsea—I accompany her—prove she is not the person named in the

writ—the bailiff is fain to discharge her—we shift our lodging—her

story, and my reflections thereupon—progress of a common woman of the

town—resolves to quit that way of life

Her story was here interrupted by a rap at the door, which I no sooner

opened, than three or four terrible fellows rushed in, one of whom

accosted my fellow-lodger thus: “Madam, your servant—you must do me the

favour to come along with me, I have a writ against you.” While the

bailiff (for so he was) spoke thus, his followers surrounded the

prisoner, and began to handle her very roughly. This treatment incensed

me so much, that I snatched up the poker and would certainly have used

it in defence of the lady, without any regard to the strength and

number of her adversaries, had she not begged me, with a composure of

countenance for which I could not account, to use no violence on her

behalf, which could be of no service to her, but might be very

detrimental to myself. Then turning to the leader of this formidable

troop, she desired to see the writ, and having perused it, said with a

faltering voice, “I am not the person whose name is here mentioned,

arrest me at your peril.” “Ay, ay, madam,” replied the catchpole. “We

shall prove your identity. In the meantime, whither will you be pleased

to be carried, to my house, or to jail?” “If I must be confined,” said

she, “I would rather be in your house than in a common jail.” “Well,

well,” answered he, “if you have money enough in your pocket, you shall

be entertained like a princess.” But when she acquainted him with her

poverty, he swore he never gave credit, and ordered one of his

myrmidons to call a coach, to carry her to the Marshalsea at once.

While they waited for the convenience, she took me aside, and bade me

be under no concern on her account, for she knew how to extricate

herself from this difficulty very soon, and perhaps gain something by

the occasion. Although her discourse was a mystery to me, I was very

well pleased with her assurance; and when the coach came to the door, I

offered to accompany her to prison, to which proposal, after much

entreaty, she consented.

When we arrived at the gate of the Marshalsea, our conductor alighted,

and having demanded entrance, presented the writ to the turnkey, who no

sooner perceived the name of Elizabeth Cary than he cried, “Ah, ah: my

old acquaintance Bet! I’m glad to see thee with all my heart.” So

saying, he opened the coach door, and helped her to dismount; but when

he observed her face, he started back, saying, “Who have we got here?”

The bailiff, alarmed at this interrogation, cried with some emotion,

“Who should it be but the prisoner, Elizabeth Cary?” The turnkey

replied, “That Elizabeth Cary! I’ll be hanged if that’s Elizabeth Cary

more than my grandmother.” Here the lady thought fit to interpose, and

tell the catchpole, if he had taken her word for it at first, he might

have saved himself and her a great deal of trouble. “It may be so,”

answered he, “but I’ll have further evidence that you are not the

person, before you and I part.” “Yes, yes,” said she, “you shall have

further evidence, to your cost.” Then we adjourned into the lodge, and

called for a bottle of wine, where my companion wrote a direction to

two of her acquaintance, and begged the favour of me to go to their

lodgings, and request them to come to her immediately. I found them

together at a house in Brydges Street, Drury Lane, and as they were

luckily unengaged, they set out with me in a hackney-coach without

hesitation, after I had related the circumstances of the affair, which

flattered them with the hopes of seeing a bailiff trounced; for there

is an antipathy as natural between women of that class and bailiffs, as

that subsisting between mice and cats. Accordingly, when they entered

the lodge, they embraced the prisoner very affectionately by the name

of Nancy Williams, and asked how long she had been nabbed, and for

what? On hearing the particulars of her adventure repeated, they

offered to swear before a justice of peace that she was not the person

mentioned in the writ, whom, it seems, they all knew; but the bailiff,

who was by the time convinced of his mistake, told them he would not

put them to that trouble. “Ladies,” said he, “there’s no harm done—you

shall give me leave to treat you with another bottle, and then we’ll

part friends.” This proposal was not at all relished by the sisterhood:

and Miss Williams told him, sure he did not imagine her such a fool as

to be satisfied with a paltry glass of sour wine? Here the turnkey

interrupted her by affirming with an oath, that the wine was as good as

ever was tipped over tongue. “Well,” continued she, “that may be, but

were it the best of champagne, it is no recompense for the damage I

have suffered both in character and health, by being wrongfully dragged

to jail; at this rate, no innocent person is safe, since an officer of

justice, out of malice, private pique, or mistake, may injure and

oppress the subject with impunity; but, thank heaven, I live under the

protection of laws that will not suffer such insults to pass

unpunished, and I know very well how to procure redress.” Mr. Vulture,

for that was the bailiff’s name, finding he had to deal with one who

would not be imposed upon, began to look very sullen and perplexed,

and, leaning his forehead on his hand, entered into a deliberation with

himself, which lasted a few minutes, and then broke out in a volley of

dreadful curses against the old jade our landlady, as he called her,

for having misinformed him. After much wrangling and swearing, the

matter was referred to the decision of the turnkey, who calling for the

other bottle, mulcted the bailiff in all the liquor that had been

drunk, coach hire, and a couple of guineas for the use of the

plaintiff. The money was immediately deposited; Miss Williams gratified

the two evidences with one half, and putting the other in her pocket

drove home with me, leaving the catchpole grumbling over his loss, yet

pleased in the main, for having so cheaply got clear of a business that

might have cost him ten times the sum, and his place to boot. This

guinea was a very seasonable relief to us, who were reduced to great

necessity, six of my shirts, and almost all my clothes, except those on

my back, having been either pawned or sold for our maintenance before

this happened. As we resented the behaviour of our landlady, our first

care was to provide ourselves with another lodging, whither we removed

next day, with an intention to keep ourselves as retired as possible,

until our cure should be completed. When we were fixed in our new

habitation, I entreated her to finish the story of her life, which she

pursued in this manner:—

‘The success of our experiment on the judge encouraged us to practice

the same deceit on others; but this harvest lasted not long, my

character taking air, and my directress deserting me for some new game.

Then I took lodgings near Charing-Cross, at two guineas a week, and

began to entertain company in a public manner; but my income being too

small to defray my expenses, I was obliged to retrench, and enter into

articles with the porters of certain taverns, who undertook to find

employment enough for me, provided I would share my profits with them.

Accordingly, I was almost every night engaged with company, among whom

I was exposed to every mortification, danger, and abuse, that flow from

drunkenness and brutality. As my spirit was not sufficiently humbled to

the will, nor my temper calculated for the conversation of my gallants,

it was impossible for me to overcome an aversion I felt for my

profession, which manifested itself in a settled gloom on my

countenance, and disgusted those sons of mirth and riot so much, that I

was frequently used in a shocking manner, and kicked down stairs with

disgrace. The messengers, seeing me disagreeable to their benefactors

and employers, seldom troubled me with a call, and I began to find

myself almost totally neglected.

‘To contribute towards my support I was fain to sell my watch, rings,

trinkets, with the best part of my clothes; and I was one evening

musing by myself on misery before me when I received a message from a

tavern, whither I repaired in a chair, and was introduced to a

gentleman dressed like an officer, with whom I supped in a sumptuous

manner. In the morning, when I awoke, I found my gallant had got up,

and, drawing aside the curtain, could not perceive him in the room. I

waited a full hour for his return, and then in the greatest perplexity,

rose up and rang the bell. When the waiter came to the door, he found

it locked, and desired admittance, which I granted, after observing,

with great surprise, that the key remained on the inside, as when we

went to bed. I no sooner inquired for the captain, than the fellow,

staring with a distracted look, cried, “How, madam, is he not abed?”

And when he was satisfied as to that particular, ran into a closet

adjoining to the chamber, the window of which he found open. Through

this the adventurer had got upon a wall, from whence he dropped down

into a court and escaped, leaving me to be answerable not only for the

reckoning, but also for a large silver tankard and posset-bowl, which

he had carried off with him.

‘It is impossible to describe the consternation I was under, when I saw

myself detained as a thief’s accomplice; for I was looked upon in that

light, and carried before a justice, who mistaking my confusion for a

sign of guilt committed me, after a short examination, to Bridewell,

having admonished me, as the only means to save my life, to turn

evidence, and impeach my confederate. I now concluded the vengeance of

Heaven had overtaken me, and that I must soon finish my career by an

ignominious death. This reflection sank so deep into my soul, that I

was for some days deprived of my reason, and actually believed myself

in hell, tormented by fiends. Indeed, there needs not a very

extravagant imagination to form that idea: for of all the scenes on

earth that of Bridewell approaches nearest the notion I had always

entertained of the regions. Here I saw nothing but rage, anguish and

impiety, and heard nothing but groans, curses, and blasphemy. In the

midst of this hellish crew, I was subjected to the tyranny of a

barbarian, who imposed upon me tasks that I could not possibly perform,

and then punished my incapacity with the utmost rigour and inhumanity.

I was often whipped into a swoon, and lashed out of it (during which

miserable interval, I was robbed by my fellow-prisoners of everything

about me, even to my cap, shoes, and stockings): I was not only

destitute of necessaries, but even of food, so that my wretchedness was

extreme. Not one of my acquaintance to whom I imparted my situation,

would grant me the least succour or regard, on pretence of my being

committed for theft, and my landlord refused to part with some of my

own clothes which I sent for, because I was indebted to him for a

week’s lodging.

‘Overwhelmed with calamity, I grew desperate, and resolved to put an

end to my grievances and life together: for this purpose I got up in

the middle of the night, when I thought everybody around me asleep, and

fixing one end of a large hook in the ceiling, that supported the

scales on which the hemp is weighed, I stood upon a chair, and making a

noose on the other end, put my neck into it, with an intention to hang

myself; but before I could adjust the knot I was surprised and

prevented by two women, who had been awake all the while and suspected

my design. In the morning, my attempt was published among the prisoners

and punished with thirty stripes, the pain of which, co-operating with

my disappointment and disgrace, bereft me of my senses, and threw me

into an ecstacy of madness, during which I tore the flesh from my bones

with my teeth, and dashed my head against the pavement; so that they

were obliged to set a watch over me, to restrain me from doing further

mischief to myself and others. This fit of frenzy continued three days,

at the end of which I grew calm and sullen: but as the desire of making

away with myself still remained, I came to a determination of starving

myself to death, and with that view refused all sustenance.

‘Whether it was owing to the want of opposition, or to the weakness of

nature, I know not; but on the second day of my fast, I found my

resolution considerably impaired, and the calls of hunger almost

insupportable. At this critical conjuncture a lady was brought into the

prison, with whom I had contracted an acquaintance while I lived with

Horatio; she was then on the same footing as I was, but afterwards

quarrelling with her gallant, and not finding another to her mind,

altered her scheme of life, and set up a coffee-house among the

hundreds in Drury, where she entertained gentlemen with claret, arrack,

and the choice of half-a-dozen damsels who lived in her house. This

serviceable matron having neglected to gratify a certain justice for

the connivance she enjoyed, was indicted at the quarter sessions, in

consequence of which her bevy was dispersed, and herself committed to

Bridewell. She had not been long there before she learned my disaster,

and coming up to me, after a compliment of condolence, inquired into

the particulars of my fate. While we were engaged in discourse

together, the master came and told me, that the fellow on whose account

I had suffered was taken, that he had confessed the theft, and cleared

me of any concern in the affair; for which reason he, the master, had

orders to discharge me, and that I was from that moment free.

‘This piece of news soon banished all thoughts of death, and had such

an instantaneous effect on my countenance, that Mrs. Coupler (the lady

then present), hoping to find her account in me, very generously

offered to furnish me with what necessaries I wanted, and take me into

her own house as soon as she could compromise matters with the

justices. The conditions of her offer were, that I should pay three

guineas weekly for my board, and a reasonable consideration besides,

for the use of such clothes and ornaments as she should supply me with,

to be deducted from the first profits of my occupation. These were hard

terms, but not to be rejected by one who was turned out helpless and

naked into the wide world, without a friend to pity or assist her. I

therefore embraced her proposal, and she being bailed in a few hours,

took me home with her in a coach. As I was by this time conscious of

having formerly disgusted my admirers by my reserved loud haughty

behaviour, I now endeavoured to conquer that disposition, and the

sudden change of my fortune giving me a flow of spirits, I appeared in

the most winning and gay manner I could assume. Having the advantage of

a good voice and education, I exerted my talents to the uttermost, and

soon became the favourite with all company. This success alarmed the

pride and jealousy of Mrs. Coupler, who could not bear the thoughts of

being eclipsed: she therefore made a merit of her envy, and whispered

among the customers that I was unsound. There needed no more to ruin my

reputation and blast my prosperity; everybody shunned me with marks of

aversion and disdain, and in a very short time I was as solitary as

ever. Want of gallants was attended with want of money to satisfy my

malicious landlady, who having purposely given me credit to the amount

of eleven pounds, took out a writ against me and I was arrested in her

own house. Though the room was crowded with people when the bailiff

entered, not one of them had compassion enough to mollify my

prosecutrix, far less to pay the debt; they even laughed at my tears,

and one of them bade me be of good cheer, for I should not want

admirers in Newgate.

‘At this instant a sea-lieutenant came in, and seeing my plight, began

to inquire into the circumstances of my misfortune. “Harkee, my girl,”

he inquired “how far have you overrun the constable?” I told him that

the debt amounted to eleven pounds, besides the expenses of the writ.

“An that be all,” said he, “you shan’t go to the bilboes this bout.”

And taking out his purse, he paid the money, discharged the bailiff,

and telling me I had got into the wrong port, advised me to seek out a

more convenient harbour, where I could be safely hove down; for which

purpose he made me a present of five guineas more. I was so touched

with this singular piece of generosity, that for some time I had not

power to thank him. However, as soon as I recollected myself, I begged

the favour of him to go with me to the next tavern, where I explained

the nature of my disaster, and convinced him of the falsehood of what

was reported to my prejudice so effectually, that he from that moment

attached himself to me, and we lived in great harmony together, until

he was obliged to go to sea, where he perished in a storm.

‘Having lost my benefactor, and almost consumed the remains of his

bounty, I saw myself in danger of relapsing into my former necessity,

and began to be very uneasy at the prospect of bailiffs and jails! when

one of the sisterhood advised me to take lodgings in a part of the town

where I was unknown, and pass for an heiress, by which artifice I might

entrap somebody to be my husband, who would possibly be able to allow

me a handsome maintenance, or at worst screen me from the dread and

danger of a prison, by becoming liable for whatever debts I should

contract. I approved of this scheme, towards the execution of which my

companion clubbed her wardrobe, and undertook to live with me in

quality of my maid, with the proviso that she should be reimbursed and

handsomely considered out of the profits of my success. She was

immediately detached to look out for a convenient place, and that very

day hired a genteel apartment in Park Street, whither I moved in a

coach loaded with her baggage, and my own. I made my first appearance

in a blue riding habit trimmed with silver; and my maid acted her part

so artfully, that in a day or two my fame spread all over the

neighbourhood, and I was said to be a rich heiress just arrived from

the country. This report brought a swarm of gay young fellows about me;

but I soon found them to be all indigent adventurers like myself, who

crowded to me like crows to a carrion, with a view of preying upon my

fortune. I maintained, however, the appearance of wealth as long as

possible, in hopes of gaining some admirer more for my purpose, and at

length attracted the regard of one who would have satisfied my wishes,

and managed matters so well, that a day was actually fixed for our

nuptials. In the interim, he begged leave to introduce an intimate

friend to me, which request, as I could not refuse, I had the extreme

mortification and surprise to see, next night, in that friend, my old

keeper Horatio, who no sooner beheld me than he changed colour, but had

presence of mind to advance and salute me, bidding me (with a low

voice) be under no apprehension, for he would not expose me. In spite

of his assurance, I could not recover myself so far as to entertain

them, but withdrew to my chamber on pretence of a severe headache, to

the no small concern of my adorer, who took his leave in the tenderest

manner, and went off with his friend.

‘Having imparted my situation to my companion, she found it high time

for us to decamp, and that without any noise, because we were not only

indebted to our landlady, but also to several tradesmen in the

neighbourhood. Our retreat, therefore, was concerted and executed in

this manner: Having packed up all our clothes and moveables in small

parcels, she (on pretence of fetching cordials for me) carried them at

several times to the house of an acquaintance, where she likewise

procured a lodging, to which we retired in the middle of the night,

when every other body in the house was asleep. I was now obliged to aim

at lower game, and accordingly spread my nets among tradespeople, but

found them all too phlegmatic or cautious for my art and attractions,

till at last I became acquainted with you, on whom I practised all my

dexterity; not that I believed you had any fortune, or expectation of

me, but that I might transfer the burden of such debts as I had

incurred, or should contract, from myself to another, and at the same

time avenge myself of your sex, by rendering miserable one who bore

such resemblance to the wretch who ruined me; but Heaven preserved you

from my snares by the discovery you made, which was owing to the

negligence of my maid in leaving the chamber-door unlocked when she

went to buy sugar for breakfast. When I found myself detected and

forsaken by you, I was fain to move my lodging, and dwell two pair of

stairs higher than before. My companion, being disappointed in her

expectations, left me, and I had no other resource than to venture

forth, like the owls in the dark, to pick up a precarious and

uncomfortable subsistence. I have often sauntered between Ludgate Hill

and Charing Cross a whole winter night, exposed not only to the

inclemency of the weather, but likewise to the rage of hunger and

thirst, without being so happy as to meet with one dupe, then creep up

to my garret, in a deplorable draggled condition, sneak to bed, and try

to bury my appetite and sorrows in sleep. When I lighted on some rake

or tradesman reeling home drunk, I frequently suffered the most brutal

treatment, in spite of which I was obliged to affect gaiety and good

humour, though my soul was stung with resentment and disdain, and my

heart loaded with grief and affliction. In the course of these

nocturnal adventures, I was infected with the disease, that in a short

time rendered me the object of my own abhorrence, and drove me to the

retreat where your benevolence rescued me from the jaws of death.’

So much candour and good sense appeared in this lady’s narration, that

I made no scruple of believing every syllable of what she said, and

expressed my astonishment at the variety of miseries she had undergone

in so little time, for all her misfortunes had happened within the

compass of two years; I compared her situation with my own, and found

it a thousand times more wretched. I had endured hardships, ’tis

true—my whole life had been a series of such; and when I looked

forward, the prospect was not much bettered, but then they were become

habitual to me, and consequently I could bear them with less

difficulty. If one scheme of life should not succeed, I could have

recourse to another, and so to a third, veering about to a thousand

different shifts, according to the emergencies of my fate, without

forfeiting the dignity of my character beyond a power of retrieving it,

or subjecting myself wholly to the caprice and barbarity of the world.

On the other hand, she had known and relished the sweets of prosperity,

she had been brought up under the wings of an indulgent parent, in all

the delicacies to which her sex and rank entitled her; and without any

extravagance of hope, entertained herself with the view of

uninterrupted happiness through the whole scene of life. How fatal

then, how tormenting, how intolerable, must her reverse of fortune

be!—a reverse, that not only robs her of these external comforts, and

plunges her into all the miseries of want, but also murders her peace

of mind, and entails upon her the curse of eternal infamy! Of all

professions I pronounced that of a courtesan the most deplorable, and

her of all courtesans the most unhappy. She allowed my observation to

be just in the main, but at the same time affirmed that notwithstanding

the disgraces which had fallen to her share, she had not been so

unlucky in the condition of a prostitute as many others of the same

community. “I have often seen,” said she, “while I strolled about the

streets at midnight, a number of naked wretches reduced to rags and

filth, huddled together like swine, in the corner of a dark alley, some

of whom, but eighteen months before, I had known the favourites of the

town, rolling in affluence, and glittering in all the pomp of equipage

and dress. Miserable wretch that I am! perhaps the same horrors are

decreed for me!” “No!” cried she, after some pause, “I shall never live

to such extremity of distress; my own hand shall open a way for my

deliverance, before I arrive at that forlorn period!” Her condition

filled me with sympathy and compassion: I revered her qualifications,

looked upon her as unfortunate, not criminal, and attended her with

such care and success, that in less than two months her health, as well

as my own, was perfectly re-established. As we often conferred upon our

mutual affairs, and interchanged advice, a thousand different projects

were formed, which, upon further canvassing, appeared impracticable. We

would have gladly gone to service, but who would take us in without

recommendation? At length an expedient occurred to her, of which she

intended to lay hold; and this was, to procure with the first money she

should earn, the homely garb of a country wench, go to some village at

a good distance from town, and come up in a waggon, as a fresh girl for

service: by which means she might be provided for, in a manner much

more suitable to her inclination than her present way of life.

CHAPTER XXIV

I am reduced to a great misery—assaulted on Tower Hill by a press-gang,

who put me on board a tender—my usage there—my arrival on board at a

man-of-war, where I am put in irons, and released by the good offices

of Mr. Thompson, who recommends me as assistant to the surgeon—-he

relates his own story—characters of the captain, surgeon, and first

mate

I applauded the resolution of Miss Williams, who a few days after, was

hired in quality of bar-keeper, by one of the ladies who had witnessed

in her behalf at the Marshalsea, and who since that time had got credit

with a wine merchant, whose favourite she was, to set up a convenient

house of her own. Thither my fellow-lodger repaired, after having taken

leave of me with a torrent of tears, and a thousand protestations of

eternal gratitude; assuring me she would remain in this situation no

longer than she could pick up money sufficient to put her other design

in execution.

As for my own part, I saw no resource but the army or navy, between

which I hesitated so long that I found myself reduced to a starving

condition. My spirit began to accommodate itself to my beggarly fate,

and I became so mean as to go down towards Wapping, with an intention

to inquire for an old schoolfellow, who, I understood, had got the

command of a small coasting vessel then in the river, and implore his

assistance. But my destiny prevented this abject piece of behaviour;

for as I crossed Tower Wharf, a squat tawny fellow with a hanger by his

side, and a cudgel in his hand came up to me, calling, “Yo ho! brother,

you must come along with me.” As I did not like his appearance, instead

of answering his salutation, I quickened my pace, in hope of ridding

myself of his company; upon which he whistled aloud, and immediately

another sailor appeared before me, who laid hold of me by the collar,

and began to drag me along. Not being in a humour to relish such

treatment, I disengaged myself of the assailant, and, with one blow of

my cudgel, laid him motionless on the ground; and perceiving myself

surrounded in a trice by ten or a dozen more, exerted myself with such

dexterity and success, that some of my opponents were fain to attack me

with drawn cutlasses; and after an obstinate engagement, in which I

received a large wound on my head, and another on my left cheek, I was

disarmed, taken prisoner, and carried on board a pressing tender,

where, after being pinioned like a malefactor, I was thrust down into

the hold among a parcel of miserable wretches, the sight of whom well

nigh distracted me. As the commanding officer had not humanity enough

to order my wounds to be dressed, and I could not use my own hands, I

desired one of my fellow captives who was unfettered, to take a

handkerchief out of my pocket, and tie it round my head, to stop the

bleeding. He pulled out my handkerchief, ’tis true, but instead of

applying it to the use for which I designed it, went to the grating of

the hatchway, and, with astonishing composure, sold it before my face

to a bumboat woman (1) then on board, for a quart of gin, with which he

treated his companions, regardless of my circumstances and entreaties.

(1) A Bumboat woman is one who sells bread, cheese, greens, liquor, and

fresh potatoes to the sailors, in a small boat that lies alongside the

ship

I complained bitterly of this robbery to the midshipman on deck,

telling him at the same time, that unless my hurts were dressed, I

should bleed to death. But compassion was a weakness of which no man

could justly accuse this person, who, squirting a mouthful of dissolved

tobacco upon me through the gratings, told me “I was a mutinous dog,

and that I might die for anything he cared!” Finding there was no other

remedy, I appealed to patience, and laid up this usage in my memory, to

be called at a more fitting opportunity. In the meantime, loss of

blood, vexation, and want of food, contributed, with the noisome stench

of the place, to throw me into a swoon, out of which I was recovered by

a tweak of the nose, administered by the tar who stood sentinel over

us, who at the same time regaled me with a draught of flip, and

comforted me with the hopes of being put on board of the Thunder next

day, where I should be freed of my handcuffs, and cured of my wounds by

the doctor. I no sooner heard him name the Thunder, than I asked if he

had belonged to that ship long; and be giving me to understand he had

belonged to her five years, I inquired if he knew Lieutenant Bowling?

“Know Lieutenant Bowling!” said he, “Odds my life! and that I do; and a

good seaman he is as ever stepped upon forecastle, and a brave fellow

as ever cracked biscuit—none of your Guinea pigs, nor your fresh water,

wish-washy, fair-weather fowls. Many a taut gale of wind have honest

Tom Bowling and I weathered together. Here’s his health, with all my

heart: wherever he is, a-loft, or a-low, the lieutenant needs not be

ashamed to show himself.” I was so much affected with this eulogium,

that I could not refrain from telling him that I was Lieutenant

Bowling’s kinsman; in consequence of which connection, he expressed his

inclination to serve me, and when he was relieved, brought some cold

boiled beef in a platter, and biscuit, on which we supped plentifully,

and afterwards drank another can of flip together. While we were thus

engaged, he recounted a great many exploits of my uncle, who, I found,

was very much beloved by the ship’s company, and pitied for the

misfortune that had happened to him in Hispaniola, which I was very

glad to be informed was not so great as I imagined; for Captain Oakum

had recovered of his wounds, and actually at that time commanded the

ship. Having by accident, in my pocket, my uncle’s letter, written from

Port Louis, I gave it my benefactor (whose name was Jack Rattlin) for

his perusal; but honest Jack told me frankly he could not read, and

desired to know the contents, which I immediately communicated. When he

heard that part of it in which he says he had written to his landlord

in Deal, he cried, “Body o’ me! that was old Ben Block; he was dead

before the letter came to hand. Ey, ey, had Ben been alive, Lieutenant

Bowling would have had no occasion to skulk so long. Honest Ben was the

first man that taught him to hand, reef, and steer. Well, well, we must

all die, that’s certain—we must all come to port sooner or later, at

sea or on shore—we must be fast moored one day: death’s like the best

bower anchor, as the saying is—it will bring us all up.” I could not

but signify my approbation of the justness of Jack’s reflections, and

inquired into the occasion of the quarrel between Captain Oakum and my

uncle, which he explained in this manner: “Captain Oakum, to be sure,

is a good man enough—besides, he’s my commander; but what’s that to me?

I do my duty, and value no man’s anger of a rope’s end. Now the report

goes, as how he’s a lord, or baron knight’s brother, whereby (d’ye see

me,) he carries a straight arm, and keeps aloof from his officers,

though mayhap they may be as good men in the main as he. Now we lying

at anchor in Tuberon Bay, Lieutenant Bowling had the middle watch, and

as he always kept a good look out, he made (d’ye see) three lights in

the offing, whereby he ran down to the great cabin for orders, and

found the captain asleep; whereupon he waked him, which put him in a

main high passion, and he swore woundily at the lieutenant, and called

him lousy Scotch son of a whore (for, I being then sentinel in the

steerage, heard all), and swab, and lubber, whereby the lieutenant

returned the salute, and they jawed together fore and aft a good spell,

till at last the captain turned out, and, laying hold of a rattan, came

athwart Mr. Bowling’s quarter: whereby he told the captain that, if he

was not his commander, he would heave him overboard, and demanded

satisfaction ashore; whereby in the morning watch, the captain went

ashore in the pinnace, and afterwards the lieutenant carried the cutter

ashore, and so they, leaving the boats’ crews on their oars, went away

together; and so (d’ye see) in less than a quarter of an hour we heard

firing, whereby we made for the place, and found the captain lying

wounded on the beach, and so brought him on board to the doctor, who

cured him in less than six weeks. But the lieutenant clapped on all the

sail he could bear, and had got far enough ahead before we knew

anything of the matter; so that we could never after get sight of him,

for which we were not sorry, because the captain was mainly wrath, and

would certainly have done him a mischief; for he afterwards caused him

to be run on the ship’s books, whereby he lost all his pay, and, if he

should be taken, would be tried as a deserter.”

This account of the captain’s behaviour gave me no advantageous idea of

his character; and I could not help lamenting my own fate, that had

subjected me to such a commander. However, making a virtue of

necessity, I put a good face on the matter, and next day, was, with the

other pressed men, put on board of the “Thunder,” lying at the Nore.

When we came alongside, the mate, who guarded us thither, ordered my

handcuffs to be taken off, that I might get on board the easier; this

circumstance being perceived by some of the company who stood upon the

gangboard to see us enter, one of them called to Jack Rattlin, who was

busied in doing this friendly office for me, “Hey, Jack, what Newgate

galley have you boarded in the river as you came along? Have we not

thieves enow among us already?” Another, observing my wounds, which

remained exposed to the air, told me, my seams were uncaulked, and that

I must be new payed. A third, seeing my hair clotted together with

blood, as it were into distinct cords, took notice, that my bows were

mended with the red ropes, instead of my side. A fourth asked me, if I

could not keep my yards square without iron braces? And, in short, a

thousand witticisms of the same nature were passed upon me before I

could get up the ship’s side.

After we had been all entered upon the ship’s books, I inquired of one

of my shipmates where the surgeon was, that I might have my wounds

dressed, and had actually got as far as the middle deck (for our ship

carried eighty guns), in my way to the cockpit, when I was met by the

same midshipman who had used me so barbarously in the tender: he,

seeing me free from my chains, asked, with an insolent air, who had

released me? To this question, I foolishly answered, with a countenance

that too plainly declared the state of my thoughts, “Whoever did it, I

am persuaded did not consult you in the affair.” I had no sooner

uttered these words, than he cried, “Damn you, you saucy son of a

hitch, I’ll teach you to talk so to your officer.” So saying, he

bestowed on me several severe stripes with a supple jack he had in his

hand: and, going to the commanding officer, made such a report of me,

that I was immediately put in irons by the master-at-arms, and a

sentinel placed over me. Honest Rattlin, as soon as he heard of my

condition, came to me, and administered all the consolation he could,

and then went to the surgeon in my behalf, who sent one of his mates to

dress my wounds. This mate was no other than my old friend Thompson,

with whom I became acquainted at the Navy Office, as before mentioned.

If I knew him at first sight, it was not easy for him to recognise me,

disfigured with blood and dirt, and altered by the misery I had

undergone. Unknown as I was to him, he surveyed me with looks of

compassion, and handled my sores with great tenderness. When he had

applied what he thought proper, and was about to leave me, I asked him

if my misfortunes had disguised me so much that he could not recollect

my face? Upon this address he observed me with great earnestness for

some time, and at length protested he could not recollect one feature

of my countenance. To keep him no longer in suspense, I told him my

name, which when he heard, he embraced me with affection, and professed

his sorrow at seeing me in such a disagreeable situation. I made him

acquainted with my story, and, when he heard how inhumanly I had been

used in the tender, he left me abruptly, assuring me I should see him

again soon. I had scarce time to wonder at his sudden departure, when

the master-at-arms came to the place of my confinement, and bade me

follow him to the quarter-deck, where I was examined by the first

lieutenant, who commanded the ship in the absence of the captain,

touching the treatment I had received in the tender from my friend the

midshipman, who was present to confront me.

I recounted the particulars of his behaviour to me, not only in the

tender, but since my being on board the ship, part of which being

proved by the evidence of Jack Rattlin and others, who had no great

devotion for my oppressor, I was discharged from confinement, to make

way for him, who was delivered to the master-at-arms to take his turn

in the bilboes. And this was not the only satisfaction I enjoyed, for I

was, at the request of the surgeon, exempted from all other duty than

that of assisting his mates, in making and administering medicines to

the sick. This good office I owed to the friendship of Mr. Thompson,

who had represented me in such a favourable light to the surgeon, that

he demanded me of the lieutenant to supply the place of his third mate,

who was lately dead. When I had obtained this favour, my friend

Thompson carried me down to the cockpit, which is the place allotted

for the habitation of the surgeon’s mates; and when he had shown me

their berth (as he called it), I was filled with astonishment and

horror, We descended by divers ladders to a space as dark as a dungeon,

which, I understood, was immersed several feet under water, being

immediately above the hold. I had no sooner approached this dismal

gulph, than my nose was saluted with an intolerable stench of putrified

cheese and rancid butter, that issued from an apartment at the foot of

the ladder, resembling a chandler’s shop, where, by the faint

glimmering of a candle, I could perceive a man with a pale, meagre

countenance, sitting behind a kind of desk, having spectacles on his

nose, and a pen in his hand. This (I learned of Mr. Thompson) was the

ship’s steward, who sat there to distribute provision to the several

messes, and to mark what each received. He therefore presented my name

to him, and desired I might be entered in his mess; then, taking a

light in his hand, conducted me to the place of his residence, which

was a square of about six feet, surrounded with the medicine-chest,

that of the first mate, his own, and a board by way of table fastened

to the after powder room; it was also inclosed with canvas nailed round

to the beams of the ship, to screen us from the cold, as well as from

the view of the midshipmen and quartermaster, who lodged within the

cable-tiers on each side of us. In this gloomy mansion he entertained

me with some cold salt pork, which he brought from a sort of locker,

fixed above the table: and calling for the boy of the mess, sent for a

can of beer, of which he made excellent flip to crown the banquet.

By this time I began to recover my spirits, which had been exceedingly

depressed with the appearance of everything about me, and could no

longer refrain from asking the particulars of Mr. Thompson’s fortune

since I had seen him in London. He told me, that being disappointed in

his expectations of borrowing money to gratify the rapacious s—t—ry at

the Navy Office, he found himself utterly unable to subsist any longer

in town, and had actually offered his service, in quality of mate, to

the surgeon of a merchant ship, bound to Guinea on the slaving trade;

when, one morning, a young fellow, of whom he had some acquaintance,

came to his lodgings, and informed him that he had seen a warrant made

out in his name at the Navy Office, for surgeon’s second mate of a

third-rate. This unexpected piece of good news he could scarcely

believe to be true, more especially as he had been found qualified at

Surgeons’ Hall for third mate only; but that he might not be wanting to

himself, he went thither to be assured, and actually found it so:

whereupon, demanding his warrant, it was delivered to him, and the

oaths administered immediately. That very afternoon he went to

Gravesend in the tilt-boat, from whence he took place in the tide-coach

for Rochester; next morning got on board the “Thunder,” for which he

was appointed, then lying in the harbour at Chatham; and the same day

was mustered by the clerk of the checque. And well it was for him that

such expedition was used; for, in less than twelve hours after his

arrival, another William Thompson came on board, affirming that he was

the person for whom the warrant was expedited, and that the other was

an impostor.

My friend was grievously alarmed at this accident, the more so, as his

namesake had very much the advantage over him both in assurance and

dress. However, to acquit himself of the suspicion of imposture, he

produced several letters written from Scotland to him in that name,

and, recollecting that his indentures were in a box on board, he

brought them up, and convinced all present that he had not assumed a

name which did not belong to him. His competitor, enraged that they

should hesitate in doing him justice (for to be sure the warrant had

been designed for him), behaved with so much indecent heat, that the

commanding officer (who was the same gentleman I had seen) and the

surgeon were offended at his presumption, and making a point of it with

their friends in town, in less than a week got the first confirmed in

his station. “I have been on board,” said he, “ever since; and, as this

way of life is becoming familiar to me, have no cause to complain of my

situation. The surgeon is a good-natured, indolent man; the first mate

(who is now on shore on duty) is indeed a little proud and choleric, as

all Welshmen are, but in the main a friendly honest fellow. The

lieutenants I have no concern with; and, as for the captain, he is too

much of a gentleman to know a surgeon’s mate, even by sight.”

CHAPTER XXV

The behaviour of Mr. Morgan—his pride, displeasure, and generosity—the

economy of our mess described—Thomson’s further friendship—the nature

of my duty explained—the situation of the sick

While he was thus discoursing to me, we heard a voice on the cockpit

ladder pronounce with great vehemence, in a strange dialect, “The devil

and his dam blow me from the top of Monchdenny, if I go to him before

there is something in my pelly. Let his nose be as yellow as saffron,

or as plue as a pell (look you), or as green as a leek, ’tis all one.”

To this declaration somebody answered, “So it seems my poor messmate

must part his cable for want of a little assistance. His foretopsail is

loose already; and besides the doctor ordered you to overhaul him; but

I see you don’t mind what your master says.” Here he was interrupted

with, “Splutter and cons! you lousy tog, who do you call my master? Get

you gone to the doctor, and tell him my birth, and education, and my

abilities; and moreover, my behaviour is as good as his, or any

shentleman’s (no disparagement to him,) in the whole world. Cot pless

my soul I does he think, or conceive, or imagine, that I am a horse, or

an ass, or a goat, to trudge backwards and forwards, and upwards and

downwards, and by sea and by land; at his will and pleasure? Go your

ways, you rapscallion, and tell Doctor Atkins that I desire and request

that he will give a look upon the tying man, and order something for

him, if he be dead or alive, and I will see him take it by and by, when

my craving stomach is satisfied, look you.” At this, the other went

away, saying, “that if they should serve him so when he was dying, by

God he would be foul of them in the other world.” Here Mr. Thompson let

me know, that the person we heard was Mr. Morgan, the first mate, who

was just come on board from the hospital, whither he had attended some

of the sick in the morning; at the same time I saw him come into the

berth. He was a short thick man, with a face garnished with pimples, a

snub nose turned up at the end, an excessive wide mouth, and little

fiery eyes, surrounded with skin puckered up in innumerable wrinkles.

My friend immediately made him acquainted with my case; when he

regarded me with a very lofty look, but without speaking, set down a

bundle he had in his hand, and approached the cupboard, which, when he

had opened, he exclaimed in a great passion, “Cot is my life, all the

pork is gone, as I am a Christian!” Thompson then gave him to

understand, that, as I had been brought on board half famished, he

could do no less than to entertain me with what was in the locker, and

the rather as he had bid the steward enter me in the mess. Whether this

disappointment made Mr. Morgan more peevish than usual, or he really

thought himself too little regarded by his fellow mate, I know not, but

after some pause, he went on in this manner: “Mr. Thompson, perhaps you

do not use me with all the good manners, and complaisance, and respect

(look you,) that becomes you, because you have not vouchsafed to advise

with me in this affair. I have in my time (look you,) been a man of

some weight, and substance, and consideration, and have kept house and

home, and paid scot and lot, and the king’s taxes; ay, and maintained a

family to boot. And moreover, also, I am your senior, and your older,

and your petter, Mr. Thompson.” “My elder, I’ll allow you to be, but

not my better!” cried Thompson, with some heat. “Cot is my Saviour, and

witness too,” said Morgan, with great vehemence, “that I am more elder,

and therefore more petter by many years than you.” Fearing this dispute

might be attended with some bad consequence, I interposed, and told Mr.

Morgan I was very sorry for having been the occasion of any difference

between him and the second mate; and that, rather than cause the least

breach in their good understanding, I would eat my allowance to myself,

or seek admission into some other company. But Thompson, with more

spirit than discretion (as I thought), insisted upon my remaining where

he had appointed me; and observed that no man, possessed of generosity

and compassion, would have any objection to it, considering my birth

and talents, and the misfortunes I had of late so unjustly undergone.

This was touching Mr. Morgan on the right key, who protested with great

earnestness, that he had no objection to my being received in the mess;

but only complained that the ceremony of asking his consent was not

observed. “As for a sheltenman in distress,” said he, shaking me by the

hand, “I lofe him as I lofe my own powels: for, Cot help me! I have had

vexations enough upon my own pack.” And as I afterwards learned, in so

saying, he spoke no more than what was true; for he had been once

settled in a very good situation in Glamorganshire, and was ruined by

being security for an acquaintance. All differences being composed, he

untied his bundle, which consisted of three bunches of onions, and a

great lump of Cheshire cheese, wrapped up in a handkerchief: and,

taking some biscuit from the cupboard, fell to with a keen appetite,

inviting us to share of the repast. When he had fed heartily on his

homely fare, he filled a large cup, made of a cocoa-nut shell, with

brandy, and, drinking it off, told us, “Prandy was the best menstruum

for onions and sheese.” His hunger being appeased, he began to be in

better humour; and, being inquisitive about my birth, no sooner

understood that I was descended of a good family, than he discovered a

particular good-will to me on that account, deducing his own pedigree

in a direct line from the famous Caractacus, king of the Britons, who

was first the prisoner, and afterwards the friend of Claudius Caesar.

Perceiving how much I was reduced in point of linen, he made me a

present of two good ruffled shirts, which, with two more of check which

I received from Mr. Thompson, enabled me to appear with decency.

Meanwhile the sailor, whom Mr. Morgan had sent to the doctor, brought a

prescription for his messmate, which when the Welshman had read, he got

up to prepare it, and asked, “if the man was dead or alive.” “Dead!”

replied Jack; “if he was dead, he would have no occasion for doctor’s

stuff. No, thank God, death han’t as yet boarded him. But they have

been yard-arm and yard-arm these three glasses.” “Are his eyes open,”

continued the mate. “His starboard eye,” said the sailor, “is open, but

fast jammed in his head: and the haulyards of his under jaw have given

way.” “Passion of my heart!” cried Morgan, “the man is as pad as one

would desire to be! Did you feel his pulses!” To this the other replied

with “Anan!” Upon which this Cambro Briton, with great earnestness and

humanity, ordered the tar to run to his messmate, and keep him alive

till he should come with the medicine, “and then,” said he, “you shall

peradventure pehold what you shall see.”

The poor fellow, with great simplicity, ran to the place where the sick

man lay, but in less than a minute returned with a woful countenance,

and told us his comrade had struck. Morgan, hearing this, exclaimed,

“Mercy upon my salvation! why did you not stop him till I came?” “Stop

him!” said the other; “I hailed him several times, but he was too far

on his way, and the enemy had got possession of his close quarters; so

that he did not mind me.” “Well, well,” said he, “we all owe heaven a

teath. Go your ways, you ragamuffin, and take an example and a warning,

look you, and repent of your misteets.” So saying, he pushed the seaman

out of the berth.

While we entertained us with reflections suitable to this event, we

heard the boatswain pipe to dinner; and immediately the boy belonging

to our mess ran to the locker, from whence he carried off a large

wooden platter, and, in a few minutes, returned with it full of boiled

peas, crying “Scaldings” all the way as he came. The cloth, consisting

of a piece of an old sail, was instantly laid, covered with three

plates, which by the colour I could with difficulty discern to be

metal, and as many spoons of the same composition, two of which were

curtailed in the handles, and the other abridged in the lip. Mr. Morgan

himself enriched this mess with a lump of salt butter scooped from an

old gallipot, and a handful of onions shorn, with some pounded pepper.

I was not very much tempted with the appearance of this dish, of which,

nevertheless, my messmates ate heartily, advising me to follow their

example, as it was banyan day and we could have no meat till next noon.

But I had already laid in sufficient for the occasion, and therefore

desired to be excused: expressing a curiosity to know the meaning of

banyan day. They told me, that, on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays,

the ship’s company had no allowance of meat, and that these meagre days

were called banyan days, the reason of which they did not know; but I

have since learned they take their denomination from a sect of devotees

in some parts of the East Indies, who never taste flesh.

After dinner Thompson led me round the ship, showed me the different

parts, described their uses, and, as far as he could, made me

acquainted with the particulars of the discipline and economy practised

on board. He then demanded of the boatswain a hammock for me, which was

slung in a very neat manner by my friend Jack Rattlin; and, as I had no

bed-clothes, procured credit for me with the purser, for a mattress and

two blankets. At seven o’clock in the evening Morgan visited the sick,

and, having ordered what was proper for each, I assisted Thompson in

making up his prescriptions: but when I followed him with the medicines

into the sick berth, or hospital, and observed the situation of the

patients, I was much less surprised that people should die on board,

than that a sick person should recover. Here I saw about fifty

miserable distempered wretches, suspended in rows, so huddled one upon

another, that not more than fourteen inches space was allotted for each

with his bed and bedding; and deprived of the light of the day, as well

as of fresh air; breathing nothing but a noisome atmosphere of the

morbid steams exhaling from their own excrements and diseased bodies,

devoured with vermin hatched in the filth that surrounded them, and

destitute of every convenience necessary for people in that helpless

condition.

CHAPTER XXVI

A disagreeable accident happens to me in the discharge of my

office—Morgan’s nose is offended—a dialogue between him and the Ship’s

steward—upon examination, I find more causes of complaint than one—my

hair is cut off—Morgan’s cookery—the manner of sleeping on board—I am

waked in the night by a dreadful noise

I could not comprehend how it was possible for the attendants to come

near those who hung on the inside towards the sides of the ship, in

order to assist them, as they seemed barricadoed by those who lay on

the outside, and entirely out of the reach of all visitation; much less

could I conceive how my friend Thompson would be able to administer

clysters, that were ordered for some, in that situation; when I saw him

thrust his wig in his pocket, and strip himself to his waistcoat in a

moment, then creep on all fours under the hammocks of the sick, and,

forcing up his bare pate between two, keep them asunder with one

shoulder, until he had done his duty. Eager to learn the service, I

desired he would give me leave to perform the next operation of that

kind; and he consenting, I undressed myself after his example, and

crawling along, the ship happened to roll: this motion alarming me, I

laid hold of the first thing that came within my grasp with such

violence, that I overturned it, and soon found, by the smell that

issued upon me, that I had unlocked a box of the most delicious

perfume. It was well for me that my nose was none of the most delicate,

else I know not how I might have been affected by this vapour, which

diffused itself all over the ship, to the utter discomposure of

everybody who tarried on the same dock! neither was the consequence of

this disgrace confined to my sense of smelling only; for I felt my

misfortune more ways than one. That I might not, however, appear

altogether disconcerted in this my first essay, I got up, and, pushing

my head with great force between two hammocks, towards the middle,

where the greatest resistance was, I made an opening indeed, but, not

understanding the knack of dexterously turning my shoulder to maintain

my advantage, had the mortification to find myself stuck up, as it

were, in a pillory, and the weight of three or four people bearing on

each side of my neck, so that I was in danger of strangulation. While I

remained in this defenceless posture, one of the sick men, rendered

peevish by his distemper, was so enraged at the smell I had occasioned

and the rude shock he had received from me in my elevation, that, with

many bitter reproaches, he seized me by the nose, which he tweaked so

unmercifully, that I roared with anguish. Thompson, perceiving my

condition, ordered one of the waiters to my assistance, who, with much

difficulty, disengaged me from this situation, and hindered me from

taking vengeance on the sick man, whose indisposition would not have

screened him from the effects of my indignation.

After having made an end of our ministry for that time, we descended to

the cockpit, my friend comforting me for what had happened with a

homely proverb, which I do not choose to repeat. When we had descended

half-way down the ladder, Mr. Morgan, before he saw us, having

intelligence by his nose of the approach of something extraordinary,

cried, “Cot have mercy upon my senses! I pelieve the enemy has poarded

us in a stinkpot!” Then, directing his discourse to the steward, from

whence he imagined the odour proceeded, he reprimanded him severely for

the freedoms he took among gentlemen of birth, and threatened to smoke

him like a padger with sulphur, if ever he should presume to offend his

neighbours with such smells for the future. The steward, conscious of

his own innocence, replied with some warmth, “I know of no smells but

those of your own making.” This repartee introduced a smart dialogue,

in which the Welshman undertook to prove, that, though the stench he

complained of did not flow from the steward’s own body, he was

nevertheless the author of it, by serving out damaged provisions to the

ship’s company; and, in particular, putrified cheese, from the use of

which only, he affirmed, such unsavoury steams could arise. Then he

launched out into the praise of good cheese, of which he gave the

analysis; explained the different kinds of that commodity, with the

methods practised to make and preserve it, concluded in observing,

that, in yielding good cheese, the county of Glamorgan might vie with

Cheshire itself, and was much superior to it in the produce of goats

and putter.

I gathered from this conversation, that, if I entered in my present

pickle, I should be no welcome guest, and therefore desired Mr.

Thompson to go before, and represent my calamity; at which the first

mate, expressing some concern, went upon deck immediately, taking his

way through the cable-tier and the main hatchway, to avoid encountering

me; desiring me to clean myself as soon as possible: for he intended to

regale himself with a dish of salmagundy and a pipe. Accordingly, I set

about this disagreeable business, and soon found I had more causes of

complaint than I at first imagined; for I perceived some guests had

honoured me with their company, whose visit I did not think seasonable:

neither did they seem inclined to leave me in a hurry, for they were in

possession of my chief quarters, where they fed without reserve at the

expense of my blood. But, considering it would be easier to extirpate

the ferocious colony in the infancy of their settlement, than after

they should be multiplied and naturalised to the soil, I took the

advice of my friend, who, to prevent such misfortunes, went always

close shaved, and made the boy of our mess cut off my hair, which had

been growing since I left the service of Lavement; and the second mate

lent me an old bobwig to supply the loss of that covering. This affair

being ended, and everything adjusted in the best manner my

circumstances would permit, the descendant of Caractacus returned, and,

ordering the boy to bring a piece of salt beef from the brine, cut off

a slice, and mixed it with an equal quantity of onions, which seasoning

with a moderate proportion of pepper and salt, he brought it to a

consistence with oil and vinegar; then, tasting the dish, assured us it

was the best salmagundy that ever he made, and recommended it to our

palate with such heartiness that I could not help doing honour to his

preparation. But I had no sooner swallowed a mouthful, than I thought

my entrails were scorched, and endeavoured with a deluge of small-beer

to allay the heat it occasioned. Supper being over, Mr. Morgan having

smoked a couple of pipes, and supplied the moisture he had expended

with as many cans of flip, of which we all partook, a certain yawning

began to admonish me that it was high time to repair by sleep the

injury I had suffered from want of rest the preceding night; which

being perceived by my companions, whose time of repose was now arrived,

they proposed we should turn in, or in other words, go to bed. Our

hammocks, which hung parallel to one another, on the outside of the

berth, were immediately unlashed, and I beheld my messmates spring with

great agility into their respective nests, where they seemed to lie

concealed, very much at their ease. But it was some time before I could

prevail upon myself to trust my carcase at such a distance from the

ground, in a narrow bag, out of which, I imagined, I should be apt, on

the least motion in my sleep, to tumble down at the hazard of breaking

my bones. I suffered myself, however, to be persuaded, and taking a

leap to get in, threw myself quite over, with such violence, that had I

not luckily got hold of Thompson’s hammock, I should have pitched upon

my head on the other side, and in all likelihood fractured my skull.

After some fruitless efforts, I succeeded at last; but the apprehension

of the jeopardy in which I believed myself withstood all the attacks of

sleep till towards the morning watch, when, in spite of my fears, I was

overpowered with slumber, though I did not long enjoy this comfortable

situation, being aroused with a noise so loud and shrill, that I

thought the drums of my ears were burst by it; this was followed by a

dreadful summons pronounced by a hoarse voice, which I could not

understand. While I was debating with myself, whether or not I should

wake my companion and inquire into the occasion of this disturbance, I

was informed by one of the quartermasters who passed by me with a

lantern in his hand, that the noise which alarmed me was occasioned by

the boatswain’s mates who called up the larboard watch, and that I must

lay my account with such an interruption every morning at the same

hour. Being now more assured of my safety, I undressed myself again to

rest, and slept till eight o’clock, when rising, and breakfasting with

my comrades on biscuit and brandy, the sick were visited and assisted

as before; after which visitation my good friend Thompson explained and

performed another piece of duty, to which I was a stranger. At a

certain hour in the morning, the boy of the mess went round all the

decks, ringing a small hand-bell, and, in rhymes composed for the

occasion, invited all those who had sores to repair before the mast,

where one of the doctor’s mates attended, with applications to dress

them.

CHAPTER XXVII

I acquire the friendship of the Surgeon, who procures a warrant for me,

and makes me a present of clothes—a battle between a Midshipman and

me—the Surgeon leaves the ship—the Captain comes on board with another

Surgeon—a dialogue between the Captain and Morgan—the sick are ordered

to be brought upon the Quarter-deck and examined—the consequences of

that order—a Madman accuses Morgan, and is set at liberty by command of

the Captain, whom he instantly attacks, and pummels without mercy

While I was busied with my friend in the practice, the doctor chanced

to pass by the place where we were, and stopping to observe me appeared

very well satisfied with my application; and afterwards sent for me to

his cabin, where, having examined me touching my skill in surgery, and

the particulars of my fortune, he interested himself so far in my

behalf, as to promise his assistance in procuring a warrant for me,

seeing I had already been found qualified at Surgeons’ Hall for the

station I filled on board; and in this good office he the more

cordially engaged when he understood I was nephew to lieutenant

Bowling, for whom he expressed a particular regard. In the meantime, I

could learn from his discourse that he did not intend to go to sea

again with Captain Oakum, having, as he thought, been indifferently

used by him during the last voyage.

While I lived tolerably easy, in expectation of preferment, I was not

altogether without mortifications, which I not only suffered from the

rude insults of the sailors and petty officers, among whom I was known

by the name of Loblolly Boy, but also from the disposition of Morgan,

who, though friendly in the main, was often very troublesome with his

pride, which expected a good deal of submission from me, and delighted

in recapitulating the favours I had received at his hands.

About six weeks after my arrival on board, the surgeon, bidding me to

follow him into his cabin, presented a warrant to me, by which I was

appointed surgeon’s third mate on board the Thunder. This he had

procured by his interest at the Navy Office; as also another for

himself, by virtue of which he was removed into a second-rate. I

acknowledged his kindness in the strongest terms my gratitude could

suggest, and professed my sorrow at the prospect of losing so valuable

a friend, to whom I hoped to have recommended myself still further, by

my respectful and diligent behaviour. But his generosity rested not

here; for before he left the ship he made me a present of a chest and

some clothes that enabled me to support the rank to which he had raised

me.

I found my spirit revive with my good fortune; and, now I was an

officer, resolved to maintain the dignity of my station, against all

opposition or affronts; nor was it long before I had occasion to exert

my resolution. My old enemy, the midshipman (whose name was Crampley),

entertaining an implacable animosity against me for the disgrace he had

suffered on my account, had since that time taken all opportunities of

reviling and ridiculing me, when I was not entitled to retort this bad

usage; and, even after I had been rated on the books, and mustered as

surgeon’s mate, did not think fit to restrain his insolence. In

particular, being one day present while I dressed a wound in a sailor’s

leg, he began to sing a song, which I thought highly injurious to the

honour of my country, and therefore signified my resentment, by

observing that the Scots always laid their account with finding enemies

among the ignorant, insignificant, and malicious. This unexpected piece

of assurance enraged him to such a degree, that he lent me a blow on

the face, which I verily thought had demolished my cheek-bone. I was

not slow in returning the obligation, and the affair began to be very

serious, when by accident Mr. Morgan, and one of the master’s mates,

coming that way, interposed, and, inquiring into the cause, endeavoured

to promote a reconciliation; but, finding us both exasperated to the

uttermost, and bent against accommodation, they advised us either to

leave our difference undecided, till we should have an opportunity of

terminating it on shore, like gentlemen, or else choose a proper place

on board, and bring it to an issue by boxing. The last expedient was

greedily embraced by us both; and, being forthwith conducted to the

ground proposed, we stripped in a moment, and began a furious contest,

in which I soon found myself inferior to my antagonist, not so much in

strength and agility, as in skill, which he had acquired in the school

of Hockley-in-the-Hole at Tottenham-court. Many cross buttocks did I

sustain, and pegs on the stomach without number, till at last my breath

being quite gone, as well as my vigour wasted, I grew desperate, and

collecting all my strength in one effort, threw in at once, head,

hands, and feet, with such violence, that I drove my antagonist three

paces backward into the main hatchway, down which he fell, and pitching

upon his head and right shoulder, remained without sense and motion.

Morgan, looking down, and seeing him lie in that condition, cried,

“Upon my conscience, as I am a Christian sinner, (look you,) I believe

his pattles are all ofer; but I take you all to witness that there was

no treachery in the case, and that he has suffered by the chance of

war.” So saying he descended to the deck below, to examine into the

situation of my adversary, and left me very little pleased with my

victory, as I found myself not only terribly bruised, but likewise in

danger of being called to account for the death of Crampley; but this

fear vanished when my fellow-mate having, by bleeding him in the

jugular, brought him to himself, and inquired into the state of his

body, called up to me to be under no concern, for the midshipman had

received no other damage than as pretty a luxation of the os humeri as

one would desire to see on a summer’s day. Upon this information I

crawled down to the cock-pit, and acquainted Thompson with the affair,

who, providing himself with bandages, etc, necessary for the occasion,

went up to assist Mr. Morgan in the reduction of the dislocation. When

this was successfully performed, they wished me joy of the event of the

combat; and the Welshman, after observing, that, in all likelihood, the

ancient Scots and Britons were the same people, bade me “praise Cot for

putting mettle in my pelly, and strength in my limbs to support it.” I

acquired such reputation by this rencontre, which lasted twenty

minutes, that everybody became more cautious in behaviour towards me;

though Crampley, with his arm in a sling, talked very high, and

threatened to seize the first opportunity of retrieving on shore the

honour he had lost by an accident, from which I could justly claim no

merit.

About this time, Captain Oakum, having received sailing orders, came on

board, and brought along with him a surgeon of his own country, who

soon made us sensible of the loss we suffered in the departure of

Doctor Atkins; for he was grossly ignorant, and intolerably assuming,

false, vindictive, and unforgiving; a merciless tyrant to his

inferiors, an abject sycophant to those above him. In the morning after

the captain came on board, our first mate, according to custom, went to

wait on him with a sick list, which, when this grim commander had

perused, he cried with a stern countenance, “Blood and cons! sixty-one

sick people on board of my ship! Harkee, you sir, I’ll have no sick in

my ship, by G—d.” The Welshman replied, “he should be very glad to find

no sick people on board: but, while it was otherwise, he did no more

than his duty in presenting him with a list.” “You and your list may be

d—n’d,” said the captain, throwing it at him; “I say, there shall be no

sick in this ship while I have the command of her.” Mr. Morgan, being

nettled at this treatment, told him his indignation ought to be

directed to Cot Almighty, who visited his people with distempers, and

not to him, who contributed all in his power towards their cure. The

bashaw, not being used to such behaviour in any of his officers, was

enraged to fury at this satirical insinuation, and, stamping with his

foot, called him insolent scoundrel, threatening to have him pinioned

to the deck, if he should presume to utter another syllable. But the

blood of Caractacus being thoroughly heated, disdained to be restricted

by such a command, and began to manifest itself in, “Captain Oakum, I

am a shentleman of birth and parentage (look you), and peradventure I

am moreover.” Here his harangue was broken off by the captain’s

steward, who, being Morgan’s countryman, hurried him out of the cabin

before he had time to exasperate his master to a greater degree, and

this would certainly have been the case; for the indignant Welshman

could hardly be hindered by his friend’s arguments and entreaties from

re-entering the presence-chamber, and defying Captain Oakum to his

teeth. He was, however appeased at length, and came down to the berth,

where, finding Thompson and me at work preparing medicines, he bade us

leave off our lapour to go to play, for the captain, by his sole word,

and power, and command, had driven sickness a pegging to the tevil, and

there was no more malady on board. So saying, he drank off a gill of

brandy, sighed grievously three times, poured fort an ejaculation of

“Cot pless my heart, liver, and lungs!” and then began to sing a Welsh

song with great earnestness of visage, voice, and gesture. I could not

conceive the meaning of this singular phenomenon, and saw by the looks

of Thompson, who at the same time shook his head, that he suspected

poor Cadwallader’s brains were unsettled. He, perceiving our amazement,

told us he would explain the mystery; but at the same time bade us take

notice, that he had lived poy, patchelor, married man, and widower,

almost forty years, and in all that time there was no man, nor mother’s

son in the whole world who durst use him so ill as Captain Oakum had

done. Then he acquainted us with the dialogue that passed between them,

as I have already related it: and had no sooner finished this narration

than he received a message from the surgeon, to bring the sick-list to

the quarter-deck, for the captain had ordered all the patients thither

to be reviewed.

This inhuman order shocked us extremely, as we knew it would be

impossible to carry some of them on the deck, without imminent danger

of their lives: but, as we likewise knew it would be to no purpose for

us to remonstrate against it, we repaired to the quarter-deck in a

body, to see this extraordinary muster; Morgan observing by the way,

that the captain was going to send to the other world a great many

evidences to testify against himself. When we appeared upon deck, the

captain bade the doctor, who stood bowing at his right hand, look at

these lazy lubberly sons of bitches, who were good for nothing on board

but to eat the king’s provision, and encourage idleness in the

skulkers. The surgeon grinned approbation, and, taking the list, began

to examine the complaints of each as they could crawl to the place

appointed. The first who came under his cognizance was a poor fellow

just freed of a fever, which had weakened him so much that he could

hardly stand. Mr. Mackshane (for that was the doctor’s name), having

felt his pulse, protested he was as well as any man in the world; and

the captain delivered him over to the boatswain’s mate, with orders

that he should receive a round dozen at the gangway immediately, for

counterfeiting himself sick; but, before the discipline could be

executed, the man dropped down on the deck, and had well nigh perished

under the hands of the executioner. The next patient to be considered,

laboured under a quartan ague, and, being then in his interval of

health, discovered no other symptoms of distemper than a pale meagre

countenance and emaciated body; upon which he was declared fit for

duty, and turned over to the boatswain; but, being resolved to disgrace

the doctor, died upon the forecastle next day, during his cold fit. The

third complained of a pleuritic stitch, and spitting of blood, for

which Doctor Mackshane prescribed exercise at the pump to promote

expectoration! but whether this was improper for one in his situation,

or that it was used to excess, I know not, but in less than

half-an-hour he was suffocated with a deluge of blood that issued from

his lungs. A fourth, with much difficulty, climbed to the quarter-deck,

being loaded with a monstrous ascites, or dropsy, that invaded his

chest so much, he could scarce fetch his breath; but his disease being

interpreted into fat, occasioned by idleness and excess of eating, he

was ordered, with a view to promote perspiration and enlarge his chest,

to go aloft immediately. It was in vain for this unwieldy wretch to

allege his utter incapacity; the boatswain’s driver was commanded to

whip him up with the cat-o-nine-tails; the smart of this application

made him exert himself so much, that he actually arrived at the puttock

shrouds; but when the enormous weight of his body had nothing else to

support than his weakened arms, either out of spite or necessity, he

quitted his hold, and plunged into the sea, where he must have been

drowned, had not a sailor, who was in a boat alongside, saved his life,

by keeping him afloat till he was hoisted on board by a tackle.

It would be tedious and disagreeable to describe the fate of every

miserable object that suffered by the inhumanity and ignorance of the

captain and surgeon, who so wantonly sacrificed the lives of their

fellow-creatures. Many were brought up in the height of fevers, and

rendered delirious by the injuries they received in the way. Some gave

up the ghost in the presence of their inspectors; and others, who were

ordered to their duties, languished a few days at work among their

fellows, and then departed without any ceremony. On the whole, the

number of the sick was reduced to less than a dozen; and the authors of

this reduction were applauding themselves for the services they had

done to their king and country, when the boatswain’s mate informed his

honour, that there was a man below lashed to his hammock, by direction

of the doctor’s mate, and that he begged hard to be released;

affirming, he had been so maltreated only for a grudge Mr. Morgan bore

him, and that he was as much in his senses as any man aboard. The

captain hearing this, darted a severe look at the Welshman, and ordered

the man to be brought up immediately; upon which, Morgan protested with

great fervency, that the person in question was as mad as a March hare;

and begged for the love of Cot, they would at least keep his arms

pinioned during his examination, to prevent him from doing mischief.

This request the commander granted for his own sake, and the patient

was produced, who insisted upon his being in his right wits with such

calmness and strength of argument, that everybody present was inclined

to believe him, except Morgan, who affirmed there was no trusting to

appearances; for he himself had been so much imposed upon by his

behaviour two days before, that he had actually unbound him with his

own hands, and had well nigh been murdered for his pains: this was

confirmed by the evidence of one of the waiters, who declared he had

pulled this patient from the doctor’s mate, whom he had gotten down,

and almost strangled. To this the man answered, that the witness was a

creature of Morgan’s, and suborned to give his testimony against him by

the malice of the mate, whom the defendant had affronted, by

discovering to the people on board, that Mr. Morgan’s wife kept a

gin-shop in Ragfair. This anecdote produced a laugh at the expense of

the Welshman, who, shaking his head with some emotion, said, “Ay, ay,

’tis no matter. Cot knows, it is an arrant falsehood.” Captain Oakum,

without any farther hesitation, ordered the fellow to be unfettered; at

the same time, threatening to make Morgan exchange situations with him

for his spite; but the Briton no sooner heard the decision in favour of

the madman, than he got up to the mizen-shrouds, crying to Thompson and

me to get out of his reach, for we should see him play the devil with a

vengeance. We did not think fit to disregard his caution, and

accordingly got up on the poop, whence we beheld the maniac (as soon as

he was released) fly at the captain like a fury, crying, “I’ll let you

know, you scoundrel, that I am commander of this vessel,” and pummel

him without mercy. The surgeon, who went to the assistance of his

patron, shared the same fate; and it was with the utmost difficulty

that he was mastered at last, after having done great execution among

those who opposed him.

CHAPTER XXVIII

The Captain enraged, threatens to put the Madman to death with his own

hand—is diverted from that resolution by the arguments and persuasion

of the first Lieutenant and Surgeon—we set sail for St. Helen’s, join

the fleet under the command of Sir C— O—gle, and proceed for the West

Indies—are overtaken by a terrible tempest—my friend Jack Rattlin has

his leg broke by a fall from the mainyard—the behaviour of Mr.

Mackshane—Jack opposes the amputation of his limb, in which he is

seconded by Morgan and me, we undertake the cure and perform it

successfully

The captain was carried into his cabin, so enraged with the treatment

he had received, that he ordered the fellow to be brought before him,

that he might have the pleasure of pistoling him with his own hand; and

would certainly have satisfied his revenge in this manner, had not the

first lieutenant remonstrated against it, by observing that, in all

appearances, the fellow was not mad, but desperate; that he had been

hired by some enemy of the captain’s to him, and therefore ought to be

kept in irons till he could be brought to a court-martial, which, no

doubt, would sift the affair to the bottom (by which means important

discoveries might be made), and then sentence the criminal to a death

according to his demerits. This suggestion, improbable as it was, had

the desired effect upon the captain, being exactly calculated for the

meridan of his intellects; more especially as Dr. Mackshane espoused

this opinion, in consequence of his previous declaration that the man

was not mad. Morgan finding there was no more damage done, could not

help discovering by his countenance the pleasure he enjoyed on this

occasion; and, while he bathed the doctor’s face with an embrocation,

ventured to ask him, whether he thought there were more fools or madmen

on board? But he would have been wiser in containing this sally, which

his patient carefully laid up in his memory, to be taken notice of at a

more fit season. Meanwhile we weighed anchor, and, on our way to the

Downs, the madman, who was treated as a prisoner, took an opportunity,

while the sentinel attending him was at the head, to leap and frustrate

the revenge of the captain. We stayed not long at the Downs, but took

the benefit of the first easterly wind to go round to Spithead: where,

having received provisions on board for six months, we sailed from St.

Helen’s in the grand fleet bound for the West Indies, on the

ever-memorable expedition of Carthagena.

It was not without great mortification I saw myself on the point of

being transported to such a distant and unhealthy climate, destitute of

every convenience that could render such a voyage supportable, and

under the dominion of an arbitrary tyrant, whose command was almost

intolerable; however, as these complaints were common to a great many

on board, I resolved to submit patiently to my fate, and contrive to

make myself as easy as the nature of the case would allow. We got out

of the channel with a prosperous breeze, which died away, leaving us

becalmed about fifty leagues to the westward of the Lizard: but this

state of inaction did not last long; for next night our maintop-sail

was split by the wind, which, in the morning, increased to a hurricane.

I was awakened by a most horrible din, occasioned by the play of the

gun carriages upon the decks above, the cracking of cabins, the howling

of the wind through the shrouds, the confused noise of the ship’s crew,

the pipes of the boatswain and his mates, the trumpets of the

lieutenants, and the clanking of the chain pumps. Morgan who had never

been at sea before, turned out in a great hurry, crying, “Cot have

mercy and compassion upon us! I believe, we have cot upon the confines

of Lucifer and the d—n’d!” while poor Thompson lay quaking in his

hammock, putting up petitions to heaven for our safety. I rose and

joined the Welshman, with whom (after having fortified ourselves with

brandy) I went above; but if my sense of hearing was startled before,

how must my sight have been apalled in beholding the effects of the

storm! The sea was swelled into billows mountain-high, on the top of

which our ship sometimes hung as if it were about to be precipitated to

the abyss below! Sometimes we sank between two waves that rose on each

side higher than our topmast-head, and threatened by dashing together

to overwhelm us in a moment! Of all our fleet, consisting of a hundred

and fifty sail, scarce twelve appeared, and these driving under their

bare poles, at the mercy of the tempest. At length the mast of one of

them gave way, and tumbled overboard with a hideous crash! Nor was the

prospect in our own ship much more agreeable; a number of officers and

sailors ran backward and forward with distraction in their looks,

halloaing to one another, and undetermined what they should attend to

first. Some clung to the yards, endeavouring to unbend the sails that

were split into a thousand pieces flapping in the wind; others tried to

furl those which were yet whole, while the masts, at every pitch, bent

and quivered like twigs, as if they would have shivered into

innumerable splinters! While I considered this scene with equal terror

and astonishment, one of the main braces broke, by the shock whereof

two sailors were flung from the yard’s arm into the sea, where they

perished, and poor Jack Rattlin thrown down upon the deck, at the

expense of a broken leg. Morgan and I ran immediately to his

assistance, and found a splinter of the shin-bone thrust by the

violence of the fall through the skin; as this was a case of too great

consequence to be treated without the authority of the doctor I went

down to his cabin to inform him of the accident, as well as to bring up

dressings which we always kept ready prepared. I entered his apartment

without any ceremony, and, by the glimmering of a lamp, perceived him

on his knees before something that very much resembled a crucifix; but

this I will not insist upon, that I may not seem too much a slave to

common report, which indeed assisted my conjecture on this occasion, by

representing Dr. Mackshane as a member of the church of Rome. Be this

as it will, he got up in a sort of confusion, occasioned (I suppose) by

his being disturbed in his devotion, and in a trice snatched the

subject of my suspicion from my sight.

After making an apology for my intrusion, I acquainted him with the

situation of Rattlin, but could by no means prevail upon him to visit

him on deck, where he lay; he bade me desire the boatswain to order

some of the men to carry him down to the cockpit, “and in the

meantime,” said he, “I will direct Thompson to get ready the

dressings.” When I signified to the boatswain the doctor’s desire, he

swore a terrible oath, that he could not spare one man from deck,

because he expected the mast would go by the board every minute. This

piece of information did not at all contribute to my peace of mind;

however, as my friend Rattlin complained very much, with the assistance

of Morgan I supported him to the lower deck, whither Mr. Mackshane,

after much entreaty, ventured to come, attended by Thompson, with a box

full of dressings, and his own servant, who carried a whole set of

capital instruments. He examined the fracture and the wound, and

concluding, from a livid colour extending itself upon the limb, that

mortification would ensue, resolved to amputate the leg immediately.

This was a dreadful sentence to the patient, who, recruiting himself

with a quid of tobacco, pronounced with a woful countenance, “What! is

there no remedy, doctor! must I be dock’d? can’t you splice it?”

“Assuredly, Doctor Mackshane,” said the first mate, “with submission,

and deference, and veneration, to your superior apilities, and

opportunities, and stations, look you, I do apprehend, and conjure, and

aver, that there is no occasion nor necessity to smite off this poor

man’s leg.” “God Almighty bless you, dear Welshman!” cried Rattlin,

“may you have fair wind and weather wheresoever you’re bound, and come

to an anchor in the road of heaven at last!” Mackshane, very much

incensed at his mate’s differing in opinion from him, so openly,

answered, that he was not bound to give an account of his practice to

him; and in a peremptory tone, ordered him to apply the tourniquet. At

the sight of which, Jack, starting up, cried, “Avast, avast! D—n my

heart, if you clap your nippers on me, till I know wherefore! Mr.

Random, won’t you lend a hand towards saving my precious limb! Odd’s

heart, if Lieutenant Bowling was here, he would not suffer Jack

Rattlin’s leg to be chopped off like a piece of old junk.”

This pathetic address to me, joined to my inclination to serve my

honest friend, and the reasons I had to believe there was no danger in

delaying the amputation, induced me to declare myself of the first

mate’s opinion, and affirm that the preternatural colour of the skin

was owing to an inflammation, occasioned by a contusion, and common in

all such cases, without any indication of an approaching gangrene.

Morgan, who had a great opinion of my skill, manifestly exulted in my

fellowship, and asked Thompson’s sentiments in the matter, in hopes of

strengthening our association with him too; but he, being of a meek

disposition, and either dreading the enmity of the surgeon, or speaking

the dictates of his own judgment, in a modest manner espoused the

opinion of Mackshane, who by this time having consulted with himself,

determined to act in such a manner as to screen himself from censure,

and at the same time revenge himself on us, for our arrogance in

contradicting him. With this view, he asked if we would undertake to

cure the leg at our peril: that is, be answerable for the consequence.

To this question, Morgan replied, that the lives of his creatures are

at the hands of Cot alone; and it would be great presumption in him to

undertake for an event that was in the power of his Maker, no more than

the doctor could promise to cure all the sick to whom he administered

his assistance; but if the patient would put himself under our

direction, we would do our endeavour to bring his distemper to a

favourable issue, to which at present we saw no obstruction.

I signified my concurrence; and Rattlin was so overjoyed that, shaking

us both by the hands, he swore nobody else should touch him, and, if he

died, his blood should be upon his own head. Mr. Mackshane, flattering

himself with the prospect of our miscarriage, went away, and left us to

manage it as we should think proper; accordingly, having sawed off part

of the splinter that stuck through the skin, we reduced the fracture,

dressed the wound, applied the eighteen-tailed bandage, and put the leg

in a box, secundam artem. Everything succeeded according to our wish,

and we had the satisfaction of not only preserving the poor fellow’s

leg, but likewise of rendering the doctor contemptible among the ship’s

company, who had all their eyes on us during the course of this cure,

which was completed in six weeks.

CHAPTER XXIX

Mackshane’s malice—I am taken up and imprisoned for a spy—Morgan meets

with the same fate—Thompson is tampered with to turn evidence against

us—disdains the proposal, and is maltreated for his integrity—Morgan is

released to assist the Surgeon during an engagement with some French

ships-of-war—I remain fettered on the poop, exposed to the enemy’s

shot, and grow delirious with fear—am comforted after the battle by

Morgan, who speaks freely of the captain, is overheard by the sentinel,

who informs against him, and again imprisoned—Thompson grows desperate,

and, notwithstanding the remonstrances of Morgan and me, goes overboard

in the night

In the meantime the storm subsided into a brisk gale, that carried us

into the warm latitudes, where the weather became intolerable, and the

crew very sickly. The doctor left nothing unattempted towards the

completion of his vengeance against the Welshman and me. He went among

the sick under pretence of inquiring into their grievances, with a view

of picking up complaints to our prejudice; but, finding himself

frustrated in that expectation by the goodwill we had procured from the

patients by our diligence and humanity, he took the resolution of

listening to our conversation, by hiding himself behind the canvas that

surrounded our berth; here too he was detected by the boy of our mess,

who acquainted us with this piece of behaviour, and one night, while we

were picking a large bone of salt beef, Morgan discerned something stir

on the outside of our hangings, which immediately interpreting to be

the doctor, he tipped me the wink, and pointed to the place, where I

could perceive somebody standing; upon which, I snatched up the bone,

and levelled it with all my force at him, saying, “Whoever you are,

take that for your curiosity.” It had the desired effect, for we heard

the listener tumble down, and afterwards crawl to his own cabin. I

applauded myself much for this feat, which turned out one of the most

unlucky exploits of my life, Mackshane, from that time, marking me out

for destruction.

About a week after this exploit, as I was going my rounds among the

sick, I was taken prisoner, and carried to the poop by the

master-at-arms, where I was loaded with irons, and stapled to the deck,

on pretence that I was a spy on board, and had conspired against the

captain’s life. How ridiculous soever this imputation was, I did not

fail to suffer by it all the rigour that could be shown to the worst of

criminals, being exposed in this miserable condition to the scorching

heat of the sun by day, and the unwholesome damps by night, during the

space of twelve days, in which I was neither brought to trial, nor

examined touching the probability of the charge. I had no sooner

recovered the use of my reflection, which had been quite overthrown by

this accident, than I sent for Thompson, who, after condoling me on the

occasion, hinted, that I owed this misfortune to the hatred of the

doctor, who had given an information against me to the captain, in

consequence of which I was arrested, and all my papers seized. While I

was cursing my capricious fate, I saw Morgan ascend the poop, guarded

by two corporals, who made him sit down by me, that he might be

pinioned in the same machine. Notwithstanding my situation, I could

scarce refrain from laughing at the countenance of my fellow prisoner,

who, without speaking one word, allowed his feet to be inclosed in the

rings provided for that purpose; but, when they pretended to fasten him

on his back he grew outrageous, and drawing a large couteau from his

side-pocket, threatened to rip up the belly of the first man that

should approach him, in order to treat him in such an unworthy manner.

They were prepared to use him very roughly, when the lieutenant on the

quarter-deck called up to them to let him remain as he was. He then

crept towards me, and, taking me by the hand, bade me “put my trust in

Cot.” And looking at Thompson, who sat by us trembling, with a pale

visage; told him there were two more rings for his feet, and he should

be glad to find him in such good company. But it was not the intention

of our adversary to include the second mate in our fate: him he

expected to be his drudge in attending the sick and, if possible, his

evidence against us: with this view he sounded him afar off, but,

finding his integrity incorruptible, harrassed him so much out of

spite, that in a short time this mild creature grew weary of his life.

While I and my fellow prisoner comforted each other in our tribulation,

the admiral discovered four sail to leeward and made signal for our

ship and four more to chase: hereupon everything was cleared for an

engagement, and Mackshane, foreseeing he should have occasion for more

assistants than one obtained Morgan’s liberty, while I was let in this

deplorable posture to the chance of battle. It was almost dark when we

came up with the sternmost chase, which we hailed, and inquired who

they were. They gave us to understand they were French men-of-war, upon

which Captain Oakum commanded them to send their boat on board of him!

but they refused, telling him, if he had any business with them, to

come on board of their ship: he then threatened to pour in a broadside

upon them, which they promised to retain. Both sides were as good as

their word, and the engagement began with great fury. The reader may

guess how I passed my time, lying in this helpless situation, amidst

the terrors of a sea-fight; expecting every moment to be cut asunder,

or dashed in pieces by the enemy’s shot! I endeavoured to compose

myself as much as possible, by reflecting that I was not a whit more

exposed than those who were stationed about me; but, when I beheld them

employed without intermission in annoying the foe, and encouraged by

the society and behaviour of one another, I could easily perceive a

wide difference between their condition and mine: however, I concealed

my agitation as well as I could till the head of the officer of marines

who stood near me, being shot off, bounced from the deck athwart my

face, leaving me well nigh blinded with brains. I could contain myself

no longer, but began to bellow with all the strength of my lungs; when

a drummer, coming towards me asked if I was wounded, and, before I

could answer, received a great shot in his belly, which tore out his

entrails, and he fell flat on my breast. This accident entirely bereft

me of all discretion; I redoubled my cries, which were drowned in the

noise of the battle; and, finding myself disregarded, lost all

patience, and became frantic. I vented my rage in oaths and

execrations, till my spirits, being quite exhausted, I remained quiet,

as insensible of the load that oppressed me.

The engagement lasted till broad day, when Captain Oakum, finding he

was like to gain neither honour nor advantage by the affair, pretended

to be undeceived by seeing their colours; and, hailing the ship whom he

had fought all night, protested he believed them Spaniards; and the

guns being silenced on each side, ordered the barge to be hoisted out,

and went on board the French commodore. Our loss amounted to ten

killed, and eighteen wounded, most part of whom afterwards died. My

fellow-mates had no sooner despatched their business in the cock-pit,

than, full of friendly concern, they came to visit me. Morgan,

ascending first, and seeing my face almost covered with brains and

blood, concluded I was no longer a man for this world; and, calling to

Thompson with great emotion, bade him come up, and take his last

farewell of his comrade and countryman, who was posted to a better

place, where there were no Mackshanes nor Oakums to asperse and torment

him. “No,” said he, taking me by the hand, “you are going to a country

where there is more respect sown to unfortunate shentlemen, and where

you will have the satisfaction of peholding your adversaries tossing

upon pillows of purning primstone.” Thompson, alarmed at this

apostrophe, made haste to the place where I lay, and sitting down by

me, with tears in his eyes inquired into the nature of my calamity. By

this time I had recollected myself so far as to be able to converse

rationally with my friends, whom, to their great satisfaction, I

immediately undeceived with regard to their apprehension of my being

mortally wounded.

After I had got myself disengaged from the carnage in which I wallowed,

and partaken of a refreshment which my friends brought along with them,

we entered into discourse upon the hardships we sustained, and spoke

very freely of the author of our misery; but our discourse being

overheard by the sentinel who guarded me, he was no sooner relieved

than he reported to the captain every syllable of our conversation,

according to the orders he had received. The effect of this information

soon appeared in the arrival of the master-at-arms, who replaced Morgan

in his former station, and gave the second mate a caution to keep a

strict guard over his tongue, if he did not choose to accompany us in

our confinement. Thompson, foreseeing that the whole slavery of

attending the sick and wounded, as well as the cruelty of Mackshane,

must now fall upon his shoulders, grew desperate at the prospect, and,

though I never heard him swear before, imprecated dreadful curses on

the heads of his oppressors, declaring that he would rather quit life

altogether than be much longer under the power of such barbarians. I

was not a little startled at his vivacity, and endeavoured to alleviate

his complaints, by representing the subject of my own, with as much

aggravation as it would bear, by which comparison he might see the

balance of misfortune lay on my side, and take an example from me of

fortitude and submission, till such time as we could procure redress,

which I hoped was not far off, considering that we should probably be

in a harbour in less than three days, where we should have an

opportunity of preferring our complaints to the admiral. The Welshman

joined in my remonstrance, and was at great pains to demonstrate that

it was every man’s duty as well as interest to resign himself to the

divine will, and look upon himself as a sentinel upon duty, who is by

no means at liberty to leave his post before he is relieved. Thompson

listened attentively to what he said, and at last, shedding a flood of

tears, shook his hand, and left us without making any reply. About

eleven at night he came to see us again with a settled gloom on his

countenance, and gave us to understand that he had undergone excessive

toil since he saw us, and in recompense had been grossly abused by the

doctor, who taxed him with being confederate with us, in a design of

taking away his life and that of the captain. After some time spent in

mutual exhortation, he got up, and squeezing me by the hand with

uncommon fervour, cried, “God bless you both!” and left us to wonder at

his singular manner of parting with us, which did not fail to make a

deep impression on us both.

Next morning, when the hour of visitation came round, the unhappy young

man was missing, and, after strict search, supposed to have gone

overboard in the night; and this was certainly the case.

CHAPTER XXX

We lament the fate of our companion—the Captain offers Morgan his

liberty, which he refuses to accept—we are brought before him and

examined—Morgan is sent back into custody, whither also I am remanded

after a curious trial

The news of this event affected my fellow prisoner and me extremely, as

our unfortunate companion had justly acquired by his amiable

disposition the love and esteem of us both; and the more we regretted

his untimely fate, the greater horror we conceived for the villain who

was undoubtedly the occasion of it. This abandoned miscreant did not

discover the least symptom of concern for Thompson’s death, although he

must have been conscious to himself of having driven him by ill usage

to the fatal resolution, but desired the captain to set Morgan at

liberty again to look after the patients. Accordingly one of the

corporals was sent up to unfetter him, but he protested he would not be

released until he should know for what he was confined; nor would he be

a tennisball, nor a shuttlecock, nor a trudge, nor a scullion, to any

captain under the sun. Oakum, finding him obstinate, and fearing it

would not be in his power to exercise his tyranny much longer with

impunity, was willing to show some appearance of justice and therefore

ordered us both to be brought before him on the quarter-deck, where he

sat in state, with his cleric on one side, and his counsellor Mackshane

on the other. When we approached, he honoured us with this salutation:

“So, gentlemen, d—n my blood! many a captain in the navy would have

ordered you both to be tucked up to the yard’s arm, without either

judge or jury, for the crimes you have been guilty of; but, d—n my

blood, I have too much good nature in allowing such dogs as you to make

defence.” “Captain Oakum,” said my fellow-sufferer, “certainly it is in

your power (Cot help the while) to tack us all up at your will, desire,

and pleasures. And perhaps it would be petter for some of us to be

tucked up than to undergo the miseries to which we have been exposed.

So may the farmer hang his kids for his diversion, and amusement, and

mirth; but there is such a thing as justice, if not upon earth, surely

in heaven, that will punish with fire and primstone all those who take

away the lives of innocent people out of wantonness, and parparity

(look you). In the mean time. I shall be glad to know the crimes laid

to my charge, and see the person who accuses me.” “That you shall,”

said the captain; “here, doctor, what have you to say?” Mackshane,

stepping forward, hemmed a good while, in order to clear his throat,

and, before he began, Morgan accosted him thus: “Doctor Mackshane, look

in my face—look in the face of an honest man, who abhors a false

witness as he abhors the tevil, and Cot be judge between you and me.”

The doctor, not minding this conjuration, made the following speech, as

near as I can remember: “I’ll tell you what, Mr. Morgan; to be sure

what you say is just, in regard to an honest man, and if so be it

appears as how you are an honest man, then it is my opinion that you

deserve to be acquitted, in relation to that there affair, for I tell

you what, Captain Oakum is resolved for to do everybody justice. As for

my own part, all that I have to allege is, that I have been informed

you have spoken disrespectful words against your captain, who, to be

sure, is the most honourable and generous commander in the king’s

service, without asparagement or acception of man, woman, or child.”

Having uttered this elegant harangue, on which he seemed to plume

himself, Morgan replied, “I do partly guess, and conceive, and

understand your meaning, which I wish could be more explicit; but,

however, I do suppose, I am not to be condemned upon bare hearsay; or,

if I am convicted of speaking disrespectfully of Captain Oakum, I hope

there is no treason in my words.” “But there’s mutiny, by G—d, and

that’s death by the articles of war!” cried Oakum: “In the meantime,

let the witnesses be called.” Hereupon Mackshane’s servant appeared,

and the boy of our mess, whom they had seduced and tutored for the

purpose. The first declared, that Morgan as he descended the

cockpit-ladder one day, cursed the captain, and called him a savage

beast, saying, he ought to be hunted down as an enemy to mankind.

“This,” said the clerk, “is a strong presumption of a design, formed

against the captain’s life. For why? It presupposes malice

aforethought, and a criminal intention a priori.” “Right,” said the

captain to this miserable grub, who had been an attorney’s boy, “you

shall have law enough: here’s Cook and Littlejohn to it.” This evidence

was confirmed by the boy, who affirmed, he heard the first mate say,

that the captain had no more bowels than a bear, and the surgeon had no

more brain than an ass. Then the sentinel, who heard our discourse on

the poop was examined, and informed the court that the Welshman assured

me, Captain Oakum and Doctor Mackshane would toss upon billows of

burning brimstone in hell for their barbarity. The clerk observed, that

there was an evident prejudication, which confirmed the former

suspicion of a conspiracy against the life of Captain Oakum; for,

because, how could Morgan so positively pronounce that the captain and

surgeon would d—n’d, unless he had intention to make away with them

before they could have time to repent? This sage explanation had great

weight with our noble commander, who exclaimed, “What have you to say

to this, Taffy? you seem to be taken all a-back, brother, ha!” Morgan

was too much of a gentleman to disown the text, although he absolutely

denied the truth of the comment. Upon which the captain, strutting up

to him with a ferocious countenance, said, “So Mr. son of a bitch, you

confess you honoured me with the names of bear and beast, and

pronounced my damnation? D—n my heart! I have a good mind to have you

brought to a court-martial and hang’d, you dog.” Here Mackshane, having

occasion for an assistant, interposed, and begged the captain to pardon

Mr. Morgan with his wonted goodness, upon condition that he the

delinquent should make such submission as the nature of his

misdemeanour demanded. Upon which the Cambro-Briton, who on this

occasion would have made no submission to the Great Mogul, surrounded

with his guards, thanked the doctor for his mediation, and acknowledged

himself in the wrong for calling the image of Cot a peast, “but,” said

he, “I spoke by metaphor, and parable, and comparison, and types; as we

signify meekness by a lamb, lechery by a goat, and craftiness by a fox;

so we liken ignorance to an ass, and brutality to a bear, and fury to a

tiger; therefore I made use of these similes to express my sentiments

(look you), and what I said before Cot, I will not unsay before man nor

peast neither.”

Oakum was so provoked at this insolence (as he termed it,) that he

ordered him forthwith to be carried to the place of his confinement,

and his clerk to proceed on the examination of me. The first question

put to me was touching the place of my nativity, which I declared to be

the north of Scotland. “The north of Ireland more like!” cried the

captain; “but we shall bring you up presently.” He then asked what

religion I professed; and when I answered “the Protestant,” swore I was

an arrant Roman as ever went to mass. “Come, come, clerk,” continued

he, “catechise him a little on this subject.” But before I relate the

particulars of the clerk’s inquiries, it will not be amiss to inform

the reader that our commander himself was an Hibernian, and, if not

shrewdly belied, a Roman Catholic to boot. “You say, you are a

Protestant,” said the clerk; “make the sign of the cross with your

finger, so, and swear upon it to that affirmation.” When I was about to

perform the ceremony, the captain cried with some emotion, “No, no,

d—me! I’ll have no profanation neither. But go on with your

interrogations.” “Well then,” proceeded my examiner, “how many

sacraments are there?” To which I replied, “Two.” “What are they?” said

he. I answered, “Baptism and the Lord’s Supper.” “And so you would

explode confirmation and marriage altogether?” said Oakum. “I thought

this fellow was a rank Roman.” The clerk, though he was bred under an

attorney, could not refrain from blushing at this blunder, which he

endeavoured to conceal, by observing, that these decoys would not do

with me, who seemed to be an old offender. He went on with asking, if I

believed in transubstantiation; but I treated the notion of real

presence with such disrespect, that his patron was scandalised at my

impiety, and commanded him to proceed to the plot. Whereupon this

miserable pettifogger told me, there was great reason to suspect me of

being a spy on board, and that I had entered into a conspiracy with

Thompson, and others not yet detected, against the life of Captain

Oakum, which accusation they pretended to support by the evidence of

our boy, who declared he had often heard the deceased Thompson and me

whispering together, and could distinguish the words, “Oakum, rascal,

poison, pistol;” by which expressions it appeared, we did intend to use

sinister means to accomplish his destruction. That the death of

Thompson seemed to confirm this conjecture, who, either feeling the

stings of remorse for being engaged in such a horrid confederacy, or

fearing a discovery, by which he must have infallibly suffered an

ignominious death, had put a fatal period to his own existence. But

what established the truth of the whole was, a book in cyphers found

among my papers, which exactly tallied with one found in his chest,

after his disappearance. This, he observed, was a presumption very near

positive proof, and would determine any jury in Christendom to find me

guilty. In my own defence, I alleged, that I had been dragged on board

at first very much against my inclination, as I could prove by the

evidence of some people now in the ship, consequently could have no

design of becoming spy at that time; and ever since had been entirely

out of the reach of any correspondence that could justly entail that

suspicion upon me. As for conspiring against my captain’s life, it

could not be supposed that any man in his right wits would harbour the

least thought of such an undertaking, which he could not possibly

perform without certain infamy and ruin to himself, even if he had all

the inclination in the world. That, allowing the boy’s evidence to be

true (which I affirmed was false and malicious), nothing conclusive

could be gathered from a few incoherent words; neither was the fate of

Mr. Thompson a circumstance more favourable for the charge; for I had

in my pocket a letter which too well explained that mystery, in a very

different manner from that which was supposed. With these words, I

produced the following letter, which Jack Rattlin brought to me the

very day after Thompson disappeared; and told me it was committed to

his care by the deceased, who made him promise not to deliver it

sooner. The clerk, taking it out of my hand, read aloud the contents,

which were these;

‘Dear Friend,—I am so much oppressed with the fatigue I daily and

nightly undergo, and the barbarous usage of Doctor Mackshane, who is

bent on your destruction as well as mine, that I am resolved to free

myself from this miserable life, and, before you receive this, shall be

no more. I could have wished to die in your good opinion, which I am

afraid I shall forfeit by the last act of my life; but, if you cannot

acquit me, I know you will at least preserve some regard for the memory

of an unfortunate young man who loved you. I recommend it to you, to

beware of Mackshane, whose revenge is implacable. I wish all prosperity

to you and Mr. Morgan, to whom pray offer my last respects, and beg to

be remembered as your unhappy friend and countryman,

‘William Thompson.’

This letter was no sooner read, than Mackshane, in a transport of rage,

snatched it out of the clerk’s hands, and tore it into a thousand

pieces, saying, it was a villainous forgery, contrived and executed by

myself. The captain and clerk declared themselves of the same opinion,

although I insisted of having the remains of it compared with other

writings of Thompson, which they had in their possession; and I was

ordered to answer the last article of my accusation, namely, the book

of ciphers found among my papers. “That is easily done,” said I. “What

you are pleased to call ciphers, are no other than the Greek

characters, in which, for my amusement, I keep a diary of everything

remarkable that has occurred to my observation since the beginning of

the voyage, till the day in which I was put in irons; and the same

method was practised by Mr. Thompson, who copied mine.” “A very likely

story,” cried Mackshane; “what occasion was there for using Greek

characters, if you were not afraid of discovering what you had wrote?

But what d’ye talk of Greek characters? D’ye think I am so ignorant of

the Greek language, as not to distinguish its letters from these, which

are no more Greek than Chinese? No, no, I will not give up my knowledge

of the Greek for you, nor none that ever came from your country.” So

saying, with an unparalleled effrontery, he repeated some gibberish,

which by the sound seemed to be Irish, and made it pass for Greek with

the captain, who, looking at me with a contemptuous sneer, exclaimed,

“Ah, ah! have you caught a tartar?” I could not help smiling at the

consummate assurance of this Hibernian, and offered to refer the

dispute to anybody on board who understood the Greek alphabet. Upon

which Morgan was brought back, and, being made acquainted with the

affair, took the book, and read a whole page in English, without

hesitation, deciding the controversy in my favour. The doctor was so

far from being out of countenance at this detection, that he affirmed

Morgan was in the secret, and repeated from his own invention. Oakum

said, “Ay, ay, I see they are both in a story;” and dismissed my

fellow-mate to his cockloft, although I proposed that he and I should

read and translate, separately, any chapter or verse in the Greek

Testament in his possession, by which it would appear whether we or the

surgeon spoke truth. Not being endued with eloquence enough to convince

the captain that there could be no juggle nor confederacy in this

expedient, I begged to be examined by some unconcerned person on board,

who understood Greek. Accordingly, the whole ship’s company, officers

and all, were called upon deck, among whom it was proclaimed that, if

anyone of them could speak Greek, he or they so qualified should ascend

the quarter-deck immediately. After some pause, two foremast men came

up, and professed their skill in that language, which, they said, they

acquired during several voyages to the Levant, among the Greeks of the

Morea. The captain exulted much in this declaration, and put my journal

book into the hands of one of them, who candidly owned he could neither

read nor write; the other acknowledged the same degree of ignorance,

but pretended to speak the Greek lingo with any man on board; and,

addressing himself to me, pronounced some sentences of a barbarous

corrupted language, which I did not understand. I asserted that the

modern Greek was as different from that spoken and written by the

ancients, as the English used now from the old Saxon spoke in the time

of Hengist: and, as I had only learned the true original tongue, in

which Homer, Pindar, the Evangelists, and other great men of antiquity

wrote, it could not be supposed that I should know anything of an

imperfect Gothic dialect that rose on the ruins of the former, and

scarce retained any traces of the old expression: but, if Doctor

Mackshane, who pretended to be master of the Greek language, could

maintain a conversation with these seamen, I would retract what I had

said, and be content to suffer any punishment be should think proper to

inflict. I had no sooner uttered these words than the surgeon, knowing

one of the fellows to be his countryman, accosted him in Irish, and was

answered in the same brogue; then a dialogue ensued between them, which

they affirmed to be in Greek, after having secured the secrecy of the

other tar, who had his cue in the language of the Morea, from his

companion, before they would venture to assert such an intrepid

falsehood. “I thought,” said Oakum, “we should discover the imposture

at last. Let the rascal be carried back to his confinement. I find he

must dangle.” Having nothing further to urge in my own behalf, before a

court so prejudiced with spite, and fortified with ignorance against

truth, I suffered myself to be reconducted peaceably to my

fellow-prisoner, who, hearing the particulars of my trial, lifted up

his hands and eyes to Heaven, and uttered a dreadful groan: and, not

daring to disburden his thoughts to me by speech, lest he might be

overheard by the sentinel, burst forth into a Welsh song, which he

accompanied with a thousand contortions of face and violent gestures of

body.

CHAPTER XXXI

I discover a subornation against me, by means of a quarrel between two

of the evidences; in consequence of which I am set at liberty, and

prevail upon Morgan to accept of his freedom on the same

terms—Mackshane’s malice—we arrive at Jamaica, from whence in a short

time we beat up to Hispaniola, in conjunction with the West India

squadron—we take in water, sail again, and arrive at

Carthagena—Reflections on our conduct there

Meanwhile, a quarrel happening between the two modern Greeks, the one,

to be revenged of the other, came and discovered to us the mystery of

Mackshane’s dialogue, as I have explained it above. This detection

coming to the ears of the doctor, who was sensible that (now we were in

sight of Jamaica) we should have an opportunity of clearing ourselves

before a court-martial, and, at the same time, of making his malice and

ignorance conspicuous, he interceded for us with the captain so

effectually, that in a few hours we were set at liberty, and ordered to

return to our duty. This was a happy event for me, my whole body being

blistered by the sun, and my limbs benumbed by want of motion: but I

could scarce persuade the Welshman to accept of this indulgence, he

persisted in his obstinacy to remain in irons, until he should be

discharged by a court-martial, which, he believed would also do him

justice on his enemies. At length I represented to him the precarious

issue of a trial, the power and interest of his adversaries, and

flattered his revenge with the hope of wreaking his resentment with his

own hands upon Mackshane after our return to England. This last

argument had more weight with him than all the rest, and prevailed upon

him to repair with me to the cockpit, which I no sooner entered, than

the idea of my departed friend presented itself to my remembrance, and

filled my eyes with tears. We discharged from our mess the boy who had

acted so perfidiously, notwithstanding his tears, intreaties, and of

penitence for what he had done; but not before he had confessed that

the surgeon had bribed him to give evidence against us, with a pair of

stockings and a couple of old check shirts, of which his servant had

since plundered him.

The keys of our chests and lockers being sent to us by the doctor, we

detained the messenger until we had examined the contents; and my

fellow-mate, finding all his Cheshire cheese consumed to a crust, his

brandy exhausted, and his onions gone, was seized with a fit of choler,

which he discharged on Mackshane’s man in oaths and execrations,

threatening to prosecute him as a thief. The fellow swore in his turn,

that he never had the keys in his possession till that time, when he

received them from his master with orders to deliver them to us. “As

Cot is my judge,” cried Morgan, “and my salfation, and my witness;

whosoever has pilfered my provisions is a lousy, peggarly, rascally

knave! and by the soul of my grandsire, I will impeach, and accuse, and

indict him, of a roppery, if I did but know who he is.” Had this

misfortune happened at sea, where we could not repair the loss, in all

probability this descendant of Caractacus would have lost his wits

entirely; but, when I observed how easy it would be to remedy this

paltry mischance, he became more calm, and reconciled himself to the

occasion.

A little while after this transport the surgeon came into the birth,

under pretence of taking something out of the medicine chest, and, with

a smiling aspect, wished us joy of our deliverance, which, he said, he

had been at great pains to obtain of the captain, who was very justly

incensed at our behaviour; but he, the doctor, had passed his word for

our future conduct, and he hoped we should give him no cause to repent

of his kindness. He expected, no doubt, an acknowledgment from us for

this pretended piece of service, as well as a general amnesty of what

was past; but he had to do with people who were not quite so apt to

forgive injuries as he imagined, or to forget that, if our deliverance

was owing to his mediation, our calamity was occasioned by his malice;

I therefore sat silent, while my companion answered, “Ay, ay, ’tis no

matter, Cot knows the heart; there is a time for all things, as the

wise man saith; there is a time for throwing away stones, and to gather

them up.” He seemed to be disconcerted at this reply, and went away in

a pet, muttering something about “Ingratitude,” and “Fellows,” of which

we did not think fit to take any notice.

Our fleet, having joined another that waited for us, lay at anchor

about a month in the harbour of Port Royal in Jamaica, during which

time something of consequence was certainly transacted; notwithstanding

the insinuations of some, who affirmed we had no business at all in

that place; that, in order to take the advantage of the season proper

for our enterprise, the West India squadron, which had previous notice

of our coming, ought to have joined us at the west end of Hispaniola,

with necessary stores and refreshments, from whence we could have

sailed directly for Carthagena, before the enemy could put themselves

in a good posture of defence, or, indeed, have an inkling of our

design. Be this as it will, we sailed from Jamaica, and, in ten days or

a fortnight, beat up against the wind as far as the Isle of Vache, with

an intention, as was said, to attack the French fleet, then supposed to

be lying near that place; but before we arrived, they had sailed for

Europe, having first dispatched an advice-boat to Carthagena, with an

account of our being in those seas, as also of our strength and

destination. We loitered here some days longer, taking in wood and

brackish water, in the use whereof, however, our admiral seemed to

consult the health of the men, by restricting each to a quart a day.

At length we set sail, and arrived in a bay to the windward of

Carthagena, where we came to an anchor, and lay at our ease ten days

longer. Here, again, certain malicious people took occasion to blame

the conduct of their superiors, by saying, that in so doing they not

only unprofitably wasted time, which was very precious, considering the

approach of the rainy season, but also allowed the Spaniards to

recollect themselves from a terror occasioned by the approach of an

English fleet, at least three times as numerous as ever appeared in

that part of the world before. But if I might be allowed to give my

opinion of the matter, I would ascribe this delay to the generosity of

our chiefs, who scorned to take any advantage that fortune might give

them even over an enemy. At last, however, we weighed, and anchored

again somewhat nearer the harbour’s mouth, where we made shift to land

our marines, who encamped on the beach, in despite of the enemy’s shot,

which knocked a good many of them on the head. This piece of conduct,

in choosing a camp under the walls of an enemy’s fortification, which I

believe never happened before, was practised, I presume, with a view of

accustoming the soldiers to stand fire, who were not as yet much used

to discipline, most of them having been taken from the plough-tail a

few months before. This expedient, again, has furnished matter for

censure against the ministry, for sending a few raw recruits on such an

important enterprise, while so many veteran regiments lay inactive at

home. But surely our governors had their reasons for so doing, which

possibly may be disclosed with other secrets of the deep. Perhaps they

were loth to risk their best troops on such desperate service, or the

colonel and the field officers of the old corps, who, generally

speaking, enjoyed their commissions as sinecures or pensions, for some

domestic services rendered to the court, refused to embark in such a

dangerous and precarious undertaking; for which refusal, no doubt, they

are to be much commended.

CHAPTER XXXII

Our Land Forces being disembarked, erect a fascine battery—our ship is

ordered, with four more, to batter the port of Bocca Chica—Mackshane’s

cowardice—the Chaplain’s frenzy—honest Rattlin loses one hand—his

heroism and reflections on the battle—Crampley’s behaviour to me during

the heat of the Fight

Our forces being landed and stationed as I have already mentioned, set

about erecting a fascine battery to cannonade the principal fort of the

enemy; and in something more than three weeks, it was ready to open.

That we might do the Spaniards as much honour as possible, it was

determined, in a council of war, that five of our largest ships should

attack the fort on one side, while the battery, strengthened by two

mortars and twenty-four cohorns, should ply it on the other.

Accordingly, the signal for our ship to engage, among others, was

hoisted, we being advertised, the night before, to make everything

clear for that purpose; and, in so doing, a difference happened between

Captain Oakum and his well-beloved cousin and counsellor Mackshane,

which had well nigh terminated in an open rupture. The doctor, who had

imagined there was no more danger of being hurt by the enemy’s shot in

the cockpit than in the centre of the earth, was lately informed that a

surgeon’s mate had been killed in that part of the ship by a

cannon-ball from two small redoubts that were destroyed before the

disembarkation of our soldiers; and therefore insisted upon having a

platform raised for the convenience of the sick and wounded in the

after-hold, where he deemed himself more secure than on the deck above.

The captain, offended at this extraordinary proposal, accused him of

pusillanimity, and told him, there was no room in the hold for such an

occasion: or, if there was, he could not expect to be indulged more

than the rest of the surgeons of the navy, who used the cockpit for

that purpose. Fear rendering Mackshane obstinate, he persisted in his

demand, and showed his instructions, by which it was authorised; the

captain swore these instructions were dictated by a parcel of lazy

poltroons who were never at sea; nevertheless he was obliged to comply,

and sent for the carpenter to give him orders about it. But, before any

such measure could be taken, our signal was thrown out, and the doctor

compelled to trust his carcass in the cockpit, where Morgan and I were

busy in putting our instruments and dressings in order.

Our ship, with others destined for this service, immediately weighed,

and in less than half-an-hour came to an anchor before the castle of

Bocca Chica, with a spring upon our cable, and the cannonading (which

indeed was dreadful) began. The surgeon, after having crossed himself,

fell flat on the deck; and the chaplain and purser, who were stationed

with us in quality of assistants, followed his example, while the

Welshman and I sat upon a chest looking at one another with great

discomposure, scarce able to refrain from the like prostration. And

that the reader may know it was not a common occasion that alarmed us

thus, I must inform him of the particulars of this dreadful din that

astonished us. The fire of the Spaniards proceeded from eighty-four

great guns, besides a mortar and small arms, in Bocca Chica; thirty-six

in Fort St. Joseph; twenty in two fascine batteries, and four

men-of-war, mounting sixty-four guns each. This was answered by our

land-battery mounted with twenty-one cannon, two mortars, and

twenty-four cohorns, and five great ships of seventy or eighty guns,

that fired without intermission.

We had not been many minutes engaged, when one of the sailors brought

another on his back to the cockpit, where he tossed him down like a bag

of oats, and pulling out his pouch, put a large chew of tobacco in his

mouth without speaking a word. Morgan immediately examined the

condition of the wounded man, and cried out, “As I shall answer now,

the man is as dead as my great grandfather.” “Dead,” said his comrade;

“he may be dead now, for aught I know, but I’ll be d—d if he was not

alive when I took him up.” So saying, he was about to return to his

quarters, when I bade him carry the body along with him, and throw it

overboard. “D—n the body!” said he, “I think ’tis fair enough if I take

care of my own.” My fellow mate, snatching up the amputation knife,

pursued him half-way up the cock-pit ladder, crying, “You lousy rascal,

is this the churchyard, or the charnel-house, or the sepulchre, or the

golgotha, of the ship?”—but was stopped in his career by one calling,

“Yo he, avast there—scaldings!” “Scaldings!” answered Morgan; “Cot

knows ’tis hot enough indeed: who are you?” “Here’s one!” replied the

voice; and I immediately knew it to be that of my honest friend Jack

Rattlin, who coming towards me, told me, with great deliberation, he

was come to be docked at last, and discovered the remains of one hand,

which had been shattered to pieces with a grape shot. I lamented with

unfeigned sorrow his misfortune, which he bore with heroic courage,

observing, that every shot had its commission: “It was well it did not

take him in the head! or if it had, what then? he should have died

bravely, fighting for his king and country. Death was a debt which

every man owed, and must pay; and that now was as well as another

time.” I was much pleased and edified with the maxims of this

sea-philosopher, who endured the amputation of his left hand without

shrinking, the operation being performed (at his request) by me, after

Mackshane, who was with difficulty prevailed to lift his head from the

deck, had declared there was a necessity for his losing the limb.

While I was employed in dressing the stump, I asked Jack’s opinion of

the battle, who, shaking his head, frankly told me, he believed we

should do no good: “For why? because, instead of dropping anchor close

under shore, where we should have to deal with one corner of Bocca

Chica only, we had opened the harbour, and exposed ourselves to the

whole fire of the enemy from their shipping and Fort St. Joseph, as

well as from the castle we intended to cannonade; that, besides, we lay

at too great a distance to damage the walls, and three parts in four of

our shot did not take place; for there was scarce anybody on board who

understood the pointing of a gun. Ah! God help us!” continued he, “If

your kinsman, Lieutenant Bowling, had been here, we should have had

other guess work.” By this time, our patients had increased to such a

number, that we did not know which to begin with; and the first mate

plainly told the surgeon, that if he did not get up immediately and

perform his duty, he would complain of his behaviour to the admiral,

and make application for his warrant. This remonstrance effectually

roused Mackshane, who was never deaf to an argument in which he thought

his interest was concerned; he therefore rose up, and in order to

strengthen his resolution, had recourse more than once to a case-bottle

of rum, which he freely communicated to the chaplain, and purser, who

had as much need of such extraordinary inspiration as himself. Being

thus supported, he went to work, and arms and legs were hewed down

without mercy. The fumes of the liquor mounting into the parson’s

brain, conspired, with his former agitation of spirits, to make him

quite delirious; he stripped himself to the skin; and, besmearing his

body with blood, could scarce be withheld from running upon deck in

that condition. Jack Rattlin, scandalised at this deportment,

endeavoured to allay his transports with reason; but finding all he

said ineffectual, and great confusion occasioned by his frolics, he

knocked him down with his right hand, and by threats kept him quiet in

that state of humiliation. But it was not in the power of rum to

elevate the purser, who sat on the floor wringing his hands, and

cursing the hour in which he left his peaceable profession of a brewer

in Rochester, to engage in such a life of terror and disquiet.

While we diverted ourselves at the expense of this poor devil, a shot

happened to take us between wind and water, and (its course being

through the purser’s store room) made a terrible havoc and noise among

the jars and bottles in its way, and disconcerted Mackshane so much,

that he dropped his scalpel, and falling down on his knees, pronounced

his Pater-noster aloud: the purser fell backward, and lay without sense

or motion; and the chaplain grew so outrageous, that Rattlin with one

hand could not keep him under; so that we were obliged to confine him

in the surgeon’s cabin, where he was no doubt guilty of a thousand

extravagancies. Much about this time, my old antagonist, Crampley, came

down, with express orders, as he said, to bring me up to the

quarter-deck, to dress a slight wound the captain had received by a

splinter: his reason for honouring me in particular with this piece of

service, being, that in case I should be killed or disabled by the way,

my death or mutilation would be of less consequence to the ship’s

company than that of the doctor or his first mate. At another time,

perhaps, I might have disputed this order, to which I was not bound to

pay the least regard; but as I thought my reputation depended upon my

compliance, I was resolved to convince my rival that I was no more

afraid than he of exposing myself to danger. With this view I provided

myself with dressings, and followed him immediately to the

quarter-deck, through a most infernal scene of slaughter, fire, smoke,

and uproar. Captain Oakum, who leaned against the mizen-mast, no sooner

saw me approach in my shirt, with the sleeves tucked up to my armpits,

and my hands dyed with blood, than he signified his displeasure by a

frown, and asked why the doctor himself did not come? I told him that

Crampley had singled me out, as if by express command; at which reply

he seemed surprised, and threatened to punish the midshipman for his

presumption, after the engagement. In the meantime, I was sent back to

my station, and ordered to tell Mackshane, that the captain expected

him immediately. I got safe back, and delivered my commission to the

doctor, who flatly refused to quit the post assigned to him by his

instructions; whereupon Morgan, who I believe, was jealous of my

reputation for courage, undertook the affair, and ascended with great

intrepidity. The captain, finding the surgeon obstinate, suffered

himself to be dressed, and swore he would confine Mackshane as soon as

the service should be over.

CHAPTER XXXIII

A breach being made in the walls, our soldiers give the assault, and

take the place without opposition—our sailors at the same time, become

masters of all the other strengths near Bocca Chica, and take

possession of the harbour—the good consequence of this success—we move

nearer the town—find two forts deserted, and the Channel blocked up

with sunk vessels; which however we find means to clear—land our

soldiers at La Quinta—repulse a body of militia—attack the castle of

St. Lazar, and are forced to retreat with great loss—the remains of our

army are re-embarked—an effort of the Admiral to take the town—the

economy of our expedition described

Having cannonaded the fort during the space of four hours, we were all

ordered to slip our cables, and sheer off; but next day the engagement

was renewed, and continued from the morning till the afternoon, when

the enemy’s fire from Bocca Chica slackened, and towards evening was

quite silenced. A breach being made on the other side, by our land

battery, large enough to admit a middle-sized baboon, provided he could

find means to climb up to it, our general proposed to give the assault

that very night, and actually ordered a detachment on that duty.

Providence stood our friend upon this occasion, and put it into the

hearts of the Spaniards to abandon the fort, which might have been

maintained by resolute men till the day of judgment against all the

force we could exert in the attack. And while our soldiers took

possession of the enemy’s ramparts without resistance, the same good

luck attended a body of sailors, who made themselves masters of Fort

St. Joseph, the fascine batteries, and one Spanish man-of-war; the

other three being burnt or sunk by the foe, that they might not fall

into our hands. The taking of these forts, in the strength of which the

Spaniards chiefly confided, made us masters of the outward harbour, and

occasioned great joy among us, as we laid our accounts at finding

little or no opposition from the town: and indeed, if a few great ships

had sailed up immediately, before they had recovered from the confusion

and despair that our unexpected success had produced among them, it is

not impossible that we might have finished the affair to our

satisfaction, without any more bloodshed; but this step our heroes

disdained as a barbarous insult over the enemy’s distress, and gave

them all the respite they could desire, in order to recollect

themselves. In the meantime, Mackshane, taking the advantage of this

general exultation, waited on our captain, and pleaded his own cause so

effectually that he was re-established in his good graces; and as for

Crampley, there was no more notice taken of his behaviour towards me

during the action. But of all the consequences of the victory, none was

more grateful than plenty of fresh water, after we had languished five

weeks on the allowance of a purser’s quart per day for each man in the

Torrid Zone, where the sun was vertical, and the expense of bodily

fluid so great, that a gallon of liquor could scarce supply the waste

of twenty-four hours; especially as our provision consisted of putrid

salt beef, to which the sailors gave the name of Irish horse; salt

pork, of New England, which, though neither fish nor flesh, savoured of

both; bread from the same country, every biscuit whereof, like a piece

of clockwork, moved by its own internal impulse, occasioned by the

myriads of insects that dwelt within it; and butter served out by the

gill, that tasted like train oil thickened with salt. Instead of small

beer, each man was allowed three half-quarterns of brandy or rum, which

were distributed every morning, diluted with a certain quantity of his

water, without either sugar or fruit to render it palatable, for which

reason, this composition was by the sailors not ineptly styled

Necessity. Nor was this limitation of simple element owing to a

scarcity of it on board, for there was at this time water enough in the

ship for a voyage of six months, at the rate of half-a-gallon per day

to each man: but this fast must, I suppose, have been enjoined by way

of penance on the ship’s company for their sins; or rather with a view

to mortify them into a contempt of life, that they might thereby become

more resolute and regardless of danger. How simply then do those people

argue, who ascribe the great mortality among us, to our bad provision

and want of water; and affirm, that a great many valuable lives might

have been saved, if the useless transports had been employed in

fetching fresh stock, turtle, fruit, and other refreshments from

Jamaica and other adjacent islands, for the use of the army and fleet!

seeing it is to be hoped, that those who died went to a better place,

and those who survived were the more easily maintained. After all, a

sufficient number remained to fall before the walls of St. Lazar, where

they behaved like their own country mastiffs, which shut their eyes,

run into the jaws of a bear, and have their heads crushed for their

valour.

But to return to my narration. After having put garrisons into the

forts we had taken, and re-embarked our soldiers and artillery (a piece

of service that detained us more than a week), we ventured up to the

mouth of the inner harbour, guarded by a large fortification on one

side, and a small redoubt on the other, both of which were deserted

before our approach, and the entrance of the harbour blocked up by

several old galleons, and two men-of-war that the enemy had sunk in the

channel. We made shift, however, to open a passage for some ships, that

favoured a second landing of our troops at a place called La Quinta,

not far from the town, where, after a faint resistance from a body of

Spaniards, who opposed their disembarkation, they encamped with a

design of besieging the castle of St. Lazar, which overlooked and

commanded the city. Whether our renowned general had nobody in his army

who knew how to approach it in form, or that he trusted entirely to the

fame of his arms, I shall not determine; but, certain it is, a

resolution was taken in a council of war, to attack the place with

musketry only. This was put in execution, and succeeded accordingly;

the enemy giving them such a hearty reception, that the greatest part

of their detachment took up their everlasting residence on the spot.

Our chief, not relishing this kind of complaisance in the Spaniard’s,

was wise enough to retreat on board with the remains of his army,

which, from eight thousand able men landed on the beach near Bocca

Chica, was now reduced to fifteen hundred fit for service. The sick and

wounded were squeezed into certain vessels, which thence obtained the

name of hospital ships, though methinks they scarce deserved such a

creditable title, seeing few of them could boast of their surgeon,

nurse, or cook; and the space between decks was so confined that the

miserable patients had not room to sit upright in their beds. Their

wounds and stumps, being neglected, contracted filth and putrefaction,

and millions of maggots were hatched amidst the corruption of their

sores. This inhuman disregard was imputed to the scarcity of surgeons;

though it is well known that every great ship in the fleet could have

spared one at least for this duty, an expedient which would have been

more than sufficient to remove this shocking inconvenience. But perhaps

our general was too much of a gentleman to ask a favour of this kind

from his fellow chief, who, on the other hand, would not derogate so

much from his own dignity, as to offer such assistance unasked; for, I

may venture to affirm, that by this time the Demon of Discord, with her

sooty wings, had breathed her influence upon our councils; and it might

be said of these great men (I hope they will pardon the comparison) as

of Cesar and Pompey, the one could not brook a superior, and the other

was impatient of an equal; so that, between the pride of one and

insolence of another, the enterprise miscarried, according to the

proverb, “Between two stools the backside falls to the ground.” Not

that I would be thought to liken any public concern to that opprobrious

part of the human body, though I might with truth assert, if I durst

use such a vulgar idiom, that the nation did hang on arse at its

disappointment on this occasion; neither would I presume to compare the

capacity of our heroic leaders to any such wooden convenience as a

joint-stool or a close-stool; but only to signify by this simile, the

mistake the people committed in trusting to the union of two

instruments that were never joined.

A day or two after the attempt on St. Lazar, the admiral ordered one of

the Spanish men-of-war we had taken to be mounted with sixteen guns,

and manned with detachments from our great ships, in order to batter

the town; accordingly, she was towed into the inner harbour in the

night, and moored within half a mile of the walls, against which she

began to fire at daybreak; and continued about six hours exposed to the

opposition of at least thirty pieces of cannon, which at length obliged

our men to set her on fire, and get off as well as they could in their

boats. This piece of conduct afforded matter of speculation to all the

wits, either in the army or navy, who were at last fain to acknowledge

it a stroke of policy above their comprehension. Some entertained such

an irreverent opinion of the admiral’s understanding, as to think he

expected the town would surrender to his floating battery of sixteen

guns: others imagined his sole intention was to try the enemy’s

strength, by which he should be able to compute the number of great

ships that would be necessary to force the town to a capitulation. But

this last conjecture soon appeared groundless, inasmuch as no ships of

any kind whatever were afterwards employed on that service. A third

sort swore, that no other cause could be assigned for this undertaking

than that which induced Don Quixote to attack the windmill. A fourth

class (and that the most numerous, though, without doubt, composed of

the sanguine and malicious), plainly taxed this commander with want of

honesty as well as sense; and alleged that he ought to have sacrificed

private pique to the interest of his country; that, where the lives of

so many brave fellow-citizens were concerned, he ought to have

concurred with the general without being solicited or even desired,

towards their preservation and advantage, that, if his arguments could

not dissuade him from a desperate enterprise, it was his duty to have

rendered it as practicable as possible, without running extreme hazard;

that this could have been done, with a good prospect of success, by

ordering five or six large ships to batter the town, while the land

forces stormed the castle; by these means a considerable diversion

would have been made in favour of those troops, who, in their march to

the assault and in the retreat, suffered much more from the town than

from the castle! that the inhabitants, seeing themselves vigorously

attacked on all hands, would have been divided, distracted, and

confused, and in all probability, unable to resist the assailants. But

all these suggestions surely proceeded from ignorance or malevolence,

or else the admiral would not have found it such an easy matter, at his

return to England, to justify his conduct to a ministry at once so

upright and discerning. True it is, that those who undertook to

vindicate him on the spot, asserted, that there was not water enough

for our great ships near the town: though this was a little

unfortunately urged, because there happened to be pilots in the fleet

perfectly well acquainted with the soundings of the harbour, who

affirmed there was water enough for five eighty-gun ships to lie

abreast almost up to the very walls. The disappointments we suffered

occasioned a universal dejection, which was not at all alleviated by

the objects that daily and hourly entertained our eyes, nor by the

prospect of what must have inevitably happened, had we remained much

longer in this place. Such was the economy in some ships that, rather

than be at the trouble of interring the dead, their commanders ordered

their men to throw their bodies overboard, many without either ballast

or winding-sheet; so that numbers of human carcases floated in the

harbour, until they were devoured by sharks and carrion crows, which

afforded no agreeable spectacle to those who survived. At the same time

the wet season began, during which a deluge of rain falls, from the

rising to the setting sun, without intermission, and that no sooner

ceases than it begins to thunder, and lighten with such continued

flashing, that one can see to read a very small print by the

illumination.

CHAPTER XXXIV

An epidemic Fever rages among us—we abandon our Conquests—I am seized

with Distemper—write a Petition to the Captain, which is rejected—I am

in danger of Suffocation through the Malice of Crampley, and relieved

by a Serjeant—my Fever increases—the Chaplain wants to confess me—I

obtain a favourable Crisis—Morgan’s Affection for me proved—the

Behaviour of Mackshane and Crampley towards me—Captain Oakum is removed

into another Ship with his beloved Doctor—our new Captain described—An

Adventure of Morgan

The change of the atmosphere, occasioned by this phenomenon, conspired,

with the stench that surrounded us, the heat of the climate, our own

constitutions, impoverished by bad provisions, and our despair, to

introduce the bilious fever among us, which raged with such violence,

that three-fourths of those whom it invaded died in a deplorable

manner; the colour of their skin being, by the extreme putrefaction of

the juices, changed into that of soot.

Our conductors, finding things in this situation, perceived it was high

to relinquish our conquests, and this we did, after having rendered

their artillery useless, and blown up their walls with gunpowder. Just

as we sailed from Bocca Chica, on our return to Jamaica, I found myself

threatened with the symptoms of this terrible distemper; and knowing

very well that I stood no chance for my life, if I should be obliged to

be in the cockpit, which by this time was grown intolerable, even to

people in health, by reason of the heat and unwholesome smell of

decayed provision, I wrote a petition to the captain, representing my

case, and humbly imploring his permission to be among the soldiers in

the middle deck, for the benefit of the air: but I might have spared

myself the trouble; for this humane commander refused my request, and

ordered me to continue in the place allotted for the surgeon’s mates,

or else be contented to be in the hospital, which, by the by, was three

degrees more offensive and more suffocating than our own berth below.

Another, in my condition, perhaps, would have submitted to his fate,

and died in a pet; but I could not brook the thought of perishing so

pitifully, after I had weathered so many gales of hard fortune: I

therefore, without minding Oakum’s injunction, prevailed upon the

soldiers (whose good-will I had acquired) to admit my hammock among

them; and actually congratulated myself upon my comfortable situation;

which Crampley no sooner understood, than he signified to the captain

my contempt of his orders, and was invested with power to turn me down

again into my proper habitation.

This barbarous piece of revenge incensed me so much against the author,

that I vowed, with bitter imprecations, to call him to a severe

account, if ever it should be in my power; and the agitation of my

spirits increased my fever to a violent degree. While I lay gasping for

breath in this infernal abode, I was visited by a sergeant, the bones

of whose nose I had reduced and set to rights, after they had been

demolished by a splinter during our last engagement; he, being informed

of my condition, offered me the use of his berth in the middle deck,

which was enclosed with canvas, and well aired by a port-hole that

remained open within it. I embraced this proposal with joy, and was

immediately conducted to the place, where I was treated, while my

illness lasted, with the utmost tenderness and care by this grateful

halberdier, who had no other bed for himself than a hencoop during the

whole passage. Here I lay and enjoyed the breeze, notwithstanding which

my malady gained ground, and at length my life was despaired of, though

I never lost hopes of recovery, even when I had the mortification to

see, from my cabin-window, six or seven thrown overboard every day, who

died of the same distemper. This confidence, I am persuaded, conduced a

great deal to the preservation of my life, especially when joined to

another resolution I took at the beginning, namely, to refuse all

medicine, which I could not help thinking co-operated with the disease,

and, instead of resisting putrefaction, promoted a total degeneracy of

the vital fluid. When my friend Morgan, therefore, brought his

diaphoretic bolases, I put them into my mouth, ’tis true, but without

any intention of swallowing them: and, when he went away, spit them

out, and washed my mouth with water-gruel. I seemingly complied in this

matter, that I might not affront the blood of Caractacus, by a refusal

which might have intimated a diffidence of his physical capacity, for

he acted as my physician; Doctor Mackshane never once inquiring about

me, or even knowing where I was. When my distemper was at the height,

Morgan thought my case desperate, and, after having applied a blister

to the nape of my neck, squeezed my hand, bidding me, with a woful

countenance, recommend myself to Cot and my Reteemer; then, taking his

leave, desired the chaplain to come and administer some spiritual

consolation to me; but, before he arrived, I made shift to rid myself

of the troublesome application the Welshman had bestowed on my back.

The person, having felt my pulse, inquired into the nature of my

complaints, hemmed a little, and began thus: “Mr. Random, God out of

his infinite mercy has been pleased to visit you with a dreadful

distemper, the issue of which no man knows. You may be permitted to

recover and live many days on the face of the earth; and, which is more

probable, you may be taken away, and cut off in the flower of your

youth. It is incumbent on you, therefore, to prepare for the great

change, by repenting sincerely of your sins; of this there cannot be a

greater sign, than an ingenuous confession, which I conjure you to make

without hesitation or mental reservation; and, when I am convinced of

your sincerity, I will then give you such comfort as the situation of

your soul will admit of. Without doubt, you have been guilty of

numberless transgressions to which youth is subject, as swearing,

drunkenness, whoredom, and adultery: tell me therefore, without

reserve, the particulars of each, especially of the last, that I may be

acquainted with the true state of your conscience; for no physician

will prescribe for his patient until he knows the circumstances of his

disease.”

As I was not under any apprehensions of death, I could not help smiling

at the chaplain’s inquisitive remonstrance, which I told him savoured

more of the Roman than of the Protestant church, in recommending

auricular confession; a thing, in my opinion, not at all necessary to

salvation, and which, for that reason, I declined. This reply

disconcerted him a little; however, he explained away his meaning, in

making learned distinctions between what was absolutely necessary and

what was only convenient; then proceeded to ask what religion I

professed. I answered, that I had not as yet considered the difference

of religions, consequently had not fixed on any one in particular, but

that I was bred a Presbyterian. At this word the chaplain expressed

great astonishment, and said, he could not comprehend how a

presbyterian was entitled to any post under the English government.

Then he asked if I had ever received the sacrament, or taken the oaths;

to which questions, I replying in the negative, he held up his hands,

assured me he could do me no service, wished I might not be in a state

of reprobation, and returned to his messmates, who were making merry in

the ward-room, round a table well stored with bumbo(2) and wine.

(2)bumbo is a liquor composed of rum, sugar, water, and nutmeg

This insinuation, terrible as it was, had not such an effect upon me as

the fever, which, soon after he had left me, grew outrageous. I began

to see strange chimeras and concluded myself upon the point of being

delirious; in the meantime, being in great danger of suffocation, I

started up in a kind of frantic fit, with an intention to plunge myself

into the sea; and, as my friend the sergeant was not present, would

certainly have cooled myself to some purpose, had I not perceived a

moisture upon my thigh, as I endeavoured to get out of my hammock: the

appearance of this revived my hopes, and I had reflection and

resolution enough to take the advantage of this favourable symptom, by

tearing the shirt from my body, and the sheets from my bed, and

wrapping myself in a thick blanket, in which inclosure, for about a

quarter of an hour, felt all the pains of hell: but it was not long

before I was recompensed for my suffering by a profuse sweat, that,

bursting from the whole surface of my skin, in less than two hours,

relieved me from all my complaints except that of weakness; and left me

as hungry as a kite. I enjoyed a very comfortable nap, after which I

was regaling myself with the agreeable reverie of future happiness,

when I heard Morgan, on the outside of the curtain, ask the sergeant if

I was alive still? “Alive!” cried the other, “God forbid he should be

otherwise! he has lain quiet these five hours, and I do not choose to

disturb him, for sleep will do him great service.” “Ay,” said my

fellow-mate, “he sleeps so sound (look you), that he will not waken

till the great trump plows—Cot be merciful to his soul. He has paid his

debt like an honest man—ay, and moreover, he is at rest from all

persecutions, and troubles, and afflictions, of which, Cot knows, and I

know, he had his own share—Ochree! Ochree! he was a promising youth

indeed!” So saying he groaned grievously, and began to whine in such a

manner, as persuaded me he had a real friendship for me. The sergeant,

alarmed at his words, came into the berth, and, while he looked upon

me, I smiled, and tipped him the wink: he immediately guessed my

meaning and remaining silent, Morgan was confirmed in his opinion of my

being dead; whereupon he approached, with tears in his eyes, in order

to indulge his grief with a sight of the object: and I counterfeited

death so well, by fixing my eyes and dropping my under-jaw, that he

said, “There he lies, no petter than a lump of clay, Cot help me!” and

observed, by the distortion of my face, that I must have had a strong

struggle.

I should not have been able to contain myself much longer, when he

began to perform the last duty of a friend, in closing my eyes and my

mouth, upon which I suddenly snapped at his fingers and discomposed him

so much that he started back, turned pale as ashes, and stared like the

picture of horror; although I could not help laughing at his

appearance, I was concerned for his situation, and stretched out my

hand, telling him I hoped to live and eat some salmagundy of his making

in England. It was some time before he could recollect himself so far

as to feel my pulse, and inquire into the particulars of my disease;

but when he found I had enjoyed a favourable crisis, he congratulated

me upon my good fortune; not failing to ascribe it, under Cot, to the

blister he had applied to my back, at his last visit; which, by the

bye, said he, must now be removed and dressed; he was actually going to

fetch dressings, when I, feigning astonishment, said, “Bless me! sure

you never applied a blister to me—there is nothing on my back, I assure

you.” But he could not be convinced till he had examined it, and then

endeavoured to conceal his confusion, by expressing his surprise in

finding the skin untouched and the plaster missing. In order to excuse

myself for paying so little regard to his prescription, I pretended to

have been insensible when it was put on, and to have pulled it off

afterwards in a fit of delirium. This apology satisfied my friend, who,

on this occasion, abated a good deal of his stiffness in regard to

punctilio; and as we were now safely arrived at Jamaica, where I had

the benefit of fresh provisions and other refreshments, I recovered

strength every day, and, in a short time, my health and vigour were

perfectly re-established.

When I got up at first, and was just able to crawl about the deck with

a staff in my hand, I met Doctor Mackshane, who passed by me with a

disdainful look, and did not vouchsafe to honour me with one word.

After him came Crampley, who, strutting up to me with a fierce

countenance, pronounced, “Here’s fine discipline on-board, when such

lazy, skulking sons of bitches as you are allowed, on pretence of

sickness, to lollop at your ease, while your betters are kept to hard

duty!” The sight and behaviour of this malicious scoundrel enraged me

so much that I could scarce refrain from laying my cudgel across his

pate; but when I considered my present feebleness, and the enemies I

had in the ship, who wanted only a pretence to ruin me, I restrained my

passion, and contented myself with telling him, I had not forgot his

insolence and malice, and that I hoped we should meet one day on shore.

At this declaration he grinned, shook his fist, and swore he longed for

nothing more than such an opportunity. Meanwhile our ship was ordered

to be heaved down, victualled, and watered, for her return to England;

and our captain, for some reason or other, not thinking it convenient

for him to revisit his native country at this time, exchanged with a

gentleman, who, on the other hand, wished for nothing so much as to be

safe without the tropic: all his care and tenderness of himself being

insufficient to preserve his complexion from the injuries of the sun

and weather.

Our tyrant having left the ship, and carried his favourite Mackshane

along with him, to my inexpressible satisfaction, our new commander

came on board in a ten-oared barge, overshadowed with a vast umbrella,

and appeared in everything the reverse of Oakum, being a tall, thin

young man, dressed in this manner: a white hat, garnished with a red

feather, adorned his head, from whence his hair flowed upon his

shoulders, in ringlets tied behind with a ribbon. His coat, consisting

of pink-coloured silk, lined with white, by the elegance of the cut

retired backward, as it were, to discover a white satin waistcoat

embroidered with gold, unbuttoned at the upper part to display a brooch

set with garnets, that glittered in the breast of his shirt, which was

of the finest cambric, edged with right Mechlin: the knees of his

crimson velvet breeches scarce descended so low as to meet his silk

stockings, which rose without spot or wrinkle on his meagre legs, from

shoes of blue Meroquin, studded with diamond buckles that flamed forth

rivals to the sun! A steel-hilted sword, inlaid with gold, and decked

with a knot of ribbon which fell down in a rich tassel, equipped his

side; and an amber-headed cane hung dangling from his wrist. But the

most remarkable parts of his furniture were, a mask on his face, and

white gloves on his hands, which did not seem to be put on with an

intention to be pulled off occasionally, but were fixed with a curious

ring on the little finger of each hand.

In this garb, Captain Whiffle, for that was his name, took possession

of the ship, surrounded with a crowd of attendants, all of whom, in

their different degrees, seemed to be of their patron’s disposition;

and the air was so impregnated with perfumes, that one may venture to

affirm the climate of Arabia Felix was not half so sweet-scented. My

fellow-mate, observing no surgeon among his train, thought he had found

an occasion too favourable for himself to be neglected; and,

remembering the old proverb, “Spare to speak, and spare to speed,”

resolved to solicit the new captain’s interest immediately, before any

other surgeon could be appointed for the ship. With this view he

repaired to the cabin in his ordinary dress, consisting of a check

shirt and trousers, a brown linen waistcoat, and a nightcap of the same

(neither of them very clean,) which, for his further misfortune,

happened to smell strong of tobacco. Entering without any ceremony into

this sacred place, he found Captain Whiffle reposing upon a couch, with

a wrapper of fine chintz about his body, and a muslin cap bordered with

lace about his head; and after several low congees began in this

manner: “Sir, I hope you will forgive, and excuse, and pardon, the

presumption of one who has not the honour of being known to you, but

who is, nevertheless a shentleman porn and pred, and moreover has had

misfortunes, Cot help me, in the world.”

Here he was interrupted by the captain, who, on seeing him, had started

up with great amazement, at the novelty of the apparition; and, having

recollected himself, pronounced with a look and tone signifying

disdain, curiosity and surprise, “Zauns! who art thou?” “I am surgeon’s

first mate on board of this ship,” replied Morgan: “and I most

vehemently desire and beseech you, with all submission, to be pleased

to condescend and vouchsafe to inquire into my character, and my

pehaviour, and my deserts, which, under Cot, I hope, will entitle me to

the vacancy of surgeon.” As he proceeded in his speech, he continued

advancing towards the captain, whose nostrils were no sooner saluted

with the aromatic flavour that exhaled from him, than he cried with

great emotion, “Heaven preserve me! I am suffocated! Fellow, fellow,

away with thee! Curse thee, fellow! Get thee gone! I shall be stunk to

death!” At the noise of his outcries, his servants ran into his

apartment, and he accosted them thus: “Villains! cut-throats! traitors!

I am betrayed! I am sacrificed! Will you not carry that monster away?

or must I be stifled with the stench of him? oh, oh!” With these

interjections he sank down upon his settee in a fit: his

valet-de-chambre plied him with a smelling-bottle, one footman chafed

his temples with Hungary water, another sprinkled the floor with

spirits of lavender, a third pushed Morgan out of the cabin; who coming

to the place where I was, sat down with a demure countenance and,

according to his custom, when he received any indignity which he durst

not revenge, began to sing a Welsh ditty.

I guessed he was under some agitation of spirits and desired to know

the cause; but, instead of answering me directly, he asked with great

emotion, if I thought him a monster and a stinkard? “A monster and a

stinkard!” said I, with some surprise: “did anybody call you so?” “Cot

is my judge,” replied be, “Captain Fifle did call me both; ay, and all

the waters in the Tawy will not wash it out of my remembrance. I do

affirm and avouch, and maintain, with my soul, and my pody, and my

plood, look you, that I have no smells apout me, but such as a

Christian ought to have, except the effluvia of tobacco, which is a

cephalic, odoriferous, aromatic herb; and he is a son of a mountain

goat who says otherwise. As for my being a minister, let that be as it

is: I am as Cot was pleased to create me, which, peradventure, is more

than I shall ever aver of him who gave me that title; for I will

proclaim it before the world, that he is disguised, and transfigured,

and transmogrified, with affectation and whimseys; and that he is more

like a papoon than of the human race.”

CHAPTER XXXV

Captain Whiffle sends for me—his situation described—his surgeon

arrives, prescribes for him, and puts him to bed—a bed is put up for

Mr. Simper contiguous to the state room, which, with other parts of the

captains behaviour, gives the ship’s company a very unfavourable idea

of their commander—I am detained in the West Indies by the admiral, and

go on board of the Lizard sloop of war in quality of surgeon’s mate,

where I make myself known to the surgeon, who treats me very kindly—I

go on shore, sell my ticket, purchase necessaries, and, at my return on

board, am surprised at the sight of Crampley, who is appointed

lieutenant of the sloop—we sail on a cruise—take a prize in which I

arrive at Port Morant under the command of my messmate, with whom I

live in great harmony

He was going on with an eulogium upon the captain, when I received a

message to clean myself, and go up to the great cabin: and with this

command I instantly complied, sweetening myself with rosewater from the

medicine chest. When I entered the room, I was ordered to stand by the

door, until Captain Whiffle had reconnoitered me at a distance with a

spy-glass. He, having consulted one sense in this manner, bade me

advance gradually, that his nose might have intelligence before it

could be much offended: I therefore approached with great caution and

success, and he was pleased to say, “Ay, this creature is tolerable.” I

found him lolling on his couch with a languishing air, his head

supported by his valet-de-chambre, who from time to time applied a

smelling-bottle to his nose. “Vergette,” said he in a squeaking tone,

“dost think this wretch (meaning me) will do me no injury? May I

venture to submit my arm to him?” “Pon my word,” replied the valet, “I

do tink dat dere be great occasion for your honour losing a small

quantite of blodt; and the young man ave quelque chose of de bonne

mine.” “Well, then,” said his master, “I think I must venture.” Then,

addressing himself to me, “Hast thou ever blooded anybody but brutes?

But I need not ask thee, for thou wilt tell me a most d—able lie,”

“Brutes, sir!” answered I, pulling down his glove, in order to feel his

pulse, “I never meddle with brutes.” “What the devil art thou about?”

cried he, “dost thou intend to twist off my hand? Gad’s curse! my arm

is benumbed up to the very shoulder! Heaven have mercy upon me! must I

perish under the hands of savages? What an unfortunate dog was I to

come on board without my own surgeon, Mr. Simper.” I craved pardon for

having handled him so roughly, and, with the utmost care, and

tenderness, tied up his arm with a fillet of silk. While I was feeling

for the vein, he desired to know how much blood I intended to take from

him, and, when I answered, “not above twelve ounces,” started up with a

look full of horror, and bade me be gone, swearing I had a design upon

his life. Vergette appeased him with difficulty, and, opening a bureau,

took out a pair of scales, in one of which was placed a small cup; and

putting them into my hand, told me, the captain never lost above an

ounce and three drams at one time.

While I prepared for this important evacuation, there came into the

cabin a young man gaily dressed, of a very delicate complexion with a

kind of languid smile on his face: which seemed to have been rendered

habitual by a long course of affectation. The captain no sooner

perceived him, than, rising hastily, he flew into his arms, crying, “O,

my dear Simper, I am excessively disordered! I have been betrayed,

frighted, murdered, by the negligence of my servants, who suffered a

beast, a mule, a bear, to surprise me, and stink me into convulsions

with the fumes of tobacco.” Simper, who by this time, I found, was

obliged to act for the clearness of his complexion, assumed an air of

softness and sympathy, and lamented with many tender expressions of

sorrow, the sad accident that had thrown him into that condition; then,

feeling his patient’s pulse on the outside of his glove, gave it as his

opinion, that his disorder was entirely nervous, and that some drops of

tincture of castor, and liquid laudanum, would be of more service to

him than bleeding, by bridling the inordinate sallies of his spirits,

and composing the fermentation of his bile. I was therefore sent to

prepare this prescription, which was administered in a glass of sack

posset, after the captain had been put to bed, and orders sent to the

officers on the quarter-deck, to let nobody walk on that side under

which he lay.

While the captain enjoyed his repose the doctor watched over him, and

indeed became so necessary, that a cabin was made for him contiguous to

the state room where Whiffle slept, that he might be at hand in case of

accidents in the night. Next day, our commander being happily

recovered, gave orders that none of the lieutenants should appear upon

deck without a wig, sword, and ruffles; nor any midshipman, or other

petty officer, be seen with a check shirt or dirty linen. He also

prohibited any person whatever, except Simper and his own servants,

from coming into the great cabin without first sending in to obtain

leave. These singular regulations did not prepossess the ship’s company

in his favour: but, on the contrary, gave scandal an opportunity to be

very busy with his character, and accuse him of maintaining a

correspondence with his surgeon not fit to be named.

In a few weeks, our ship being under sailing orders, I was in hope of

revisiting my native country, in a very short time, when the admiral’s

surgeon came on board, and, sending for Morgan and me to the

quarter-deck, gave us to understand there was a great scarcity of

surgeons in the West Indies; that he was commanded to detain one mate

out of every great ship that was bound for England; and desired us to

agree between ourselves, before the next day at that hour, which of us

should stay behind. We were thunderstruck at this proposal, and stared

at one another some time without speaking; at length the Welshman broke

silence, and offered to remain in the West Indies, provided the admiral

would give him a surgeon’s warrant immediately; but he was told there

was no want of chief surgeons, and that he must be contented with the

station of mate, till he should be further provided for in due course.

Whereupon Morgan flatly refused to quit the ship for which the

commissioners of the navy had appointed him; and the other told him as

plainly, that if we could not determine the affair by ourselves before

to-morrow morning, he must cast lots, and abide by his chance.

When I recalled to my remembrance the miseries I had undergone in

England, where I had not one friend to promote my interest, or favour

my advancement in the navy, and the same time reflected on the present

dearth of surgeons in the West Indies, and the unhealthiness of the

climate, which every day almost reduced the number, I could not help

thinking my success would be much more certain and expeditious by my

staying where I was, than by returning to Europe. I therefore resolved

to comply with a good grace, and next day, when we were ordered to

throw dice, told Morgan he needed not trouble himself, for I would

voluntarily submit to the admiral’s pleasure. This frank declaration

was commended by the gentleman, who assured me, it should not fare the

worse with me for my resignation. Indeed he was as good as his word,

and that very afternoon procured a warrant, appointing me surgeon’s

mate of the Lizard sloop-of-war, which put me on a footing with every

first mate in the service.

My ticket being made out, I put my chest and bedding on board a canoe

that lay alongside, and, having shook hands with my trusty friend the

sergeant, and honest Jack Rattlin, who was bound for Greenwich

Hospital, I took my leave of Morgan with many tears, after we had

exchanged our sleeve buttons as remembrances of each other. Having

presented my new warrant to the captain of the Lizard, I inquired for

the doctor, whom I no sooner saw than I recollected him to be one of

those young fellows with whom I had been committed to the round-house,

during our frolic with Jackson, as I have related before. He received

me with a good deal of courtesy, and, when I put him in mind of our

former acquaintance, expressed great joy at seeing me again, and

recommended me to an exceeding good mess, composed of the gunner and

master’s mate. As there was not one sick person in the ship, I got

leave to go ashore next day with the gunner, who recommended me to a

Jew, that bought my ticket at the rate of forty per cent discount; and,

having furnished myself with the necessaries I wanted, returned on

board in the evening, and, to my surprise, found my old antagonist

Crampley walking upon deck. Though I did not fear his enmity, I was

shocked at his appearance, and communicated my sentiments on that

subject to Mr. Tomlins the surgeon, who told me that Crampley, by dint

of some friends about the admiral, had procured a commission,

constituting him lieutenant on board the Lizard; and advised me, now he

was my superior officer, to behave with some respect towards him, or

else he would find a thousand opportunities of using me ill. This

advice was a bitter potion to me, whom pride and resentment had

rendered utterly incapable of the least submission to, or even of a

reconciliation with, the wretch who had, on many occasions, treated me

so inhumanly: however, I resolved to have as little connection as

possible with him, and to ingratiate myself as much as I could with the

rest of the officers, whose friendship might be a bulwark to defend me

from the attempts of his malice.

In less than a week we sailed on a cruise, and having weathered the

east end of the island, had the good fortune to take a Spanish

barcolongo, with her prize, which was an English ship bound for

Bristol, that sailed from Jamaica a fortnight before, without convoy.

All the prisoners who were well, we put onshore on the north side of

the island; the prizes were manned with Englishmen, and the command of

the barcolongo given to my friend the master’s mate, with orders to

carry them into Port Morant, and there to remain until the Lizard’s

cruise should be ended, at which time she would touch at the same place

in her way to Port Royal. With him I was sent to attend the wounded

Spaniards as well as Englishmen, who amounted to sixteen, and to take

care of them on shore in a house that was to be hired as an hospital.

This destination gave me a great deal of pleasure, as I should, for

some time, be freed from the arrogance of Crampley, whose inveteracy

against me had already broken out on two or three occasions since he

was become a lieutenant. My messmate, who very much resembled my uncle,

both in figure and disposition, treated me on board of the prize with

the utmost civility and confidence: and, among other favours, made me a

present of a silver-hilted hanger, and a pair of pistols mounted with

the same metal, which fell to his share in plundering the enemy. We

arrived safely at Morant, and, going on shore, pitched upon an empty

storehouse; which we hired for the reception of the wounded, who were

brought to it next day, with beds and other necessaries; and four of

the ship’s company appointed to attend them and obey me.